A short list about bully behaviors

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 15, 2004

when doing your homework be sure and check out that site I mentioned in the other bullying thread. There is a lot of good info there!

http://www.bullyonline.org

best wishes!

HarryPotter · Nov 15, 2004

when doing your homework be sure and check out that site I mentioned in the other bullying thread. There is a lot of good info there!
http://www.bullyonline.org
best wishes!

Hi. Yep...great site...have u read the book "The Bully at Work"? Very great book. Other than education, can u think of anything else we can do to alter bully behaviors in Healthcare? As I am sure your aware, there are some States (I think Oregon is one) and some Countries (I think the UK and Australia) that have a much broader anti-harassment code for Industries.

I live in California. Probably I should e-mail Arnold (the Terminator) on this subject and begin some legislation here. I don't know a thing about going about that. Do you?

diddoms · Nov 15, 2004

Why is bullying so rife in nursing compared to other professions? Rats and nurses eat their young!

I work in an Australian ICu, and have really gone through a steep learning curve regarding bullying.

Several of our post grad students have experienced bullying. Some of them even are unaware of it.

We have one malicious senior nurse who will allocate staff she likes to the more interesting patients, whilst for those she dislikes she will actually limit their exposure to ventilated patients and give them heavy patient loads, to the point where she sets them up for failure.

This is usually accompanied by a whispering campaign where critisisms concerning the individual are made to everybody except the peson concerned. The effect of this is that it denies the person the opportunity to grow whilst eroding their confidence and isolating them. She is so good at covering her tracks that she will even be really nice to their face so that they don't suspect a thing. To someone who has been on the end of her treatment I can see it happening to others. What I find so frustrating is that she is so good at covering her tracks.

I've tried to raise this with my boss, but she can't see her maliciousness, and tends to back the bully's suspect allocations.

How much does bullying cost? I've spent hours and hours councelling people who have falledn victim to this one bully, just convincing them to believe in their own ablilty, and not to throw in the towel.

It is interesting that 2 bullies I have encountered over the last 2 years have claimed to be bullied themselves, gaining a lot of support form HR and mamgement.

One of these RN's actually phoned a vulnerable member of staff at work and pretended that there was a bomb hoax. Did she get the sack? WHat do you think? Of course she didn't. I persoanlly think she should have been deregistered for that.

hoolahan, ASN, RN · Nov 15, 2004

I think in order to stop bullying, you must disarm them. How?

First step is recognizing the bullying behaviors. Which has been nicely described above.

Second step, just like the school yard bully, you must confront them. Call them on their behaviors in front of their audience. When you see the bully be nice to the victims face, say, Gee that wasn't what you said about her last week, and repeat what she did.

Do not allow the bully the satisfaction of belittling you. Smile really big at jabs and laugh at yourself. Demand to be seen, answered, complete info. Get right in their face if you have to, ask if there is a problem and why you are notcing you are getting the silent treatment.

Don't allow yourself to be bullied, which I know is easier said than done, but the only way to stop it.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 15, 2004

Great post Hoolie-----

And understand when you try and resume control of the situation, the bully is almost certain to try and turn it around on you---by saying you are crazy, a liar, paranoid or some other similar insult. They may additionally cry, lose their temper or pull some other emotional stunt to try and shake your resolve as well. This is their style, to try and break down your ability to stand up for yourself, causing you to doubt yourself and what you know is right. Expect this to happen and be able to resist, standing your ground firmly. Bullies can't stand being confronted or called on their lousy behavior and---- yes, they almost definately WILL react emotionally, trying to manipulate you into thinking you are the "bad guy" here, or by crying or carrying on, or even threatening you with your job or physical harm------ if they succeed, they have you----start anew, bullying. :angryfire

You have to be self-confident and assertive if you expect to win against any type of bully. They cannot handle self-confidence and strength in others and when they run into it, they predictably try to either take that person apart, or find another victim. You can't change them, but you can change yourself; that in itself is very empowering!

Can you tell I have a LOT of experience in dealing with bullies? It's not just nursing that is rife, but many other venues, careers---at home, at school, in many social situations, they never stop their behaviors just because they are not at work. I have a lot of experience with bullies in my homelife, more so than at work. I failed to recognize them for what they were, because they were family members, people I was supposed to trust and love!

Well, bullies are all over, some do their work more subtly than others. Some more passive-aggressively and cleverly attack people, but that is no less concerning. But soon enough, you recognize who they are immediately, and arm yourself against their almost certain assault on your emotions and self-esteem. Recognition and a strongly positive sense of self-esteem are key. You can beat the bully at his or her own game!

lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN · Nov 15, 2004

arial black
First, thank u all for continuing to participate in the bully poll. I have been asked to list some bully behaviors, so here goes. Bully behaviors can be very subtle.
From Bully EQ: failure to consider your worries and concerns, whispering to others with low level criticism, asking others information about you, disrespect for personal body space, pushing, bumping, blocking, "the look", the silent treatment, unanswered questions, pressured decision making, glaring, distainful smirking, audible annoyed-sounding signs, snide remarks ("can't u take a joke"), false accusations, fault-finding, nit-picking, nagging, isolation , breach of confidence, social exclusion, gossiping, lack of credit for efforts or falsely taking the credit for your efforts, making a mess and not cleaning it up, yelling, pounding fists, door slaming, sulking, walking out on the middle of a conversation,, lies, including omission of needed information, treated in a rude-disrespectful manner, interference with your work activities, given little or no feedback about preformance, delayed actions on matters of importance to u, prevention from expressing self.
From the business research lab: talking behiind backs, interrupting while speaking/working, flaunting status, belittling someone's opinion to others, failing to return phone calls/memos, staring, dirty looks, other negative eye contact, intentionally damning with faint praise.
Costs: from article in the San Francisco Chronicle: 53% lost work time worryiing about the incident or future interactions; 28% lost work time avoiding the instigator; 10% decreased the amount of time at work; 12 % changed jobs to avoid the instigator (survey of 775 people about being treated with disrespect).
What to do: Do not ignore it. Recognize what is happening to you as bullying. Get help. Do your homework about bullying.

The silent treatment isn't necessarily bullying. I have a coworker that I do not speak to unless she speaks to me first, because even if I say "Good morning, how are you?" she takes it as an insult. And I am not the only one who she does this too. A few of the behaviors mentioned are not necessarily bullying. Criticism isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I'm doing something wrong, I want to be told about it, (constructively) because I can't correct something I'm not aware of. And as a preceptor, part of my job is to teach, so if I see someone doing something wrong, I have to bring it to their attention. There are some people who feel "bullied" no matter how you approach them, what you say, the look on your face, etc.

lovingtheunloved, ASN, RN · Nov 15, 2004

"Second step, just like the school yard bully, you must confront them. Call them on their behaviors in front of their audience. When you see the bully be nice to the victims face, say, Gee that wasn't what you said about her last week, and repeat what she did.

Do not allow the bully the satisfaction of belittling you. Smile really big at jabs and laugh at yourself. Demand to be seen, answered, complete info. Get right in their face if you have to, ask if there is a problem and why you are notcing you are getting the silent treatment."

That is good, except make sure ya don't do it on the floor! I have some coworkers who have "confronted" one another right inside a resident's room! Go to the break room. I know that seems like common sense, but you'd be surprised.

HarryPotter · Nov 16, 2004

Why is bullying so rife in nursing compared to other professions? Rats and nurses eat their young!
I work in an Australian ICu, and have really gone through a steep learning curve regarding bullying.
Several of our post grad students have experienced bullying. Some of them even are unaware of it.
We have one malicious senior nurse who will allocate staff she likes to the more interesting patients, whilst for those she dislikes she will actually limit their exposure to ventilated patients and give them heavy patient loads, to the point where she sets them up for failure.
This is usually accompanied by a whispering campaign where critisisms concerning the individual are made to everybody except the peson concerned. The effect of this is that it denies the person the opportunity to grow whilst eroding their confidence and isolating them. She is so good at covering her tracks that she will even be really nice to their face so that they don't suspect a thing. To someone who has been on the end of her treatment I can see it happening to others. What I find so frustrating is that she is so good at covering her tracks.
I've tried to raise this with my boss, but she can't see her maliciousness, and tends to back the bully's suspect allocations.
How much does bullying cost? I've spent hours and hours councelling people who have falledn victim to this one bully, just convincing them to believe in their own ablilty, and not to throw in the towel.
It is interesting that 2 bullies I have encountered over the last 2 years have claimed to be bullied themselves, gaining a lot of support form HR and mamgement.
One of these RN's actually phoned a vulnerable member of staff at work and pretended that there was a bomb hoax. Did she get the sack? WHat do you think? Of course she didn't. I persoanlly think she should have been deregistered for that.

You seem to be very active in confronting this problem. thank u for that and thank u for helping all the people that u have helped.

I thought that in Australia that there is a broader harrassment policy that includes bullying behavior.

Please advise.

When I council "victims" I always tell them to keep a "paper trail" using the famous 5 W's "who, what, where, why, when." I also tell them that if the bully behavior does not stop after they have gone to their managers, they should go to Human Resources with the problem.

For sure, helping them to see that they are a target is really important and to not give up and feel bad about themselves. Raising their confidence also helps them deal with the situation.

Why wasen't the bully with the bomb hoax sacked anyway?

HarryPotter · Nov 16, 2004

The silent treatment isn't necessarily bullying. I have a coworker that I do not speak to unless she speaks to me first, because even if I say "Good morning, how are you?" she takes it as an insult. And I am not the only one who she does this too. A few of the behaviors mentioned are not necessarily bullying. Criticism isn't necessarily a bad thing. If I'm doing something wrong, I want to be told about it, (constructively) because I can't correct something I'm not aware of. And as a preceptor, part of my job is to teach, so if I see someone doing something wrong, I have to bring it to their attention. There are some people who feel "bullied" no matter how you approach them, what you say, the look on your face, etc.

I agree with what you've said, but I think if there is an intention to do harm by, say the silent treatment, that is bullying. As to criticism, bully's criticize in order to bully, not to be constructive. It has nothing to do with trying to help someone be more aware of themselves or situations so they do a better job and are inspired to do so. As to no matter what u do, some people feel bullied, I can see that as a problem. I am wondering what mechanism is going on with them that they respond in that way.

diddoms · Nov 16, 2004

You seem to be very active in confronting this problem. thank u for that and thank u for helping all the people that u have helped.
I thought that in Australia that there is a broader harrassment policy that includes bullying behavior.
Please advise.
When I council "victims" I always tell them to keep a "paper trail" using the famous 5 W's "who, what, where, why, when." I also tell them that if the bully behavior does not stop after they have gone to their managers, they should go to Human Resources with the problem.
For sure, helping them to see that they are a target is really important and to not give up and feel bad about themselves. Raising their confidence also helps them deal with the situation.
Why wasen't the bully with the bomb hoax sacked anyway?

I don't know why the bully with the bomb hoax wasn't sacked. It certainly wasn't because i didn't say anything about it.It was a saga that I have loast a lot of sleep over. Being further down the food chain I wasn't my decision. It ( sacking) was something I recommended to my manager though. I still regret not taking it further at the time.

veteranRN · Nov 16, 2004

I work with a bully. It seems if she doesn't see you as an "equal" then she bullies you to the point of leaving. What I find amazing is administration doesn't seem to see it. I mean lots of good staff are leaving because they are tired of being treated like crap by her but she remains on. I know it is not because of good skills or a shortage of nurses. Maybe administration doesn't know she is the cause. Maybe the employees who are leaving do not mention her by name. What do you think? Should I speak to administration. (I think she must see me as an equal because she does not bother me but then I have a higher degree than her).