The front of you scrubs
read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!'
You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.
You believe tontine treatment is a legitimate alternative
You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'
You've ever used an ABD as a makeshift sanitary pad
You constantly feel the veins in your boyfriends or husbands arms, boasting, "I could hit that one easy"
You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
You ever felt like a Proctologist because you work with *******s
It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
You ever told a patient he didn't need to be dead to donate an organ
You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"
You believe skin signs tell all.
You believe sick people don't *****.
You believe air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
You believe about 80% of the battery patients deserved it.
You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
You believe if you drop the baby, pick it up.
You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
You believe all people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
You believe there will be problems.
You can't cure stupid.
You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
You believe heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
You believe every Emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse.
You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn't back up.
You never trust the crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.
You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case"
There is no such thing as a bad code, only codes that didn't go the way you planned.
You believe just because someone's license date is before yours; does not mean they know what they are doing.
You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your ass covered!
Your immune system has reached out and ***** slapped someone visiting the ED because of a head cold.
You believe the best way to give someone a nice warm feeling deep down inside is by using warm water in the enema bag.
You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.
You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
You've ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)
You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them
You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience
You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'
You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.
You no longer have a gag reflex.
You hide on Thursday nights so you don't have to translate all the terms on "ER" for your friends/relatives.
You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.
You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.
You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.
You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk
You use the phrase "Turn and Baste" and you are nowhere near a kitchen