Funny things patients say !

[TAM]

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any pain. An x-ray revealed a femur facture and the orthopedist was called. It was quite a long wait and I heard the patient call out "nurse come in here". I went to her and she asked me to get her up into her wheelchair, I explained to her that her leg was broken and she needed to stay in bed. She replied very seriously "only one of them is broken I can still scoot around in my chair now get me up out of this bed!"

[Aeterna, BSN, RN]

Also thought of another one! It wasn't more of what the patient said but rather what they did...

I assisted one of my elderly patients to the bathroom so she could have a BM. I tell her that I'll let her sit for a while but as soon as she's done, to please pull the call bell (and I showed her where it was) so I could come and assist her back to bed. She agrees.

I go and complete some other tasks that need doing (isn't there always?). After a while, I think to myself, 'She hasn't rung yet?!' I go and check on her and she's still sitting on the toilet.

She goes, "Oh, I've been waiting and waiting for you! I'm done!"

I ask, "Why didn't you pull the call bell when you were done? I would have been here sooner."

She looks at me, confused. "I did. Like this, right?" She then takes the pull string and swings it so the little knob at the end hits the metal rail on the wall, making a DING! noise.

I almost facepalmed.

[SolaireSolstice, BSN, RN]

After this incident https://allnurses.com/nursing-humor-share/things-patients-have-52823-page150.html#post5020053 , the oncoming nurse and myself went down so I can show her where the IV line had "just come apart" (we knew he had done it on purpose) and she asked him "Why did you do that?" He answered "I guess I just wanted some excitement."

[Five&Two Will Do]

Last night we were changing bed on a confused patient that had pulled off the EUD. We stood him up and my coworker noticed a reddened area on his butt. She wanted to apply coloplast. As she was doing this he looks up at me and says, "Who the heck is back there playin with the crack of my @$$.

[rollerskatingrn]

A patient being discharged wife would not come inside to pick him up. She said she did not want her chocolate to melt in the car!

[JeneraterRN]

When I was training to be an RN, I was cleaning up a suprapubic cath site on a quadrapalegic w/spastic muscle paralysis. He had some arm and leg movement, so apparently I was tickling him during the process. When I asked him to hold still, he told me, "OK, I'll pretend to be a quadrapalegic." Open mouth, insert Italian shoe store.

[ForeverLearner2010]

I work as a CNA in a Geriatric Psych ward, and one night, my male nurse and I were trying to help a rather difficult patient to the bedside commode. Our patient was known to be combative at times, so we were on our guards. As we sat her down, she looked up scathingly at me and said, "you're the devil, girl!" Then, she looked equally scathingly towards my nurse and stated, "You're the devil, too! But you do have nice hair."

We laughed for hours!!!

[Not_A_Hat_Person, RN]

I worked in flu shot clinics last fall. Among other things, we had to ask patients if they were pregnant or nursing. I usually skipped that with male patients, but sometimes I didn't. One man answered "Yes, but don't tell my wife."

[SierraMoon, ADN, BSN, RN]

Heard about this one in report:

A pleasantly confused old lady kept asking the nurse to turn out the kitchen light and a couple of other things, she kept thinking she was at home. The nurse re-orients her, "Mrs. X, you're in the hospital". Patient points to her daughter at the bedside and says, "if I don't believe her, what makes you think I'll believe you?"

[wilsonbl5150]

I came across a 3yr old in the peds clinic, he was getting immunized. He was very talkative and told me "I know the difference between boys and girls... Boys have a member and girls have pajamas"

[No Stars In My Eyes]

JeneratorRN: Don't feel embarassed about what you said to the quad-pt......Myfirst nursing job was at MGH in Boston, on the fresh spinal-cord floor, with the doctor who was pionneering the HALO-frame. One thing I learned on that ward was that alot of the patients developed a really "wicked" ("GOOD"/sharp/profound )sense of humor, similar ro the original M*A*S*H* movie, ie: what might sound appalling to an outsider was massively funny to an insider. I was standing in a four-bed ward room; there were 3 paraplegics and one quadraplegic. Well, they were talking about sex and having a member transplant above their level of injury, so they could feel things again. Everyone was hoo-ha-ing about wearing a cumberbund or an obi-sash, and during a pause in the conversation the quad piped-up and said rather plaintively " But I'll have to wear an ascot for the rest of my life!" After a brief moment of silence while everybody processed that image, we all broke out in howling laughter, screaming-hysterically until tears ran down our faces and our cheeks and stomachs protested by cramping. Of course the retelling doesn't hold the same humor of the moment, but still. And one other thing, a quad I took care of for years used to say he had to be a professional quad and teach caregivers how to take care of him, since all spinal-cord injuries cause different problems and physical responses in each patient. For Christmas I got him a t-shirt with the following written on it: I AM A PROFESSIONAL; PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME; He told me later it was one of the best presents he ever got, and he did wear it ALOT! Another kid (para) used to get a large charge out of wincing and saying "OUCH!" when I was doing anything to his feet, from footcare to just putting on his shoes. Everytime he'd do it, I'd jump and say "ooh!...SORRY! and he'd laugh at me and say "You are ssoooo easy. You do that EVERY TIME, and you KNOW I can't feel a thing!"

[Aeterna, BSN, RN]

JAnother kid (para) used to get a large charge out of wincing and saying "OUCH!" when I was doing anything to his feet, from footcare to just putting on his shoes. Everytime he'd do it, I'd jump and say "ooh!...SORRY! and he'd laugh at me and say "You are ssoooo easy. You do that EVERY TIME, and you KNOW I can't feel a thing!"

I had a patient who used to do this too!

He was a middle-aged man and a paraplegic, and I was literally on my second or third shift as a new grad. I remember I was turning him or doing something with his legs, I can't quite remember, but he screamed out in pain.

Me: OH MY GOD, are you ok?

Patient: Ahh, it hurts!

Nurse (who I was shadowing that day) : *walks in* Oh, don't listen to him. He can't feel anything from the waist down, remember?

Patient: Bah, you always ruin my fun!

Me: I can't believe I fell for that....

[AllieSparksRN]

a patient of mine last night requested milk of magnesia. the look on his face was amusing although he is somewhat of a drama king. he looked at me and said, "don't they make this in a chocolate flavor? yuck!" ahh, nursing....