A little grinch inside me came out!

[Antikigirl]

So here I was running my tailfeathers off the other night! One, I was part of the code team, and had to run to the ER to assist with a code...code save :). Then a nurse who has never done an NG tube needed someone to do it...I was the only one that night...so I did it...great placement, but patient was gagging so much that I had to remove it..it was all blood and air...off to the ICU for her...her stomach was filled with blood! (unknown GI problem just off the ER floor to our floor). Then we had a patient die who was about to go home on hospice...and it was my nursing friends first death...so I had to console her and help (gladly!).

Then I get a fresh admit after all of this and 4 patients of my own that had been neglected from all the other happenings....a suicidal ideation!

I took a break to wipe the slate clean from all this other stuff and focus on my pts and the new one..and I couldn't stop thinking "here I am saving folks...running my orifice off doing it...and then we get someone that doesn't even WANT to live! Why should I waste my time tending to those that don't want to live when I have so much to do for the people struggling TO live!!!!!!!".

I was so mad at myself for even thinking that! It really disturbed me...but for some reason a little grinch in the back of my head was saying this...UHGGGGG! And I went home to ponder it...

I know they need my help too...guess I was just burnt out with all the excitement and watching someone slowly pass away and seeing a nurse cry. But sheesh...I am a very proactive sweet funny nurse..that very thought distrubed me (guess that is a good thing..If I didn't get disturbed..then I would be in trouble).

Anyone else think that some days? Why are we doing things for some patients that either don't want to live, or whos quality of life will be decreased something fierce for making them live???? (sometimes I feel we do too much on some people somedays).

Anyway...I am good to go now, and found out that the patient had just had a change in psych meds and really wasn't so suicidal as having withdrawls from her old meds (which were not tapered) and was scared...and lucky for me..that grinch may have been talking, but I always feel there is a rational story behind everything..the trick is to be open and find it out :). BTW..she adored me and felt better talking with me about things (I had to be her one on one for two hours...so it all turned out wonderfully!!!!).

[Jay-Jay, RN]

You never know what those suicidal patients have been through until you research their history. I currently have a good friend in hospital for suicidal ideation. Her mom and grandmother passed away this summer, within the same week. She has been trying to get help for months now to deal with the grief, and has not had any success. Dad is on welfare, and will have to give up his 3 bedroom apt. now he is alone. The place is just PACKED with clutter, and she has been trying to clean it up, without any help from him or her sisters. One of her sisters is ill, and my friend has taken on her care (makes sure she gets to her monthly hospital appt. for the IV medications she need to live a fairly normal life.) She has a crummy, low-paying job and doesn't stand much chance of getting anything better until she is able to get her life back on track, and finish her university education, which is on hold due to her emotional state.

Her admission to ER was a real cry for help. Here she was helping all these other people, and no one was looking out for her. She knew her anti-depressant meds weren't working, but when she called the psychiatrist's office, she was told he couldn't see her for at least a month.

[Antikigirl, ASN, RN]

Jay Jay you are soooooo right! I have friends and pts that can't get into see their docs or psychs for months! That is why I do listen and be compassionate...even if I suspect something different with the situation. YOu just never know...so best to be open!

I see many folks come in with SI that do that very same thing...helping others so much they have nothing left on their own plate! Many of my friends do this and I have to remind them all the time that you can't serve if you have nothing spare to give!

[RetiredTooSoon]

My brother committed suicide almost two years ago, he was 35 years old.

I think that in most cases, those who try to kill themselves, or succeed, don't want to die, they just don't know how to live any more. Whatever pain is driving them does not allow them to see the reason of living and, in their minds, the only way to stop the pain, is by not being able to feel it any more.

Wearing my amateur psychology hat, I feel that is why many also drink heavily or take drugs. As long as they can numb the pain that way, they're managing. But, eventually, the pain requires more, and they only see death as the way out.

Interestingly, a social worker friend of mine pointed out that most people who do commit suicide think of it and set it up several times before they actually do it. In other words, it's highly doubtful that JP (my brother) just tried this one time. She said that most of the time, they have plans and are serious about them, but they are interrupted by something, like a phone call, or an unexpected event that delays their actions. Oddly enough, that helped me feel a bit better about things.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread - I just wanted to present the other side.

Using drugs and alcohol is a very common way to deal with mental illness-it's a way to numb the horror that can go on inside the brain. I've had both family members and friends get deeply into alcohol to numb both depression and mania. Three of my cousins later went on to die by suicide after extended use of alcohol in an attempt to self-medicate the illness away.

I also know that for a percentage of people, there is no treatment that is effective for their depression. For those sufferers, no amount of compliance or creativity on their part when it comes to medications and treatments they try help them to feel well. They can live for years, decades even, facing the depression every single day, day in and day out.

For those people, suicide is a relief from intractable emotional, mental and physical pain. If the pain could be taken away and kept away for good, suicide would not be a choice. People who have never lived with major mental illnesses for months and years at a time could not even begin to understand this.

As for the suicidal person thinking things through and setting things up many times in their mind beforehand, the social worker was very right; it's also true that the suicidal will 'learn' from failed attempts, both their own and those of others, to help increase the lethality of any future attempts. One or two failures can often help the person refine their methods to increase the odds of success in future attempts.

And just as there are pro-ana websites that help young women in self-starvation, there are also websites and books to help the suicidal to increase their chances of success, either directly (here's how to do it) or indirectly (I tried to kill myself by doing X; they said if I'd taken more/waited longer/etc, I wouldn't have survived).

[ShayRN]

i quickly said "oops" to God then followed w/"i bet you wish you hadn't made me such a handful.".

we had a chuckle together.:)

leslie

OMG, I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. I LOVE IT! I have often wondered if God looks at me sometimes and thinks "Oi, what was I thinking? I gave her a temper and a brain, why can't she use them both at the same time????