cover letter help!

[blah_blah_blah]

Hello all! I have just recently graduated with my BSN last week but I have been actively looking for jobs since March (I have been licensed since August 2014). I have had several drafts of my cover letter critiqued on here, and I recently had a friend critique it. She completely overhauled it (for the better) however, she is not in the nursing field. What do you guys think of this so far? Thanks!

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Dear Ms. XXXX,

Thank you for taking this time to review my application for the Pediatric Nurse position at Random Hospital. I came across the listing on the RH careers website, and I see that you are seeking caring, knowledgeable, and hard working individuals to join the RH nursing team. I think that you will find my experience in high-volume customer service paired with my academic background has prepared me to be a useful addition to your facility healthcare team as a nurse at RH.

I am a Registered Nurse and have recently graduated with a BSN from Town College. Through my coursework, I have gained a deep understanding of health care and proper patient care. During clinical rotations in nursing school, I found pediatrics as the most rewarding rotation and hope to immerse myself in the specialty as my career. I have worked as a customer service representative at Grocery Store for the past 7 years. During that time, I have developed a passion for excellent customer service, exceptional communication skills, efficiency, and teamwork. I have excelled in Grocery Store's fast-paced and physically challenging work environment. This quality will be important in meeting the demands of a full-time nursing position.

I have had the privilege of shadowing at RH on February 13, 2015. I respect and appreciate the dedication your facility has for patient safety and patient satisfaction as well as the communication exhibited during the daily safety huddle I attended. I would love to be part of the RH Health nursing team as your vision of accountability, integrity, excellence, and patient centered care are the same principles I value as a health care professional.

Please find my resume attached for consideration for the pediatric nurse position. I can be reached at (XXX) XXX-XXXX or at [email protected] at your convenience. Thank you for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon.

Best,

HIRE ME PLEASE, BSN, RN

[blah_blah_blah]

Very nice but the conclusion (Nurse, BSN, RN) I have not seen that before. I have seen (RN-BSN) the level of of your degree follows the RN.

Haha really? that's weird because I've never seen it with a hyphen before. Maybe it varies by location? I'm in the northeast part of the US

[blah_blah_blah]

I think it's way better! I read it with interest and want to meet you, an engaging candidate :)

Consider breaking up the second paragraph into 2 paragraphs starting with the "I worked as a grocery..." Remove the "these skills are important for..." (bc you don't need to tell them what skills are important in their employees).

Good luck!

Thanks for all your help! It is greatly appreciated!