Share Your Funniest Patient Stories...

Jessiedog, RN · Jan 10, 2008

I remember, many moons ago when I was a newbie, thought I knew everything and knew nothing, I had an encounter with my very first severely demented lady.

She had unfortunately contracted Sylphilis from her husband when he was fooling around on the side. He had himself treated, but neglected to inform our patient that she would need treatment too, because that would mean he'd need to admit to being unfaithful!! Anyway, you know the story, she went into stage two, never knew she had the infection until 40 years later when tertiary symptoms started showing up. She was one of the ward favourites, a very sweet and loving lady, but by this time, completely mad!!

I was fresh from the institute, knowing all about how to deal with delusions and hallucinations: you gently and carefully re-orient your patient to the present day and reality. You refuse to become invlolved in their delusions. Hmmmm, well that's the theory, and it may be good with your younger psych patients who will regain some degree of normality, but I have to say it's like pushing _hi_ uphill for some of the older ones!

My first encounter was when I opened her closed door to check on her. She was on her hands and knees with the toothpaste tube in her hands. I found out that she had decided that there was a draft coming in, so had decided to fill up the crack under the door with toothpaste!! Eventually I was on my hands and knees too, as I attempted to remove dried up toothpaste from the floor.

Another memorable encounter was the episode with the window. We had no air-conditioing in this hospital, and all the windows opened, being protected by a fly-screen mesh. Our gentle lady was not happy with my previous explanation that she was not a prisoner, and we weren't trying to harm her, and that she was in hospital. After my fifthieth (I think) repetition of these facts, she nodded and appeared to accept what I'd said as truth. Little did I know!

Checking on her 20 minutes later, I found her with her bag packed, leaning against the open window, trying to remove the fly-screen. On questioning her she stated "I'm leaving. You people are keeping me away from my husband."

Once again I tried to explain that he was dead, and we were caring for her. This resulted in tears, and a renewed effort to remove the flyscreen. Thinking I would fix this problem, I closed the window and left her, thinking she would be too frail to slide up the 4-foot wide window. Checking in another 15 minutes, I was astounded to find the window open, and half the fly-screen loose. What was I going to do?? No matter how many times I "gently and carefully re-oriented to reality", this lady did not respond in the way we were taught they should!

I was desperately trying to think of some way to prevent her from climbing out the window while not betraying the tenets of nursing so recently installed in my brain. I began with:

"Don't do that. You'll hurt yourself."

"Why? I'm only going to climb out."

"You might fall."

"I've never fallen."

"But there are plants in the garden outside the window."

"So I'll walk over them."

My mind racing desperately, I came up with "But they're roses, they've got big thorns and they'll tear you to pieces." With this, she subsided, quite happy to accept this fabrication.

I spent the next few days feeling guilty for having told a demented old lady a 'porky'. Now, 15 years later, I've lost count of the number of times I've stretched the truth, or presented it in alternate ways to assist an elderly and confused person. So much for refusing to enter into their delusions! Sometimes I felt like I spent more time in their delusions than in the real world!!

hospiceprn · Jan 10, 2008

Jessiedog,

AMEN, SISTER! I hear ya!

Nancy:)

Jessiedog, RN · Jan 10, 2008

Just HAD to write this short one! I work now in a Private GP Practise. Being asked to do my 4th ECG for the day, I lead the Italian couple into the side room. It took a little miming and loud talking to understand that she was having the ECG and he was her husband, and was translating for her. (Not that it helped much, his Engish was only marginally better than hers.)

I got the info across that I needed her to take off shirt, bra etc, and lay on the bed. I handed her a procedure blanket, mimed spreading it over herself, and left them to it.

On entering the room the husband was sitting happily in his chair, holding his wife's clothes. The wife was laying comfortably on the bed, with it "all hanging loose", the procedure blanket pristinely folded UNDER her to protect the bed.

Without batting an eyelid, I shook my head, pointed to the blanket and mimed that I would take it out. She lifted up, and I quickly spread the blanket over her upper half, covering all the vitals. The filthy look and stream of violent Italian that flowed towards her husband told me who's idea it was to lay on top of the blanket, rather than use it to preserve modesty!!!

hospiceprn · Jan 11, 2008

Hi Jessiedog,

Thats a great story. It must have added some fun to your day. In my neck-of -woods, we have many people who speak only spanish and I speak SOME spanish as in not completely fluent. My staffing nurse thinks it's funny to send me to a totally spanish speaking household...lol it's either sink or swim, somehow I learned to swim REAL quick.

Nancy :)

Disabled RN · Jan 11, 2008

Hi all, I just discovered this site and signed up....I am really looking forward to chatting! Anyways, I think the funniest story I have is from my first job on a medical floor 27 years ago.

A very obese woman came in with a cheif complaint of abdominal pain. Access was a problem, so while still in the ER, several attempts were made before finally getting a central line into her.

When she arrived to the floor, she commented to me and the intern....

"I came in here with the worst pain in my stomach....now it is gone, I'll tell ya.....that accupuncture REALLY works!!!":icon_roll

SaraO'Hara · Jan 11, 2008

I was taking vitals the other morning and couldn't hear the Korotkoff sounds on a LOL...

"Betty, I'll have to take this again. I can't get a reading."

"I told you, I DIED last night!"

:idea:

Jessiedog, RN · Jan 13, 2008

I LOVE the two responses above!!

Thanks so much, I was honestly ROTFL!!

NPs4health · Feb 8, 2008

Everytime I think about this I can't help but laugh! This patient was on the unit for rehab therapy, but refused all rehab sessions and did nothing but eat and sleep, and be ugly to everyone that went in his room. In the middle of the shift, I went in to give him some PO meds and realized, he had not urinated all day!(because neither the tech or I had emptied his urinal) He took the pills and reached for a plastic cup on his bedside table and as he reached to put it in his mouth I realized the fluid was yellow colored. And I caught a glimpse of his urinal on the floor. I had half a second to decide whether to stop him, but I was trying to hard to keep myself from laughing and by the time I could open my mouth to tell him no, he had already gulped a big gulp and was spewing and spatting the rest out!

I tried to make a sympathetic face and ask him if he was okay but I just burst out laughing! I know it's horrible but it was just sooo funny! :smokin:

Mrs.A · Feb 10, 2008

My absolute favorite was when I was a new grad working in a NY city nursing home. One of the residents was a very tall, distinguished gentleman. He was a soft spoken, polite fellow who proclaimed to have made millions in the "railroad". At that time , sex shops would promote themselves by slipping ads resembling hundred dollar bills under the wipers of parked cars. John had pass privileges and would collect his "millions every time he took a walk. It was really cute, if you did something nice for him he would thank you and tip you 100 bucks (or a topless woman with an 800 number if you didn't have dementia). Anyway one extremely hectic shift , I get paged to the front lobby. When I got off the elevator there is John , hat in hands wringing it away, looking like he's about to drop his cane and sprint. Behind him was an irate man shouting in Spanish along with 3 nothing left to the imagination, no doubt about it prostitutes. When I asked what was going on, the man immediately identified himself as the cab driver who wanted his 50 bucks fare. John had apparently wandered pretty far, found himself some pretty girls and told him about his railroad millions. They must of seen dollar signs thinking of all they could take this old man for. They hailed a taxi, which of course John being a gentleman offered to pay for and went to John's "house" aka nursing home. The cab driver starting yelling at the hookers that they were going to pay him and they in turn were demanding that I pay them time lost and the fare. Isn't it funny no part of nursing school prepares you for angry hookers asking you to pay up. One of them said I was responsible because he had millions and I control his money. When reasoning got me no place,I called upstairs and had the CNA bring down John's money. I handed some hundred dollar ladies to the cab driver and some to the prostitutes. I told them there was John's money and to get out before I called the police. They did leave, calling me and poor John all kinds of names. I took his arm, the man was close to 90 years old and shaking like leaf, to help him on the elevator. On ride up , he thanked me and told me once I got him home he would pay me for my kindness. :nurse: Some days you just have to laugh or you'll go crazy.

siouxsieyq, BSN, LPN, RN · Feb 11, 2008

Not as funny as a lot of these, but still makes me laugh.

Back from my CNA days, breakfast in the day room, im assisting several patients when in walks the DON and administrator. My absolute favorite patient, this sweet LOL with dementia yells out "quick its the fuzz, hide the paraphanalia"

I have a patient on my unit right now, dementia with delerium, yells all the time, MD doesn't believe in Ativan or Xanax. Most of the time his yelling makes me wanna rip my hair out, but the other night he had me practically rolling on the floor. he starts yelling "Help, Help" pretty normal for him, but he goes on "Help, Hamburger, help. " Keeps going, "Help hamburger, help, onions, HEEEELLLLPPPP, Tomatoes" Got him up in the chair and tried to give him a snack. He looks at me like im crazy and says, "Im not hungry, give it to that guy yelling for a burger"

Jessiedog, RN · Feb 11, 2008

...he starts yelling "Help, Help" pretty normal for him, but he goes on "Help, Hamburger, help. " Keeps going, "Help hamburger, help, onions, HEEEELLLLPPPP,

I know where you're coming from! We placed a very confused demented old gentleman up near the desk on our acute orthopoedic ward, so we could keep an eye on him. His usual yell was "Oi!" He would yell this all day long, for hours on end. Every 3 seconds (and yes, we did time it) his "Oi" would float out of the door. This man was a full feed, and I swear you had to time the mouthfulls in between his "Oi!", or you would wear the food. It was almost involuntary. A polite request to him to be quiet would result in 30 seconds of peace before the verbal ejaculations resumed! It was difficult explaining to the various visitors that came past that the man really was alright, and that we really HAD just been in to check him, no he didn't need the toilet, and yes, he'd just had a drink.

One memorable evening, I was acting up in charge of the ward, as all the more senior nurses had called in sick. Towards the end of the shift there were several of us grouped around the desk trying frantically to write those last-minute notes, and tally the fluid balances. In between all this, supervising two lots of blood transfusion obs, and assisting the new grad to roll the post-op hip patient, my tolerance level was WAY down! One of my younger colleagues noted my rising stress levels, and decided to help. This was the dialogue that ensued:

Old man "Oi...."

nurse "..what's a matter you?"

"Oi....."

"...what ya gonna do?"

"Oi...."

".....oh, shut uppa you face!"

There were four nurses staggering around the desk, wiping tears off their faces as we tried not to fall over ourselves laughing! Of course, just then, the Nursing Supervisor popped in on her regular inspection rounds. The explanations just never did do justice to the situation.....

mahjia · Feb 22, 2008

its 12 noon the other day. im with my senior staff to give our meds. our last patient to entertain on is an old lady w/a dx of HPN and cardio problem. her meds are amlodipine and citicholine. i always explain every procedures and the drugs, of what they are for, to my patients. but that day and that moment i took it for granted. i explained to the lola that amlodipine is for her high blood pressure. and for her citicholine? it is for her ARTHRITIS!!! my senior wasnt able to hear so no one to correct me and only i realized when doin my routine hand washing of what crazy-info i gave..."huh?! isnt it a colchicine? nuh-uh it is citicholine'' :confused:

thats so embarrassing and careless..:sofahider