Hoping and Rraying that my "New Life" as A Nursing Student Will Improve my Marriage.

[grad2009]

My marriage is dying daily. Funny thing is, it's all so polite and calm. None of the kicking and screaming and gasping for air that you would expect. A nineteen year marriage is ever so slowly, peacefully slipping away with nothing but silent tears to mourn its passing. How can this be?

I got married at 16. Hubby was 19. I didn't know I had married an alcoholic! I didn't even know he drank, and we had been going out for three years. Hubby bought alcohol the first night we were married and the abuse began. He wasn't physically abusive, but oh he was verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. But, no matter how bad it got, it still wasn't as bad as my family of origin.

I coped by becoming a martyr. I was a damn good one too! I became the perfect wife and the supermommy. ( I had my first child at age 20.) I was so good, an excellent housewife, and a devoted Christian homeschooling mother.

All of this worked very well UNTIL HUBBY QUIT DRINKING. Suddenly, he was the bad one that needed to get his act together anymore. He became responsible, available, dependable, and I lost my role. Now, he began wanting to see changes in me. This, along with many other things, led to my breakdown. I spent a month in the mental hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder.

When I came out of the hospital, hubby's demands changed. Now he just wanted me to make it through the day. He treated me with kid gloves for a year during which time I learned to depend on everyone else for help. Due to the medications, I also started gaining weight like crazy.

In the past year, Hubby has decided it's time for me to get off my a** and get my life back together. He hates the weak, dependent, fat (333 lb.) person I've become. He has pushes me really hard this past year to no avail.

You see, I don't want to be supermom anymore! That's fine with him and he understands that but I've got to get back to a normal level of operation ...housecleaning, meals, taking care of kids, etc. I'm so depressed with being at home alone while the kids are at school that I sleep all day....NOT GOOD!

So, I've decided to go to school. I'm excited, I'm scared to death, I'm so nervous I wish January 18th would just get here before I back out. This is a major undertaking and no one is going to be able to do it for me. I'm on my own as far as schoolwork is concerned.

My family is very supportive and my 16 year old bought me makeup and hair curlers for Xmas to encourage me to look nice for class. They are willing to help out around the house if they know that I am busy with school instead of sleeping all day.

I'm praying that going to school will help me gain the independence and self growth I need in order to save a marriage in trouble.

[RosesrReder, BSN, MSN, RN]

my prayers are with you. May the new year bring your marriage closer and a prosperous time in school.

[LauraF, RN, ASN, CNA, LPN, RN]

I would really recommend counseling before you start nursing school. You have to be a strong person to make it through nursing school. There are a lot of mind games and you need to be able to concentrate on school, technique and your reading. Hoping this change is going to improve your marriage is setting yourself up for failure. YOu need to go to school yourself, not because someone tells you to get off your a**. Going to school will benefit you by getting you out meeting people and a commitment. I hope all goes well for you and your family. I think that will be a big help is if the kids are willing to help out. You won't have much time in your life once you start.

[ddavispct]

Good luck in all you do. Remember you and only you have control in your life and only you can change and make any changes. You are blessed that your husband has changed. He is trying, so try with him. Things will only happen if you let them.

[BeenThereDoneThat74, MSN, RN]

it's a little disturbing to hear such comments like "his demands..." and "he wants me to...". you need to do this for yourself, and your kids. do it because you want to do it, because if you're not in it for yourself, it will be difficult for you to succeed. do not do it to save your marriage. your marriage has nothing to do with your career, imho. the only thing it will do for you (your training as a nurse), however, is make you realize what kind of person he truly is. and if you realize that your marriage is over, you will have the ability to make it on your own.

p.s. i'm in a bit of a male-bashing mood, so you'll have to excuse me. i'm easing my way out of a marriage, and honestly, no amount of nursing school could have saved it (i'm still in school for my msn).

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Congrats on taking this first important step. (I agree the only way to be successful is to do it for yourself, nursing school is too tough. But you sound very self-aware.) Good luck to you.

[nursingone]

Hi,

First, Congratulations to you for making such a great choice!

I wish you the best and will pray for your success. You made the first step which is very important. You can do it; have faith in God and yourself. God will direct your path. Never give up on yourself!

I don't want to know the details of your marriage but it is hard to maintain when you are going to school. You have to happy for yourself and make the decisions that are right for you. I will continue to pray for you.

nursingone

[grad2009]

Thanks for all the prayers and concerns.

Just to let you know, I have been in counseling for about one month now, even though its difficult for me to know what to talk about. All three of our kids are in counseling too! They are very good at expressing themselves and use every minute of their session to the fullest.

I truly love my husband with all my heart and don't want to go through life without him but I realize how unfair things are for him right now. I mean, it's no fun having a 333 lb. depressed housewife who is not doing her chores to come home to after a 12 hour workday.

I have been doing better this week. I've pushed myself to keep the house picked up and to cook for hubby. (JUST DO IT has been my motto.) I started the Zone diet on Monday. I have cut back drastically on bad carbs and have increased my fruits and veggies. I do fine during the day but I wake up several times during the night and then I get up and snack. At least now I'm eating healthy snacks. I'm working with my psychiatrist to find a medication that keeps me asleep all night so the snacking won't be a problem.

Just to clarify, going to school is my idea. Yes, hubby wanted me to think of SOMETHING to keep me busy but he never specified what. I was a good student in high school and always wanted to go to college but never had the opportunity until now.

[Angels']

grad2009

I am so happy and very relieved that you and your children are in counseling. :)

Mental illness bipolar and major depressive disorder affects you and all the members of your family. I hope that your husband will agree to therapy too.

I am praying that you will take excellent care of yourself and that your hearts special good dreams will come true.

Angels'

[topamicha]

I truly love my husband with all my heart and don't want to go through life without him but I realize how unfair things are for him right now. I mean, it's no fun having a 333 lb. depressed housewife who is not doing her chores to come home to after a 12 hour workday.

How unfair things are for him? Perhaps you are still stuck in the victim role. Marriage isn't always "fair." It wasn't fair to you for him to be an abusive alcoholic all those years, either. It certainly isn't fair to be telling you to get off your a** when you have bipolar disorder. I'm certain you love him, but it goes both ways. Nope, it's no fun having a 333 lb wife, but it's not fun being put down for years and neglected, either. Maybe I've misinterpreted this post, maybe he's loving & kind and I was just misled by some of your statments, but if not, I am utterly appalled that you would endure such treatment and even make excuses for it. He got through alcoholism and recovered because of your support. You sacrificed for him. Time to reciprocate. Through sickness and health, remember? And, he should adore you no matter what you weigh. Have you ever, in the entire course of your marriage, stood up for yourself?!