Disabled & Hating it - page 2

(Sorry this is so long-but-it's complicated) It really is true-You don't know what you have, until it's gone. I was an RN (OR) for over 20yrs. Have been disabled for 14yrs. due to multiple... Read More

  1. Visit  VivaLasViejas} profile page
    3
    I am not technically disabled, but I do have a disability. I have a mental health condition that makes it very difficult at times to work and be productive, and I've suffered some pretty serious losses as a consequence. But I'm not in a position where I can afford to go on SSDI, even if I needed to---my husband has cancer and we both need the health insurance my job provides, in addition to my salary. There are no other options, no Plan B. Just work as long as I can and hope I can hold it together long enough to retire.
    icuRNmaggie, cJoeyRN, and Nola009 like this.
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  3. Visit  cJoeyRN} profile page
    0
    Thank yoI've. encouragement. You are so fortunate have a spouse. Af1ter I divorced at 30, I never found anyone. Then, I threw myself into helping one of the people I mentioned. (Don't want to get too specific-though I would love to talk about it-was the BEST part of my life. If you like, I could talk about it in an email, or private post.) I knew I had bad genetics-but, like you,thought I was too young to be as bad as,my Aunt & Mother. And, with so much time to reflect, I have
    realized they DID NOT get this bad as early as I did. Then, I realized-they didn't pound concrete floors for 8, 12, 16-even 21 hours (on one occasion).

    You're right-I am depressed. And have fought that most of my adult life. But-you'd be surprised, or maybe not-at what is said after patients are put to sleep. So, I had to hide that-I thought. Eventually, all that stress makes you even more physically sick. When a sibling started having spinal problems 30 years later than mine started-I felt cheated. And angry. I gave so much-and have been left unaided. Families can be complicated! ;-)

    (Sept.13,2014) Again, thank you! I've been sitting here all day-freaking out because my right foot was colder, and had less feeling than yesterday. I need lumbar spine surgery-but I don't want it. I'm having symptoms above the plate that is at C4-7. And, there's no one left that will take care of me. The only one that would is the one I helped, but died too young. Now, I'm COMPLETELY alone. Family ALWAYS came first--and I adored each and every one of my nieces and nephews. But, for whatever reasons, none of them want to include me in their lives. I THINK I know what was said behind my back. And, though it's--for the majority of what was said--untrue, not a single one of them have asked about MY side of the story! My WONDERFUL Counselor, has (after a few years, and a LOT of work! ) finally convinced me of the REAL truth of the matter. It's THEIR problem, NOT mine.

    And, Esme12, after ALL those long days--when I wasn't even on call--I was thrown aside like trash, too! THAT REALLY hurt. I know you all are right-I need to keep trying. But, I just simply CANNOT anymore. I'm too tired, the pain-physical AND mental-are just unbearable anymore. WHAT is the point? I DO have a lot of people who depend on me--in cyberspace. But, NO ONE in real life. The way I'm existing-because what I have IS NOT a life-I NEVER would have imagined. Can BARELY get the trash out-let alone clean ANYTHING! NO, I'm NOT going to off myself. Promised too many people who depend on me (online), that I will be here for them. But, I DO really want for this to be all done and over with. The meds are barely helping now--I sit here and talk to God all day, pleading for:either some help with things, or to take me to where my parents, Grandmother and sister are. Because, this just gets worse by each passing day. I HAD a good life--great vacations and experiences. But, in the last 4yrs, NOTHING has changed-gotten better, NOTHING like that. I'm just too tired of ALL of this. Unless you have been here, you simply CANNOT imagine what you will put up with. And, it most CERTAINLY isn't anything good.

    Yes, there ARE still things I enjoy. And, on my RARE good days, I do them. And feel guilty because I haven't gotten any cleaning done. I'm hurt, and I'm tired. Tired of banging my head against brick walls looking for assistance. And, YES--YOU DO get told, "You make TOO MUCH MONEY. " I can't qualify for any program that MIGHT help me out of this TRULY horrible place I'm living in, help me do more than: go to Dr. & Dentals
    Last edit by Esme12 on Sep 13, '14 : Reason: formatting
  4. Visit  Esme12} profile page
    4
    Trust me I have those days. The 20 plus pills a day the pain. The treatment from other people. It STINKS...big time. I hate what I have done to my family. I hate that I have to use a wheelchair even if it is electric. I hate the burden I have placed on my family and my children who depended on me.

    I fight everyday to get out of bed. Get dressed. There are days I can't comb my hair. But I still look for the glass to be half full. Suicide is NOT the answer. EVER. Please reach out if you are feeling like you wish to hurt yourself somehow. WE CARE!
    No matter what problems you are dealing with, we want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
  5. Visit  cJoeyRN} profile page
    1
    appts., the pharmacy. Never mind, my stupid "smartphone" takes too long for me to finish.
    Actually,I HAD finished-but I took too long. And, if I'd been permitted to post that-you'd UNDERSTAND that I am NOT suicidal. But, never mind. I found out, yet again, that I "Children should be seen, & not heard." As my Mother always told us. You see, sometimes, there's a reason WHY someone takes longer to do something. I thought that understanding MIGHT be here. Guess I REALLY need to keep my anxiety and depression in check until I can talk to my GREAT Advanced Practice Psych Nurse's appt.'s. I don't think I'll bother any of you, again.
    icuRNmaggie likes this.
  6. Visit  Esme12} profile page
    0
    NO that is in no way what I meant!!! At all! You completely misunderstand!
  7. Visit  Esme12} profile page
    0
    Quote from cJoeyRN
    appts., the pharmacy. Never mind, my stupid "smartphone" takes too long for me to finish.
    Actually,I HAD finished-but I took too long. And, if I'd been permitted to post that-you'd UNDERSTAND that I am NOT suicidal. But, never mind. I found out, yet again, that I "Children should be seen, & not heard." As my Mother always told us. You see, sometimes, there's a reason WHY someone takes longer to do something. I thought that understanding MIGHT be here. Guess I REALLY need to keep my anxiety and depression in check until I can talk to my GREAT Advanced Practice Psych Nurse's appt.'s. I don't think I'll bother any of you, again.
    I am in your position. The meds, the illness, the appointments, the MD's who do NOTHING. I just wanted you to be safe.

    I have days when I am too through with being sick. I have days that I cannot sit up without help. I KNOW where you are. ((HUGS)) I live there.
  8. Visit  duskyjewel} profile page
    2
    cJoeyRN, you're attacking a person who is offering you compassion and understanding. Back off a little, because she's really in a position to get it and sympathize with you.
    LadyFree28 and OrganizedChaos like this.
  9. Visit  Been there,done that} profile page
    0
    Quote from duskyjewel
    cJoeyRN, you're attacking a person who is offering you compassion and understanding. Back off a little, because she's really in a position to get it and sympathize with you.
    cjoeyRN is in an extremely fragile state of mind. Any negative responses are quite dangerous.
    Surprised this thread has not been closed.
  10. Visit  Been there,done that} profile page
    1
    Quote from cJoeyRN
    Thank yoI've. encouragement. You are so fortunate have a spouse. Af1ter I divorced at 30, I never found anyone. Then, I threw myself into helping one of the people I mentioned. (Don't want to get too specific-though I would love to talk about it-was the BEST part of my life. If you like, I could talk about it in an email, or private post.) I knew I had bad genetics-but, like you,thought I was too young to be as bad as,my Aunt & Mother. And, with so much time to reflect, I have
    realized they DID NOT get this bad as early as I did. Then, I realized-they didn't pound concrete floors for 8, 12, 16-even 21 hours (on one occasion).

    You're right-I am depressed. And have fought that most of my adult life. But-you'd be surprised, or maybe not-at what is said after patients are put to sleep. So, I had to hide that-I thought. Eventually, all that stress makes you even more physically sick. When a sibling started having spinal problems 30 years later than mine started-I felt cheated. And angry. I gave so much-and have been left unaided. Families can be complicated! ;-)

    (Sept.13,2014) Again, thank you! I've been sitting here all day-freaking out because my right foot was colder, and had less feeling than yesterday. I need lumbar spine surgery-but I don't want it. I'm having symptoms above the plate that is at C4-7. And, there's no one left that will take care of me. The only one that would is the one I helped, but died too young. Now, I'm COMPLETELY alone. Family ALWAYS came first--and I adored each and every one of my nieces and nephews. But, for whatever reasons, none of them want to include me in their lives. I THINK I know what was said behind my back. And, though it's--for the majority of what was said--untrue, not a single one of them have asked about MY side of the story! My WONDERFUL Counselor, has (after a few years, and a LOT of work! ) finally convinced me of the REAL truth of the matter. It's THEIR problem, NOT mine.

    And, Esme12, after ALL those long days--when I wasn't even on call--I was thrown aside like trash, too! THAT REALLY hurt. I know you all are right-I need to keep trying. But, I just simply CANNOT anymore. I'm too tired, the pain-physical AND mental-are just unbearable anymore. WHAT is the point? I DO have a lot of people who depend on me--in cyberspace. But, NO ONE in real life. The way I'm existing-because what I have IS NOT a life-I NEVER would have imagined. Can BARELY get the trash out-let alone clean ANYTHING! NO, I'm NOT going to off myself. Promised too many people who depend on me (online), that I will be here for them. But, I DO really want for this to be all done and over with. The meds are barely helping now--I sit here and talk to God all day, pleading for:either some help with things, or to take me to where my parents, Grandmother and sister are. Because, this just gets worse by each passing day. I HAD a good life--great vacations and experiences. But, in the last 4yrs, NOTHING has changed-gotten better, NOTHING like that. I'm just too tired of ALL of this. Unless you have been here, you simply CANNOT imagine what you will put up with. And, it most CERTAINLY isn't anything good.

    Yes, there ARE still things I enjoy. And, on my RARE good days, I do them. And feel guilty because I haven't gotten any cleaning done. I'm hurt, and I'm tired. Tired of banging my head against brick walls looking for assistance. And, YES--YOU DO get told, "You make TOO MUCH MONEY. " I can't qualify for any program that MIGHT help me out of this TRULY horrible place I'm living in, help me do more than: go to Dr. & Dentals
    I've been there ,done that. I promise you... There are some other options.
    Even if we are only here in cyberspace... we ARE still here... and can feel your pain.

    Please see my Private message.
    jadelpn likes this.


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