Your A Nurse If.....

  1. The front of you scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!'

    You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

    You believe tontine treatment is a legitimate alternative

    You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

    You've ever used an ABD as a makeshift sanitary pad

    You constantly feel the veins in your boyfriends or husbands arms, boasting, "I could hit that one easy"

    You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)

    You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time

    You ever felt like a Proctologist because you work with *******s

    It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you

    You ever told a patient he didn't need to be dead to donate an organ

    You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe

    You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

    In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.

    You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"

    You believe skin signs tell all.

    You believe sick people don't *****.

    You believe air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.

    You believe about 80% of the battery patients deserved it.

    You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.

    You believe if you drop the baby, pick it up.

    You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.

    You believe all people will eventually die, no matter what you do.

    You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.

    You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

    You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.

    You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.

    You believe there will be problems.

    You can't cure stupid.

    You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

    You believe heaven protects Fools and Drunks.

    You believe every Emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse.

    You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.

    You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn't back up.

    You never trust the crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.

    You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case"

    There is no such thing as a bad code, only codes that didn't go the way you planned.

    You believe just because someone's license date is before yours; does not mean they know what they are doing.

    You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your ass covered!

    Your immune system has reached out and ***** slapped someone visiting the ED because of a head cold.

    You believe the best way to give someone a nice warm feeling deep down inside is by using warm water in the enema bag.

    You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.

    To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

    You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.

    You've ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)

    You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them

    You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained

    You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

    You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.

    You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

    You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.

    You no longer have a gag reflex.

    You hide on Thursday nights so you don't have to translate all the terms on "ER" for your friends/relatives.

    You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.

    You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.

    You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.

    You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk

    You use the phrase "Turn and Baste" and you are nowhere near a kitchen
    Last edit by betts on Feb 2, '02
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  2. 27 Comments

  3. by   Reabock
    I am sitting laughing hysterically because I can relate to so many of these and after a very busy night at work, I really needed the laugh. This has been copied and printed and is in my bag to take to work tomorrow. Thanks!!
  4. by   PhantomRN
    LOVED IT!!!!
  5. by   Reabock
    Took a copy of this to work today and they loved it! Only one question: What is tontine treatment, the 3rd one on the list, none of us had the remotest idea of what that could refer to???
  6. by   betts
    Reabock,
    Absorbent nonwovens and papers for the food products, hygiene and medical industries. Bleached waddings in sheet and disc form for chemical and beverage filtration, litho wipes and metal polishing, and medical and packaging applications, from cellulose.

    Nursing/Medical Uses


    Cellosene- A pure cellulose wadding in a roll form for incontinence management and which totally disintegrates through toilet systems.

    Swabs- Non-woven 100% pure cellulose swabs

    Tray Liners- For surgical and dental instruments

    Bench protection- Plastic coated papers for use in laboratories and bench spillage protection

    Incontinence- Many sizes and grades of coated sheets for beds and chairs etc...
  7. by   micro
    great, soo funny and so true

    45 I love it!!!!!!! this patient is 45!!!!!!!!!

    micro
  8. by   NurseDennie
    You're a nurse if -- - - - - Your sigh of pleasure and relief is bigger for taking off the shoes and socks than for taking off the bra! (sorry, guys)

    Love

    Dennie
  9. by   blsternrn
    This is hilarious!!! I can relate to so many of these!! I loved the one about the best patient being SIR!! I can't wait to share this with my friends ! Thanks for making my day!
  10. by   Brown Suga
    I can relate to some of the situations just by working in the hospital as a tech. Among the clinical experience through the nursing program that I am attending. I thought the list was a scream I am going to make a copy and take it to school and possible work.

    Marlita
  11. by   graycious
    humorous thanks bless you
  12. by   NAYRN98
    Oh how many times have I done the 27 minutes left of the shift from hell happy dance!!!

    Thanks for the laugh

    Nay :roll
  13. by   kaycee
    Thanks Betts, copied and pasted this one and sent it out. Loved it!!
  14. by   kyjule
    AWESOME!!!!!!!!

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Your A Nurse If.....