Urgent! Dream job opening, critique my cover letter??

  1. 0
    Hey!!! I'm a nursing student looking for a tech job and one just opened in OB at the hospital I want to work at after graduation. This is the PERFECT job for me so I need urgent help perfecting my cover letter. Any tips would be GREATLY appreciated. Also, advice on following up the application? Should I call HR? Email? How long? What should I say? I've never wanted anything this bad. Thanks!

    Name
    Address
    Phone
    Email

    April 18, 2013
    Human Resources
    Facility
    Nashville, TN

    Attention Human Resources:
    I am writing in response to an announcement posted on FACILITY employment opportunities website for Care Partner – 4 East/Obstetrics position. As you can see from my resume, I am in my final year as a nursing student at SCHOOL.

    Upon graduation, it is my intention to pursue a position as an RN in women’s health. This position would enable me to continue learning about the specialty that has been my passion since before nursing school ever began.

    My clinical experience in Women’s Health, Medical Surgical Nursing, Intensive Care Unit, Pediatrics and Long Term Care have enabled me to develop skills that prepare of the responsibilities of a care partner. My employment background in retail and customer service taught me comfort and confidence in interaction with customers and therefore with patients. My love for obstetrics makes me eager to learn and to give everything I already know to fulfill the duties of this position accurately, safely, and enthusiastically.

    I would be honored and excited to be a part of Facility team and contribute my skills to your staff and patients. Thank you for giving my resume consideration. I would welcome the chance to meet with you to discuss possible employment opportunities. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Sincerely,

    Name
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  3. 7 Comments so far...

  4. 0
    I like it. I would just say that the "Attention Human Resources" is not quite right to me. I might go with To Whom It May Concern or even leave off the greeting. I would move the very short second paragraph up into the first. In the paragraph about your clinicals, all of those areas in caps should be lowercase, unless you're referring to specific units within a specific hospital.

    Also think about how your clinicals really will benefit you in OB. I'm sure you learned about assessments and skills in LTC, but it might be a stretch to say that LTC is good preparation for OB. Personally, I might take out the mentions of LTC and ICU, then if you can, mention specifically how your med-surg, peds and women's health clinicals have prepared you for the OB position.

    Good luck!
  5. 1
    To be blunt,

    I think you need to start over. A cover letter isn't about you or what you want, or your career goals. A cover letter is about your employer.

    This is what a good cover letter looks like: What does a good cover letter look like? — Ask a Manager

    Do not talk about how this position would benefit you, i.e. , "This position would enable me to continue learning about the specialty that has been my passion since before nursing school ever began."

    Instead, talk about how YOU would benefit the employer - this SPECIFIC employer. Your cover letter could be applied to pretty much any OB position at any hospital, and is therefore too generic. I think you need to mention specifically what you can do for this specific hospital. This would be a good time to throw in some of the research that you have been doing on this hospital (you have, haven't you?) for example, if they're a level III perinatal center, or if they're magnet status, or they recently hosted an OB symposium or conference or something. Bring it up in your cover letter because it shows that not only do you want to work in OB, but that you want to work in OB at this specific hospital. This will impress recruiters and hiring managers more.

    I would not bring up clinicals so generically, as that is basically reiterating your résumé. Instead, this is a perfect opportunity to tell a BRIEF story. For instance, you could say, "my mother-baby nursing instructor commended me for bla bla bla when bla bla and this illustrates how I would excel in a role as a care giver at whatever unit at bla bla hospital." This is the kind of stuff that is not on your résumé that can really make you stand out.

    Don't throw too much in though, three paragraphs are ideal.

    Not trying to be too harsh. I can sense that you really want this job. Your competition is probably sending in terrible, boring cover letters. The way to get this job is to make your cover letter stand out from the usual boring ,"I think you should hire me because this is my dreeeeeaaaam" cover letters.
    heartsgal likes this.
  6. 1
    Well... I appreciate the suggestions. I just looked at a variety of cover letters online and took little ideas from each. I had mixed feelings about talking about why I wanted it, but I had heard people say that it helped sometimes. Unfortunately I stayed up half the night stressing over it, changed a few things, and submitted it. I should have waited for replies, as that's why I posted it to begin with... but last time an obstetrics extern job opened locally it was closed 24 hours later. I was so scared I'd miss the opportunity altogether I guess I can apply these critiques anyways and try to do a better one next time if this doesn't work out. I feel like this job could set me up for the path I want once I graduate. Wish me luck :/
    heartsgal likes this.
  7. 0
    I hope I wasn't too harsh. Your cover letter isn't bad, it's just not a standout. I can tell you really want this job, and I hope you get it.

    Keep us updated!
  8. 0
    Just want to reiterate---cover letters should show case all your accomplishments, HOWEVER, the showcasing should be hidden in how you will help THEM and make them LOOK GOOD! Yes, cover letters are about you, but you want to talk about how your greatness benefits them.

    Example: Great Hospital is renowned for their trauma care, and desired by many. I am certified in ACLS, TNCC, ENPC. With these qualifications I can add to the amazing teams of nurses. Blah blah blah.

    You talked about how great the hospital is, what you bring to add to that greatness.

    (Yes, my example was rough, don't kill me)

    Posting from my phone, ease forgive my fat thumbs!
  9. 0
    I think you'll still be okay. I don't see this cover letter as problematic. When I read cover letters that try to make an applicant (especially a new graduate or a student) fit into specific aspects of our hospital, they always come across as artificial to me.
  10. 0
    Ultimately from the different responses I think you should just go with what you've got and pray the manager likes it. So many different views. I know that for the two jobs I've interviewed for, both managers loved my cover letters, but I'm sure somewhere I'll find someone that doesn't

    Posting from my phone, ease forgive my fat thumbs!


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