A Personal Struggle

[KalipsoRed]

I called off from work today, and I'm not sick. This makes me sad. I'm at a loss as to where to turn to. I've been on my telemetry floor since June '08, I switched to nights in an effort to feel better about my job in Dec. '08. The last two nights have been bad for me. I had 5 patients both nights and both nights 2 or 3 of them kept me running all night. I feel so sad about my life in general right now...like there is nothing to look forward to from any aspect of my life. I've been feeling this way since I started my job. Here is what is really sad about the whole situation. I work on a floor with a lot of good people who are, for the most part, supportive. My manager was supportive since she let me move to nights when I couldn't hack the day shift. In my hospital I could be pulled to a different floor if my home floor has enough nurses but others don't. I have not been pulled off my floor since I started my job, and from what I'm told my floor is one of the coushiest floors in the hospital as far as staffing goes. I have had to work a few times as a PCA on my floor and I have had to work as a PCA/Nurse/Secretary for all 4 of my patients before when staffing gets cut back.

So since I've been feeling down I thought it was because I hadn't been home in a while, my family lives in a different state. So I went on vacation to see my family and had a pretty good visit. I came back and went back to work and had two really crappy nights. It was all I could do to keep on top of the 2 or 3 patients I had that were going bad. My other patients got only what the absolutely had to have out of me. In fact they didn't really even get that because I got them their pain medication but I didn't get around to stuff like insulins and they were getting their antibiotic 2 hours late, so on and so forth. I had to stay after 2 hours both nights to get my charting caught up, and that did not include going through the computer charting and taking out all the medications that I didn't give to patients but pulled from the pixis. So now these poor people are going to be charged for things they didn't even get. I feel so incompetent and unorganized. I have a system and on most days it works pretty well, but when things happen back to back to back any system I've tried has gone out the window.

I feel like such a wuss. It appears to me that other nurses are capable of staying on top of things even when it gets really bad, but I'm not. My coworkers were even helping me as much as they could but I still was so far behind and sometimes when they asked me if they could help I couldn't even think of what I could get them to do for me, though I had tons of stuff needed done. The only thing I'm sort of proud of is that I didn't cry until I got in my car both nights...other times this has happened I just started crying in the hallway. I cried all the way home and when I woke up this evening to get ready for work I started crying before I even got into the shower. I'm not sick, but I figure if I can't even start the day off tear free it wasn't going to take much to get me going at work tonight, so I called off.

I can't tell if I'm just a really crappy nurse with no business in the field or not. I feel like I'm a crappy nurse, but no manager has actually told me that yet. I'm so sad that I can't be proud of my self, that I can't see a happy future in what I'm doing. I can't see a way out either. I'm lucky to have a job right now and I know it. I'm afraid to start looking at a different position do to the fact that I don't have much experience and I know that nursing jobs are disappearing by the day. I can't quit where I work because I would owe them a lot of money that I don't have, not to mention the lot of money I owe back in student loans.

I'm also sad because I'm not achieving much in my personal life right now either. I'm single and I want to be with someone, but I didn't date or go out during nursing school because it was all I could do to go to school and deal with work. I feel like switching to nights has limited my ability to see my friends and to date, but I have not doubt in my mind that nights is where I need to be right now. I also haven't found a way to exercise that fits my working schedule and the weight gain is bothering me. I just feel lost, alone, and trapped. I don't know if where I'm at is normal, if it is my floor or type of nursing I chose to do, or if I even have any business being a nurse. All I know is that I feel bad that I'm doing stuff like calling off when I'm not sick because I emotionally cannot survive another day at work this week, even though I've only worked 2 days.

[itsmyturn]

Oh my, you need a hug so bad right now! I wanted to say, you are a new nurse so put down that bat for now. It seems that those around you think your a peach because you are still there without complaints. It is gonna take a while for you to feel like you fit the job so hang in there. And, sometimes, you think you like something and it just is not what you thought and thats ok. But before you throw in the towel,

I am wondering about something though. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? I am wondering because my son has SAD and you are describing him to a tee. From September to the end of February, he gets into this funk that takes him down so bad that he is barely able to function. After dealing with it for 3 years, I finally talked him into going to the Dr. to see if maybe he had some type of chemical imbalance. They indeed felt that he had SAD and put him on an anti-depressant. After about 2 months, his life got so much better and he felt so much better.

It seems that you are pinpointing all of the pain your going through towards you career but it may be something else that can be easily fixed with a little med and some talking. Nursing is an overwhelming and hard profession and it often makes you choose between it and other things in life. It seems that you have worked hard to get where your at so I would not blame yourself so quickly. It's all gonna play out, you just need to hang in there. Remember, if you need someone, you can come here for over half a million shoulders and hugs and we will always make time to listen. I hope you get to feeling better and that you check into the chemical imbalance possibility..it won't hurt to find out and if you have something like this you would be surprised how much it can take over your life without you ever realizing it. Take care of yourself and if you need anything, holler!

[truern]

(((((KalipsoRed)))))

Sweetie, you seem to have the weight of the world on your shoulders...I hope you have someone *in real life* to talk to..some mentor, a friend, family. Please do talk to somebody.

[HM2VikingRN, RN]

Please call employee assistance. I think you may be in the throes of depression and need help. Night shift is hard on the body and it may very well be that it is making you feel sick. Please please please take care of yourself.

[schroedie]

hi there. i just read this and i can totally sympathize. i graduated last may and have been working on a very difficult peds floor since july. i have had a few days where i was just drowning too, and i was reduced to tears last week because i was so overwhelmed. i completely understand where you are coming from.

its great that your manager seems willing to work with you and your coworkers seem very supportive. maybe you could talk to your manager about how assignments are made and see if there is a way that they can maybe make a few assignments for you where you have the same number of pts as the rest of the coworkers but who are maybe a little bit easier pts to take care of (not as many meds, abx or whatever) that way you can get used to working with that number of pts and finding a system that really works for you and then see if they can start working in more difficult assignments. i dont know if thats a reality, but it seems like your manager is willing to help you out so its a possibility.

thankfully on my unit they try to take the difficulty of the pt into consideration, although i have had a few days where i felt like an epic failure because things just didnt "go the way i had planned" and my days fell apart which is funny because i have to keep telling myself that its the nature of nursing to not go as planned lol.

believe me, i still have good days where things go great, and days when i want to hand back my license and quit on the spot. the main thing i learned from my recent experience is not to wait for someone to ask you if you need help. go and start asking for help as soon as you realize you are starting to drown because its a lot easier to think and do things before you are in a full blown drowning state than it is when the water is already over your head and youre going down like a brick. ask as soon as you need it. even though i feel afraid that people will judge me or think im incompetent for asking for help, i would rather do that than prove them right by not asking and having something go terribly wrong.

just remember, you arent the only one who has felt like this... i know a lot of my fellow new grads have had this kind of days.

[Jean1313]

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone! I actually posted similiar thoughts this morning. I think all of these suggestions mentioned above are really helpful. But I do want to offer you a "hug" Good luck!

[egglady, LPN]

You said you didnt get around to "stuff like insulins"???????? That concerns me. That is something that is important. You need to talk to someone, or something. Not getting "stuff like insulins" is HUGE. Not good. Please, get some help- counseling, something. YOU deserve it and your patients deserve it..

[rn/writer, RN]

I'll echo what the other posters have said. Get some professional help. Start with your hospital's Employee Assistance Program. You need to let out your frustrations in a setting where they can help you evaluate your needs and offer ideas and options.

If you don't have a doc, they might be able to give you a referral.

Many folks suffer the effects of SAD--seasonal affective disorder. This comes from a lack of exposure to sunlight during the winter months. Switching to nights makes it even more difficult to catch a few rays.

You can Google SAD to find out more.

Apart from that possibility, you said you're reluctantly single and you live apart from your family. These are also factors that can lead a person to feel isolated and lonely and just plain discouraged.

Again, I'd suggest contacting the EAP and getting suggestions about how to build some happiness into your life. We all face work challenges, but most of us have pleasant and positive outlets to help let off steam and restore perspective. Without that, it just all looks so bleak.

If you can find some healthy things that feel good and you can build a little bit of happiness into each day regardless of what happens at work, I'm guessing that the black clouds will start to lift, and you will find yourself feeling more capable and uplifted.

I'm glad you posted. Coming here for support was a first step in the right direction.

[emtstudentnurse]

Since I posted something similar, I do not have work advice except take the others advice seriously. My advice is for your personal life. My personal life is somewhat together although work is not. At first it was a struggle, but with strategy it became easier. First, try to resist the urge to buy single self help books, waste of money in a recession. They all say the same thing. My current boyfriend I met online. Yes, I said it. We actually went to high school together a decade ago, and things happened. I'm not going to go on a how to find a boyfriend jant. But, with mine it works since he works nights and I have self scheduling. It just works. Now, having friends and being on night shift is doable. Most of my friends and family are day people. At first I was most irritated with them calling when I had to sleep. Solution, I told them that 11am for them is 11pm for me. Which kind of worked with some. Others, I told them when I slept, which I pretty much stick to. A few others had to have me call them when they were sleeping to get the idea. Also, I get up at 1630, but don't clock in until 1830. I use this time to run errands and make phone calls to friends and family. When I get my schedule, I call and make dates with my friends. It's a little easier when I have at least 2 days off in a row. If something happens in my life and can't talk to friend right away, like at 2am, email them. I also joined a rodeo association that puts on a rodeo once a year, I'm in Tx. We usually meet once a month until the rodeo, which is next week, then we start meeting every week. It's a matter of putting yourself out in the world, and definately getting some sunshine time. Hopefully some of this will help. Good luck and know you're not alone.