The Middle Wife

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    by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher

    i've been teaching now for about fifteen years. i have two kids myself, but the best birth story i know is the one i saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

    when i was a kid, i loved show-and-tell. so i always have a few sessions with my students. it helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. and i never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. if they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    well, one day this little girl, erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

    she held up a snapshot of an infant. 'this is luke, my baby brother, and i'm going to tell you about his birthday.

    'first, mom and dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then dad put a seed in my mom's stomach, and luke grew in there. he ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

    she was standing there with her hands on the pillow, and i was trying not to laugh and wishing i had my camcorder with me. the kids were watching her in amazement.

    'then, about two saturdays ago, my mom started going, 'oh, oh, oh, oh!' erica put a hand behind her back and groaned. 'she walked around the house for, like an hour, 'oh, oh, oh!' (now this kid was doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

    'my dad called the middle wife. she delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the domino's man. they got my mom to lie down in bed like this.' (then erica laid down with her back against the wall.)

    'and then, pop! my mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (this kid had her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. it was too much!)

    then the middle wife started saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.they started counting, but never even got past ten. then, all of a sudden, out came my brother. he was covered in yucky stuff that they all said was from mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

    when he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

    then erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

    i'm sure i applauded the loudest. ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, i bring my camcorder, just in case another 'middle wife' comes along.
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    About FranEMTnurse, LPN, EMT-I Pro

    Joined: Jun '02; Posts: 14,719; Likes: 7,941


  3. by   Punkrocksn
    Oooooooh I am dying laughing!!!!!
  4. by   FranEMTnurse
    Glad you enjoyed it. There's nothing like little kids' interpretations.
  5. by   mysonsmama
    Too cute! I wonder how her mother would react to hear that lovely home birth reenactment hahaha
  6. by   FranEMTnurse
    It is funny, isin't it.
  7. by   BlzRN
    Awww! I would love to meet a little kid with that kind of funny story!
  8. by   FranEMTnurse
    Me too.
  9. by   GitanoRN
    Quote from Franemtnurse
    Me too.
    Me 3rd.
  10. by   liveyourlife747
    That is adorable!! Had me rolling!!
  11. by   Exhaustipated
    This is hysterical! Thank you so much for sharing -- I needed this laugh tonight.
  12. by   cdthorste
    YES!!!! midwives need to put a baby-shaped light on their cars, like the pizza guy!!!
  13. by   Jazziepants
    I loved this. I just can imagine the duck walk. And her mental picture of the play center. Boy is she going to be disappointed when she finds out what it really is.
  14. by   FranEMTnurse
    Oh is she ever!