Funny things patients say ! - page 13

by TAM | 212,218 Views | 307 Comments

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any... Read More


  1. 0
    Quote from AngelicDarkness
    Thank goodness I found this thread tonight because I have the most perfect thing to add to it!

    Pt: *calls nurses* "Hello there, are you there?"
    CN: Yes? Good evening? How may I help you?
    Pt: "Oh I'm just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!"

    I've never laughed so hard after I got off the phone!!! The Patient was 100% with it cognitively too.
    Must have been some pretty powerful eyedrops
  2. 9
    Had a patient today who was just really blunt with everything. Kind of a tell it like it is type of guy. He constantly had something sarcastic to say, but NEVER put a smile on his face.
    I have a super crazy last name that i don't think anyone has ever pronounced correctly....so he looks at my name tag and tries to pronounce it for a couple minutes.
    Pt: "What nationality is that?"
    Me: "It's Polish."
    Pt: "Your polish?" ....long pause...."Polish people are the Mexicans of Germany"

    Not really 'funny' but a pretty bold thing to say to your nurse considering i'm handling your medications. I really had no clue what to say to that one...
    maelstrom143, Dezy, carolmaccas66, and 6 others like this.
  3. 10
    So glad I found this thread!

    While doing my first set of Med surg clinicals, which was my second semester of nursing school, I had a lol who had a lumbar fracture and dementia. I was giving her a bed bath and she thought she was still at the assisted living facility she came from, with her husband next to her getting a bath too. So she is talking away and as I am washing her legs she suddenly says quite loudly, "make sure you do a good job! Nurse, make sure he washes his balls! He needs to wash his balls!" I almost bust out laughing and it was all I could do to say, "ok Mrs. Xyz, I am sure it will be taken care of." She was such a sweet lady and I really did not see that coming lmao
  4. 11
    I had a bedridden little old lady in long term care once that grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye, and said "When the cat's away, the kitten will play".

    She winked, and I gagged.
  5. 8
    We were assisting a vaginal delivery and after a tedious wait, the baby came out. The mother was not wailing at all, unbelievably. When the doctor was stitching the perineum, the mother started to feel the pain. When she can't take the pain anymore, she shouted, " I want a CS, now!" There was a moment of silence, until we can't contain ourselves anymore and laughed to death.
  6. 24
    a couple years back i had a 95 year old lady with a lot of anxiety and confusion who always insisted she was dying. one day we had to take her to get a ct scan. the ct techs and i dressed in our all white isolation gowns and slid her over to a stretcher. all the while the patient is saying "am i dying? are you taking me to glory?" we got her onto the ct machine and as she's going through the circle with those rainbow colored lights flashing she's yelling out "this is not how i imagined gettin to heaven but okay lord do as you will..." and as we loaded her back on to the stretcher she kept saying things like " i guess i'm dead now? that was it right?" later that morning, the lady looked at me and said "i made a decision...i am not gonna die until the machine they take you on gets some padding to it....and then looks up to the ceiling and says ya hear that lord....tell your angels my back is sore!"
  7. 12
    I had a psych patient tell me "Come here sweetheart I wont hurt you, I just want to touch your eyes" I guess more creepy then funny..... the same patient told me she sticks all her PO meds into her vagina because they are too big to swallow
  8. 11
    No Joke my patient asked me this today: "can i pass gas out of my penis?- listen- i think i'm passing gas out my penis- do you hear it?"

    No, i don't hear it....
    Rebekah1882, Leonca, gerbilqueen, and 8 others like this.
  9. 4
    My favourite quote yet!
    Me: Hi ____, how are you?
    Patient z: I'm terrible.
    Me: Oh no. How come?
    Patient z: The beer store refuses to deliver at this hour. I have nothing to get me through the weekend.
    Me: Ohhhhhhhh......well... I'm sure there is a store open tomorrow?
    Patient z: I can't get there. I'm so depressed!

    I had a good laugh after med pour on that one!
  10. 3
    Quote from sunnysandiego
    No Joke my patient asked me this today: "can i pass gas out of my penis?- listen- i think i'm passing gas out my penis- do you hear it?"

    No, i don't hear it....
    Found out a few months ago from a few nurses on my floor that one of the doctors on our unit had a male patient that had c/o of this same thing, except the pt said he could feel it. He told them that yes, a man can in fact toot out of his penis. A few of the nurses didn't believe him so he told them to look it up...it's actually called, for the male, a "quoaf" (don't know if that's the exact spelling but if you know what the females is called, you know what I mean!) I about died laughing! (apparently can happen after foley catheter removal and only lasts briefly)
    maelstrom143, Dezy, and carolmaccas66 like this.


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