Funny quotes from patients - page 3

We have all taken care of patients whose sense of humor has made our day. I'll start this thread off with a story from my days in the ER. We were admitting a very very confused elderly man for... Read More

  1. by   RNtoJD
    Quote from ham22
    :roll that is the funniest thing i've heard in a looooooong time! thanks for the laugh!
    ditto!!
  2. by   DZcarrie
    i had a very elderly man in a wheelchair tell me yesterday:

    "you're a very nice looking lady. You would have to watch out if i was 12 years younger!"

    realizing that it just may be a few years more than that, he corrected himself.

    "12 years...no....more like 20!"


    i'm 23. he's 85.

    :chuckle
  3. by   tshering dema
    well, i dont have anything to say for myself but i loved the jokes you guys told .. let me guess and tell someother day .. i am new in here .love you all
  4. by   HyperRNRachel
    I do not know if this is knee slapping funny but it is definitely cute. I had an 87 y/o male CVA, I was in his room with his nurse giving him meds. He looked at me and asked (kind of hard to understand d/t the stroke, but I made it out o.k.) how old did I think he was? I had read his chart and knew exactly how old he was, but I answered ..."well, I do not know how old you are BUT you look 67". His eyes lite up, and with the biggest smile possible, he says in a very flirtatious way.....I'm 68! I was very impressed that he still had his sense of humor. The other nurse asked him if he was flirting with me...he just smiled.

    Helping a classmate change another patient's diaper, the lady asked us ..."aren't yall tired of me pissing" ? I love when patient have a good sense of humor.
  5. by   LisaG21
    All of these stories are very funny! I loved the one with the eighty year old! That was the best. I recently had a patient do something that was funny now but at the time I was scared for my life lol

    I was making the bed of a patient with end stage aids. Sex and the city was on the tv and one of the girls had said that her husband said that he wanted to have anal sex when she gets home. The two girls were talking about it because she ddin't understand where the subject came up at all of a sudden. All of a sudden the patient stood up and was like "HE WANTS TO PORK YOU GIRL IN THE BLACK DRESS F-ING WAKE UP HE WANTS TO PORK YOU IN YOUR ***! JUST BEND OVER SO HE CAN PORK YOUR ***" well let me remind you he was standing in front of the door and I was on the other side of the room. I almost peed myself but then 3 nurses came running cause they thought he was yelling at me lol it was scary then but now it is funny
  6. by   Sarahstudent
    Here is a funny one:

    When my mother gave birth to me she had an episiotomy. A med student was busy suturing her, after what seemed like an eternity she popped her head up and said "What are you doing? Sewing a dress down there?"

    Morbid don't you think?

    The poor, poor mortified DR! I hope he's still practicing medicine.

    Sarah
  7. by   canoehead
    Quote from LisaG21
    I was making the bed of a patient with end stage aids. Sex and the city was on the tv and one of the girls had said that her husband said that he wanted to have anal sex when she gets home. The two girls were talking about it because she ddin't understand where the subject came up at all of a sudden. All of a sudden the patient stood up and was like "HE WANTS TO PORK YOU GIRL IN THE BLACK DRESS F-ING WAKE UP HE WANTS TO PORK YOU IN YOUR ***! JUST BEND OVER SO HE CAN PORK YOUR ***" well let me remind you he was standing in front of the door and I was on the other side of the room. I almost peed myself but then 3 nurses came running cause they thought he was yelling at me lol it was scary then but now it is funny
    Sometimes you just have to spell it out for people...shesh!
  8. by   Repat
    Here's a couple. An elderly man in the ER for altered LOC. He asks where he is, we tell him, and he says "d..., you fall asleep one place and wake up in another!". That's all he said for two days.

    A patient stood up to pee, and his HR bottomed out. We get him back to bed, start a code, everyone runs in and does the necessary. As things calm down, he looks at me and says "I'm sure you don't want to hear this now, but that was the best p... I've had in years." The ER doc almost fell on the floor laughing.
  9. by   trudlebug
    This happened to a friend of mine while we were in clinicals:

    Pt was admitted to med-surg, but they said he also had suicidal ideations. When she was doing her assessment, of course she asked if he had a plan. His reply was yes, he was telling the nurses he had chest pain so they would give him his nitro. He figured if he took enough, he would blow up!
  10. by   mscsrjhm
    My mother was in pre-op when the Doc was questioning her about allergies. He said "How did you find out you were allergic to formaldehyde?" Mom said "I had a reaction when they kids tried to embalm me".
    I left the room.
  11. by   Stitchie
    I had an elderly post-TURP patient come into the ER for what sounded like a post-op bladder infection, probably from the leg bag and "capacitator" he was wearing.

    Of course it was the catheter he was talking about but the resident doc and I were laughing so hard at his straight-faced explanation of his 'capacitator' that it kept us in stitches all night long.

    We kept picturing the 'Back to the Future' flux capacitators going into this poor guy's bladder, OMG
  12. by   veteranRN
    I was sitting at the nurses station of a LTC over the weekend getting report. A female resident walked up, looked me straight in the eye and said with a nasty tone "I hope you like your nuts" and then turned and walked away. Had me perplexed for a while. Then I found out she was delusional and thought I had stole some peanuts out of her room.
  13. by   longtimecoming
    Quote from Rapheal
    "Would you please stop talking so loud!" From an 80 year old HOH woman without her hearing aides.
    This reminds me of the bipolar/schizoid personality patient on bipap who continually pushed her call light, and even without the mask, talked so fast and slurred that NOBODY could understand her. One night, one of the NACs who is Philipino (but has lived in the US for 25 years and has excellent English) went to help her and she said, "I can't understand you! Speak clearly!"

    Alison - ADN Grad in 128 days :hatparty:

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