A spouse that just doesn't get it. - page 3

by megkat

4,394 Views | 28 Comments

So let me start off by saying that my husband is a great guy. He would move heaven and Earth to make sure I'm happy but he just doesn't get it when it comes to school. He has never been to college and works in the... Read More


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    Quote from megkat

    They are pretty much testing his ability to look up and find a building code, so he doesn't actually have to memorize an entire book.

    THANK YOU AGAIN for all the words of wisdom.
    You could try saying that you have to do more than memorize test answers for nursing. You have to actually understand and remember the material, because if your patient has a heart attack or other medical emergency, you need to *know* what may be happening and what to do about it. You can't just look up the answers in a book, and in fact, there isn't time. Your patient needs your skill, knowledge, critical thinking and immediate action.

    If you can explain this in a way that doesn't take away from the importance of his career, all the better. It's good that he would reference building codes, for instance, and know where to look. It is essential that he does his job well. The difference is, a building can wait until tomorrow or until inspection or until proper building code is figured out... Your patient cannot.
    anotherone and megkat like this.
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    OK, devil's advocate time.

    Why would we expect our spouse/friends/family members who aren't nurses to care/understand about nursing? Someone who hasn't been to nursing school won't understand about the exams or about clinicals.

    Yes, they should be supportive. And I'm sure they care inasmuch as they want us to succeed and to be happy. And they will converse with us about our respective days at school/work like all normal people do. But do we really expect them to understand/care about how hard it is to write a careplan? Or how many med cards we have to memorize?

    Would you be interested in the daily minutiae of being a carpenter? Of being in accounting school? Is nursing really that much harder? Or more important? Or more interesting?

    And, believe me, your S.O. and friends will tire quickly of hearing about how hard and important nursing is, with the underlaying implication being that it's more difficult or important than whatever they got going on in their lives.


    My all time favorite quote from M*A*S*H from HotLips Houlihan (a nurse) is where she listens to BJ complain about how much he misses his kids, and how people in the service who don't have kids couldn't possibly understand, and their pain can't compare. Hotlips is having none of it. She replies "How dare you stand there and act like your brand of suffering is worse than anybody else's!"

    I think that quote applies here.
    Carpediem1012, rubato, whealer, and 3 others like this.
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    DH probably won't understand nursing school because he's never done it. But that's okay! It sure would be great if he tried to understand but BrandonLPN has a good point, being supportive is different than being understanding. Try approaching from a different point with your DH. Instead of showing him your textbooks and telling the curving system of the A&P, ask him for support in laundry, meal planning and child care.
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    Oh and make some freezer meals, it will come in handy during midterms and finals!!!!!
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    Basically, I would educate him by having him see items that make it more real to him.

    Have him speak with a nurse, a husband of a nurse, or several nursing students.

    Either way, organizing and getting agreement on items now can really help.

    having the kids do after school activities to give you time to study,
    having grandparents watch the kids sometimes, or
    assistance with house cleaning.

    Even things as small as automatic bill paying, or organizing extended family and friends can lesson the strain on you and your husband.

    Other great tricks are how to cook meals quickly, or the ability to call out during finals week.

    Organizing and educating(husband, kids, extended family) and getting their buy in really helps.
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    I sometimes have the same problem with my husband. We don't have kids so that is definitely a plus for us, but he gets very sensitive about being "ignored" when I'm reading or doing work. He understands that I'm not doing it to hurt his feelings but it still gets to him. It got to him so bad that we promised to have a date night once a week and have dinner together with no TV or distractions, so we can chat about our day every single night. I know it's hard to set time aside but I don't like the stress it puts on our marriage so I work extra hard every night to avoid falling behind. He also agreed to do the dishes for me and some light house work so we can have that weekly date night. He will do more for me so that we can workout together on the weekends. It doesn't stop him from feeling "ignored" but he is trying to be there for me and knows I really want to be a nurse. I hope y'all can get to a common ground where he takes what is going on with your school life more serious and helps out more. Good luck.
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    Sometimes we as nursing students fall into this idea that we are the only ones sacrificing for the sake of school. The reality is, that everyone around us is also sacrificing so that we can better ourselves. I have gone back to school to pursue my FNP in the last 2 years, and I can tell you my wife has been my hero. Seldom complaining about the long study hours, and the neglect of family I sometimes have to dole out. During those periods when my wife doesn't fully understand, I try very hard to give her the attention she deserves and, and be understanding of her not understanding. Now that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting a little brighter, things seem to be getting easier.
    whealer likes this.
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    Quote from DadStudentPerhaps
    I'm a dad, work full time, and already have one degree in an unrelated subject. I'm now knocking down pre-reqs for Nursing, while my wife is currently going back to school FT to complete her Masters and become a NP.

    Many years ago, we were dating when she was in Nursing school. Many of our dates included her studying and doing care plans at my house while I was in another room watching TV. I kind of knew way back then how tuff these Nursing classes were just by watching the many hours she spent studying and doing HW. My classes back then were nowhere near as challenging.

    Now that I'm actually taking some of the classes she did back then, I know how hard classes like A&P can be, and how much studying is required to make an "A". Lets just say that I have gained even more appreciation for what she did back then. Now that she's in school to complete her NP, I can tell you that's tough sledding as well.

    I think your husband will be able to see how hard these classes are when you get started. If not, show him these threads so he can read for himself how thousands of people agree, it takes a lot of midnight oil to pass Nursing.
    Wow...great on the both of you for working so hard!!!
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    It doesn't necessarily change when school is over, I hate to tell you. I love my other half, and he is very supportive 99% of the time. He puts up with me being crabby when I don't sleep, or stressed out because I have another paper due (I'm full time work and school right now), but we had to have a sit down talk about what I can reasonably do around the house. I think whether or not he realized it, he was being passive aggressive about things like me leaving books out on the table (he is a neat freak). We were arguing a lot for a little while because we had different expectations of each other. Once we worked out that the house is not going to be spotless until school is over, and I will try really, really, hard to just pick up so it's not messy, things got much better.

    About the only thing I get irritated over now is that his family volunteers us to host get togethers, and it is inevitably always a night I work. Generally without asking, and never with much notice. I told him this last one would be the last one, or we'd be more than happy to volunteer them since they live a few minutes away. The one thing I'm protective of is my sleep. I just cannot go to work tired on a regular basis, I find it's a lot easier to make stupid mistakes that way.


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