A cute joke...Now add yours!! - page 2
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, > "Father, I have a problem. I > have two female parrots, but they only know how to > say one thing." "What do > they say?" the priest inquired. "They... Read More
Feb 5, '03A smile for when you are preparing your tax return.
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just like they did at Enron or WorldCom. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
> > >
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS"
"The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the IRS " ...and about once a year,
> > >they send us a little prick like you."
Feb 5, '03The chicken and the egg are lying in bed together. The chicken has a huge smile on its face and is smoking a cigarette. The egg looks over and says (in a somewhat exasperated tone)..."Well I guess we finally know the answer to that question!"
did ya get it? deb
Feb 6, '03This is for Heather:
Do you know the difference between 365 used prophylactics and a used tire???
The prophylactics signify an excellent year, the tire only a good year.
Feb 7, '03No offense intended to any Native Americans!..............
At a small air terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says "Cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims...yet"
Feb 11, '03> > While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"
> > --------
Feb 14, '03Nude Dummy
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Feb 16, '03A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Feb 16, '03TURKEY SANDWICHES
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they
both brought turkey sandwiches every day.
One day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich. He said, "Hey,
how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?"
She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."
"Why ?"he asked? She pointed to her lap and said,
" Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there."
"Let me see", he said.
"Okay. "and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right you are.
Better not eat any more turkey. He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until
one day he brought peanut butter sandwich. He said to the little girl, "I have
to stop eating turkey. I'm starting to get feathers down there too." She asked
if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said, " Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and