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cJoeyRN

cJoeyRN

Cardiac, OR
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cJoeyRN's Latest Activity

  1. cJoeyRN

    Disabled & Hating it

    appts., the pharmacy. Never mind, my stupid "smartphone" takes too long for me to finish. Actually,I HAD finished-but I took too long. And, if I'd been permitted to post that-you'd UNDERSTAND that I am NOT suicidal. But, never mind. I found out, yet again, that I "Children should be seen, & not heard." As my Mother always told us. You see, sometimes, there's a reason WHY someone takes longer to do something. I thought that understanding MIGHT be here. Guess I REALLY need to keep my anxiety and depression in check until I can talk to my GREAT Advanced Practice Psych Nurse's appt.'s. I don't think I'll bother any of you, again.
  2. cJoeyRN

    Disabled & Hating it

    Thank yoI've. encouragement. You are so fortunate have a spouse. Af1ter I divorced at 30, I never found anyone. Then, I threw myself into helping one of the people I mentioned. (Don't want to get too specific-though I would love to talk about it-was the BEST part of my life. If you like, I could talk about it in an email, or private post.) I knew I had bad genetics-but, like you,thought I was too young to be as bad as,my Aunt & Mother. And, with so much time to reflect, I have realized they DID NOT get this bad as early as I did. Then, I realized-they didn't pound concrete floors for 8, 12, 16-even 21 hours (on one occasion). You're right-I am depressed. And have fought that most of my adult life. But-you'd be surprised, or maybe not-at what is said after patients are put to sleep. So, I had to hide that-I thought. Eventually, all that stress makes you even more physically sick. When a sibling started having spinal problems 30 years later than mine started-I felt cheated. And angry. I gave so much-and have been left unaided. Families can be complicated! ;-) (Sept.13,2014) Again, thank you! I've been sitting here all day-freaking out because my right foot was colder, and had less feeling than yesterday. I need lumbar spine surgery-but I don't want it. I'm having symptoms above the plate that is at C4-7. And, there's no one left that will take care of me. The only one that would is the one I helped, but died too young. Now, I'm COMPLETELY alone. Family ALWAYS came first--and I adored each and every one of my nieces and nephews. But, for whatever reasons, none of them want to include me in their lives. I THINK I know what was said behind my back. And, though it's--for the majority of what was said--untrue, not a single one of them have asked about MY side of the story! My WONDERFUL Counselor, has (after a few years, and a LOT of work! ) finally convinced me of the REAL truth of the matter. It's THEIR problem, NOT mine. And, Esme12, after ALL those long days--when I wasn't even on call--I was thrown aside like trash, too! THAT REALLY hurt. I know you all are right-I need to keep trying. But, I just simply CANNOT anymore. I'm too tired, the pain-physical AND mental-are just unbearable anymore. WHAT is the point? I DO have a lot of people who depend on me--in cyberspace. But, NO ONE in real life. The way I'm existing-because what I have IS NOT a life-I NEVER would have imagined. Can BARELY get the trash out-let alone clean ANYTHING! NO, I'm NOT going to off myself. Promised too many people who depend on me (online), that I will be here for them. But, I DO really want for this to be all done and over with. The meds are barely helping now--I sit here and talk to God all day, pleading for:either some help with things, or to take me to where my parents, Grandmother and sister are. Because, this just gets worse by each passing day. I HAD a good life--great vacations and experiences. But, in the last 4yrs, NOTHING has changed-gotten better, NOTHING like that. I'm just too tired of ALL of this. Unless you have been here, you simply CANNOT imagine what you will put up with. And, it most CERTAINLY isn't anything good. Yes, there ARE still things I enjoy. And, on my RARE good days, I do them. And feel guilty because I haven't gotten any cleaning done. I'm hurt, and I'm tired. Tired of banging my head against brick walls looking for assistance. And, YES--YOU DO get told, "You make TOO MUCH MONEY. " I can't qualify for any program that MIGHT help me out of this TRULY horrible place I'm living in, help me do more than: go to Dr. & Dentals
  3. cJoeyRN

    A Nurse's Choice

    AND-PLEASE: Make sure you continue to follow up with checking on that little "protrusion" in your neck. From-a 14 year breast cancer survivor.
  4. cJoeyRN

    A Nurse's Choice

    Thanks for a smile on an otherwise, VERY down day! You write beautifully-mayhap your next career???
  5. cJoeyRN

    Disabled & Hating it

    (Sorry this is so long-but-it's complicated) It really is true-You don't know what you have, until it's gone. I was an RN (OR) for over 20yrs. Have been disabled for 14yrs. due to multiple degenerative diseases-(of course) the major one-spinal diseases. I hurt my neck the first time, when I was still in Nursing School-an excellent diploma school. I WANT to work. The first few years of my disability-I scoured the ads for something I could do. I simply couldn't figure out what I would do the rest of my life! Sit around & wait to die?! Fortunately the first 5-6 years, I had two very special people in my life, who were in need of a little help. I was still capable of giving them the company they needed, run errands for them-I felt useful. They've both been gone for several years-leaving me to struggle alone. Wasn't good at making friends-my family were my friends. But, they're busy with their families now. As my conditions deteriorate I need help (SSDI doesn't go far enough-especially when you "make too much money."), because I fall through the cracks. I simply don't know what to do, or where to turn anymore. You NEVER think this will happen to you. I didn't plan for anything like this-or, for that matter, for the long term-very well at all. I've been trying to do online surveys to make enough money for all my bills-but they don't pay the way they did back in 1999, when I got my first computer. My Psychiatric NP said she found some sites that pay $25 and up, for their surveys. But, I've yet to find anything like that. I really don't know what else to do. I feel so very lost...and alone. Thanks for giving me a place to tell my story. If this helps even ONE person to: stop, think, and prepare from the very first days you begin your career-for the worst possible scenario-I will feel I have STILL been of some use.
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