Share Your Funniest Patient Stories... - page 14

We all have lots of stories to tell. I thought it would be fun if we shared a few of our funniest patient stories with each other. :lol2: Here's mine... I keep remembering a particular... Read More

  1. by   bondoson88
    This happened about 23 years ago when we had to take all of our BP's with a manual cuff , and all our temps with a mercury thermometer and when cataract patients stayed for several days. I was taking the BP of my patient, a little old man about 80 yrs old. He had one eye patched and the other eye looked like a vulture's eye, all red and bugged out with minimal eyelashes. While I was taking his BP he was saying something, I couldn't hear him because I had the stethoscope in my ears. I took the stethoscope out of my ears and said "What?" All of a sudden he grabbed his penis which was fully erect and then shook it at me and asked me in a demanding question "you want some of this?" Of course I was shocked and then I wanted to start laughing but I didn't want to make him feel bad. So I calmly said "Look Mr. Magoghan you're not in here for that." Of which he replied "oh" and that was it. I have to give him some credit because viagra had not been invented yet!Of course the name was changed to protect the innocent!

    Another time I was helping another LVN change his patient. The patient had been there for a while and he was a nice old man but was confused. Well we got done changing him and then something was on TV and all three of us were watching it so there was a moment of silence in the room then all of a sudden this patient looks right at me and says "Remember when me and you's was f---ing" I immediately responded with " I never had sex with you,besides you have a catheter too!" Later on in the shift the other nurse who happened to be a male nurse told me that that patient told him that he thought that me and that male nurse were having sex. That patient must have thought I was someone else and in his confusional state he probably thought I was a hooker he once knew or something like that!

    I had another old man who had a prior CVA with left sided weakness. Anyways he also wore a cheap toupee and it was always on his head crooked so it looked comical. His speech was also sl slurred. I'm in his room and he says to me with that toupee on crooked "I want to have sex with you." I informed him that was not in my job description and that he would have to do it himself. I also didn't want to make him feel bad so I held in my laughter until I got out of that room and then I cracked up!


    I took care of a patient that was over 650 lbs. He was huge and had difficulties with just about all his ADLs. He was in for CHF. He had massive edema and was on a special bed because he would literally break the normal beds. The first time I took care of him he was able to scoot himself up in the bed but then he asks me "I need you to do one more thing for me." I said "OK" He says " OK now put some gloves on" "OK", I replied then he says "I need you to lift my scrotum from underneath me". I said "OK". But I didn't realize until his testicles were revealed after I pulled them out before my eyes appeared 2 cantaloupe-sized gigantic ones! I had never seen anything like that in my life but being a good nurse I just did what I had to do without making a face or gasping. Well he eventually went home and I did take care of him alot and he was a really nice man. He sent me a card in the mail with $35.00 thanking me for taking care of him. I thought that was very nice of him and very thoughtfull. Well my husband's comment as I was showing him the card and the money was "It must have been for all the scrotal adjustments you gave him." I guess that might be part of it!! That's nursing!
  2. by   bjloew
    I was working my normal day shift in the ER. We had just had a few new ER doctors added to our staff. They were not accustomed to our nursing "stress relief humor." This one new doc we were getting used to had a sort of "cocky" attitude. We were a rather small hospital and it almost seemed beneath him at times when we had non-urgent pt's. come through. One day an EMS team brought in a stretcher and told us what they had found on their assessment of the pt. We directed them to an ER bed after triaging the pt. The new ER doctor had just caught a glimpse of this pt's entry as he was finishing up with a discharge summary for another pt. He asked us, "What just rolled in". Well on seeing his seemingly unconcerned attitude we decided to inform him in our little "hick" hospital tone about our pt. assessment. So we told him, "Oh, that's a LOL in NAD who DFO'd at the KFC after attending church today." He just stood there for a moment and after he picked his teeth up off the floor (humbling his cocky manner), he asked what that was. So we told him. That's a Little Old Lady in No Acute Distress who Done Fell Out at the Kentucky Fried Chicken after church today. Sometimes it just seems to soothe the tension, as it did that day. He seemed a little more "mellow" from then on in. Needless to say it added a bit of character to the rest of that day...
    Last edit by bjloew on Sep 9, '05
  3. by   curlyfries
    Just before a new nurse graduate lifted a patient's gown to give an insulin injection, she said to the older gentleman, "there'll be a little prick" The 89 year old man, with a twinkle in his eye, returned, "Oh, so you are a psychic, as well as a nurse!"
  4. by   jaxinbc
    I was working in Labor & Delivery and one of our docs was a jokester. This particular day was his birthday and with the assistance of his office nurse, we decided to pull a joke on him. Fortunately it was a slow day. I set up a delivery room with a disposable cardboard container that I drew a face on and pinned it to the top of the delivery bed. I then put the stirrups up and placed drapes over them. I connected a fetal monitor on which I tapped out a very slow fetal heart rhythm. We pinned the NRP doll to the bottom of the bed. Our neonatologist who was a great guy stood at the side of the bed in scrubs with his stethoscope at the ready. We then called in our birthday doc and told him to come stat for a fetal distress delivery. He came racing in to the foot of the delivery bed and the look of confusion on his face was priceless. We then all called out "Happy Birthday. Gotcha!!!
  5. by   Suzesome
    One night duty on an EMI unit, I encountered a pt - sudden death - in another pts room, he was sat on the chair ( the auxillary had called on me to check on him as "he looked funny"). Protocol is in suddens, you don't touch the body until police/forensics arrive. Well I thought how is the gent who "lives" in this room going to get to bed, and what if the deceased wee wifey wants to view the body to say her final farewells? Myself and 2 other members of staff transferred this gent onto a wheelchair and ran up the corridor into his own room - it was a full moon and all other pts seemed to be high as kites! then I decided to carry out last offices. This gent did not wear dentures and his mouth was slack and wide open, trying to enhance his appearance, I placed a pillow under his chin. Well, when our boys in blue arrived to oversee the remains, I was asked who placed the pillow over the mans face and as far as he (the officer) was concerned, we were going about routinely suffocating our pts! Like I said not funny at the time, not very pc running about a unit with a dead body in a wheelchair, but I laugh about it now, especially when I recall an elderly confused? man shouting "murder!Polis!"
  6. by   kat911
    I worked in a small hospital with an LPN who covered the ED. She helped in the clinic on days off. She told me she had one elderly gentleman in a W/C who was waiting at the clinic to see the doc. She went out to call him and he was asleep in the chair. She let him sleep and called someone else. She did this several times until she finally realized the patient was dead. She took him to the clinic area and then ran him to the ED in the W/C while the Doctor tried doing CPR, in the W/C. He didn't survive! Go figure!
  7. by   Avie
    I work on a Plastics and Reconstructive specialist surgery ward that sees a high proportion of patients with hand injuries as emergency cases.
    Last week a young man with a hand injury was admitted to the ward who was from Eastern Europe and who could not speak English very well. When I was doing the admission paperwork (all nine pages of it..zzzzzzzzz) I noticed that the doctor who had clerked the patient in had written "Beggar" under social history. As the young man had given an address and a GP name I thought this was odd and sent our trusty ward clerk to make inquiries. Turned out the bloke was a BAKER and the doctor had misheard him!
  8. by   DF-LPN
    I work on a lock down alzheimers unit and we have name badges so we can scan in and out. One morning I was giving a resident her meds and she asked me, "Why do you have paper on your shirt?" I pointed to my badge and said, "It's so I can remember my name. I have a bad memory." She looked at me and said, "Don't we all?"

    I knew there was a reason I choose to work alzheimers. If she had been a teenager you know there would have been a "DUHHHHHH!" in there. LOL
  9. by   challenged annie
    I think we have all experienced the funny stories of patients farting just as your trying to wash yheir backs

    got to feel sorry for their embarrassment
  10. by   Sue7573
    speaking of pt's farting. I have always held pride in the fact that I can hold my composure when something like that happens for the sake of the pt. One morning I was changing a really big man, that could not roll himself I was log rolling him and had his brief ready and moved in to make the change as fast as I could (for his comfort) I was leaning in to wash him up in the same motion I was log rolling him which put my face only inches away from his bottom by the time he got on his side. I know that he didn't mean too but he let one rip, and I felt the air on my face and It surprised me, and that particular gust was one of the foulest and before I knew I had said "wheeww oh my lawd, bud". He started laughing and pooting everytime he pooted he laughed harder and on the circle went till the two of us was crying from laughing so hard. He and I both apologized at the same time, and got our composure back. He will still get tickeled when he sees me in the hall or something.

    Sue
  11. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from Sue7573
    speaking of pt's farting. I have always held pride in the fact that I can hold my composure when something like that happens for the sake of the pt. One morning I was changing a really big man, that could not roll himself I was log rolling him and had his brief ready and moved in to make the change as fast as I could (for his comfort) I was leaning in to wash him up in the same motion I was log rolling him which put my face only inches away from his bottom by the time he got on his side. I know that he didn't mean too but he let one rip, and I felt the air on my face and It surprised me, and that particular gust was one of the foulest and before I knew I had said "wheeww oh my lawd, bud". He started laughing and pooting everytime he pooted he laughed harder and on the circle went till the two of us was crying from laughing so hard. He and I both apologized at the same time, and got our composure back. He will still get tickeled when he sees me in the hall or something.

    Sue
    Well, at least you didn't get a brown face; Ya just got blasted by a huge one!
  12. by   TreeSawRN
    When I was an ED nurse we kept an informal translators dictionary of patient terms.
    *These were things we actually had heard patients say
    "Smilin Mighty Jesus"- spinal meningitis
    "phenobasketball" - Phenobarbitol
    "utopic pregnancy"- ectopic pregnancy
    (I don't know about you all but my pregnancies were not what I would call utopic):chuckle
    "flame balls of the euherest"- fibroids of the uterus
    "Latex pill'- oral lasix
    We also learned that "done fell out" translated to fainted/passed out/or had a syncopal episode
    and "vomicking" meant vomiting

    Also I heard a good pun yesterday
    In regards to a leak from the white house:
    "It sounds like your dealing with is a "Staff Infection".
    :hatparty:
  13. by   Teachchildren123

    "I have a babe in my wound" =I have a baby in my womb!
    How about the typical ER story:
    The teen comes in the ER. She a big girl, on the obese size. Difficult to say right away if it is really, you know lipose tissue. But, the doc tells the mother who is wondering why her daugter has this abdominal cramping and panting and crying from the pain.
    You guest it!
    "Oh! Me Lord! My babe is having a babe!" :hatparty:
    "My babe was chosen by the Lord. Never did the THANG, like the Virgin Mary. That's impossible. She goes to church every Sunday..." Carry on the chanting Lady!
    Thanks to my lost friend Mira for the story(I just lost touch with Mira... are you out there?)

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