Funny things that pt's say!

Specialties Ob/Gyn

Published

Pt comes in, ask her what brought her in today, she says that MD checked her in the office and then she had some spotting so she thinks that her "mucous cord broke".

Checked a pt, she was 4 cm-primip. Her mother starts having a freak out fit and says that I need to call the doctor right away. I ask why, she says "because all of my babies were born when I was only dilated to 5 cm." BTW, pt ended up with c section for failure to progress at 8 cm several hours later.

Pt came in at 30 weeks in "labor" for the 6th time in 3 weeks, cervix was thick and closed and she told me that the last time she was in she was crowning when she came in but the nurse pushed the head back in and told her to go home. (cool new treatment for ptl!!):eek:roll BTW, this pt also had c section at full term for failure to progress-I guess whe should push those heads up there more often!

Pt called MD and said that she had some bleeding after she had a BM. MD said that it sounded like some rectal bleeding, maybe from hemmroids and it was a very small amt so she didn't need to worry about it. Pt then said "it isn't coming from that hole, it is coming from, you know the other hole." MD replied "you mean your lady parts." Pt says "well, yeah, I think so, but I'm not sure." Pt had said that it was a little bit of blood on the tissue so MD told her it was probably not a problem, told pt to watch for heavier bleeding and see her in the office on monday (this was a saturday afternoon). The pt said "are you sure?" The MD does not like it when people ask her if she is sure so she said "You don't know your butt from your lady parts and YOU are asking ME if I'M sure?" Pt sent her flowers on monday with a card that said hope you had a good weekend!

Come on, I know that you all have some good ones to share with the rest of us!!!!

Specializes in Family Practice.

A couple of weeks ago I had a HIspanic pt who was in labor ~ 8 cm. Very limited English. She wanted to go to the bathroom so I let her go and while she sat on the commode she looked like she was "ready". I looked at her and asked if she felt like she needed to poop. She shook her head and I could tell she didn't understand me. So I said " no caca?", trying to ask , "you dont feel like you need to poop do you? " she said no , pee. I said "no caca?" she shook her head no and I assisted her back to the birthing bed.

The other nurse was standing there and she said that if you say caca it's like us saying ****. I was so horrified! This woman told me she just had to pee and I said NO ****!

Specializes in L&D, mother/baby, antepartum.

I was discharging a pt who was recovering from PID and we were discussing how she developed it (in her case it was gonorrhea). She looked confused so I was trying to clarify the explanation when she said "I understand what you are saying. I just don't understand how this happened; my boyfriend just got out of jail a couple of weeks ago". Ewwwww...let's hope that he already had the gonorrhea when he went in to jail and didn't contract it while he was there. I didn't even go there with her.

oh, and I will never forget....

A friend and I were once discussing the use of tampons vs. pads. She said, "I can't believe anyone would use those!!! I mean, how could you pee?" when I gave her a funny look and asked what she meant, she said, "well, wouldnt it get all soaked up with pee before it was of any use?". Come to find out she didnt realize that the lady parts and urethra were two separate places!!!! This was my friend that was a CNA getting ready for nursing school!!! LOL

This happened to me to! When I was taking the CNA certification class, my friend (who was in her 30's with 3 children, no less) admitted that she never knew there were 2 seperate 'holes' :uhoh3: down there after looking at a diagram in the book! HOLY HELL!

Specializes in OR, OB, EM, Flight, ICU, PACU.......
hmmm, let's see.....

Had a CNA talk about the patients "fungus" instead of fundus.

The other night had a pt with High BP's and the doc was at the bedside checking a BP... pt was supposed to be on her side, and was only tilted slightly... doc said "are you on your side?".. meaning ofcourse "turn all the way on your side", and the patient just got a funny look on her face, turned to her mother and said "mom?" like she didnt know if she was on her side or not!!!

I always love "I THINK I'm in labor"

PTL's denying recent intercourse.... sperm in the fern test.

"I think I'm in labor.... This is my boyfriend, and this is his wife. Yes, they are both going to stay with me"

"the father of my baby will be here for the delivery, but right now he is down the hall with his girlfriend because she is having a baby too"

Ahhh, Yes, the infamous "Babydaddy"! :banghead:

Specializes in OR, OB, EM, Flight, ICU, PACU.......
haha i absolutely loved the lawn mowing post! thanks for the laugh. next time the doc should write no doing the dishes, laundry, or anything remotely related to house work!!!! ha. thanks for the laugh.

worked for an ob that did something similar for his patients, plus " no lifting anything heavier than a credit card". needless to say, he was real popular1:yeah:

Specializes in OR, OB, EM, Flight, ICU, PACU.......
We had a multip come in with her 3 year old son and precipitously deliver. As the pt was screaming her head off, one of the other nurses took the little boy out of the room for some juice and crackers. After the pt. delivered, we brought the boy back in the room to see his new baby sister to which he responded...

"Mama, where you get that white baby from?"

The pt was african american.

Mixed marriage, or OOOPPPs?:bluecry1:

Specializes in PERI OPERATIVE.
Mixed marriage, or OOOPPPs?:bluecry1:

African American babies often times come out looking "white". They don't get their dark coloring until a little while later.

Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

My husband is Hispanic and very brown. Our son was born just as white as I am....he has darkened up as he's gotten older, esp when out in the sun. Five minutes and he's darker than I am in five hours.

my patients are definitely not the brightest, but one time an inmate refused to have a skull x-ray stating on the refusal form, "I graduated from high school, so I ain't stupid. I don't need an x-ray to see if I have a brain"

In 2008 not much has improved here........... If you have not worked with inmates you can never know.

:yeah::):yeah:

Specializes in MB / L&D / NICU.

I had a Hispanic pt's husband once try to explain to me that mom wanted to breatfeed. I dont remember the exact conversation but at one point he said to me, " you know...the titties" I about hit the floor! Hilarious!:lol2:

All of our pts come in through the ED and the greeter down there always calls us and says "so and so is here for her inducement"

Specializes in L&D.

I walked in to hear a pt on the phone explaining that she was getting antibiotics b/c she had strep like in your throat except hers was in her lady parts.. :chuckle

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