Thank yoI've. encouragement. You are so fortunate have a spouse. Af1ter I divorced at 30, I never found anyone. Then, I threw myself into helping one of the people I mentioned. (Don't want to get too specific-though I would love to talk about it-was the BEST part of my life. If you like, I could talk about it in an email, or private post.) I knew I had bad genetics-but, like you,thought I was too young to be as bad as,my Aunt & Mother. And, with so much time to reflect, I have
realized they DID NOT get this bad as early as I did. Then, I realized-they didn't pound concrete floors for 8, 12, 16-even 21 hours (on one occasion).
You're right-I am depressed. And have fought that most of my adult life. But-you'd be surprised, or maybe not-at what is said after patients are put to sleep. So, I had to hide that-I thought. Eventually, all that stress makes you even more physically sick. When a sibling started having spinal problems 30 years later than mine started-I felt cheated. And angry. I gave so much-and have been left unaided. Families can be complicated! ;-)
(Sept.13,2014) Again, thank you! I've been sitting here all day-freaking out because my right foot was colder, and had less feeling than yesterday. I need lumbar spine surgery-but I don't want it. I'm having symptoms above the plate that is at C4-7. And, there's no one left that will take care of me. The only one that would is the one I helped, but died too young. Now, I'm COMPLETELY alone. Family ALWAYS came first--and I adored each and every one of my nieces and nephews. But, for whatever reasons, none of them want to include me in their lives. I THINK I know what was said behind my back. And, though it's--for the majority of what was said--untrue, not a single one of them have asked about MY side of the story! My WONDERFUL Counselor, has (after a few years, and a LOT of work! ) finally convinced me of the REAL truth of the matter. It's THEIR problem, NOT mine.
And, Esme12, after ALL those long days--when I wasn't even on call--I was thrown aside like trash, too! THAT REALLY hurt. I know you all are right-I need to keep trying. But, I just simply CANNOT anymore. I'm too tired, the pain-physical AND mental-are just unbearable anymore. WHAT is the point? I DO have a lot of people who depend on me--in cyberspace. But, NO ONE in real life. The way I'm existing-because what I have IS NOT a life-I NEVER would have imagined. Can BARELY get the trash out-let alone clean ANYTHING! NO, I'm NOT going to off myself. Promised too many people who depend on me (online), that I will be here for them. But, I DO really want for this to be all done and over with. The meds are barely helping now--I sit here and talk to God all day, pleading for:either some help with things, or to take me to where my parents, Grandmother and sister are. Because, this just gets worse by each passing day. I HAD a good life--great vacations and experiences. But, in the last 4yrs, NOTHING has changed-gotten better, NOTHING like that. I'm just too tired of ALL of this. Unless you have been here, you simply CANNOT imagine what you will put up with. And, it most CERTAINLY isn't anything good.
Yes, there ARE still things I enjoy. And, on my RARE good days, I do them. And feel guilty because I haven't gotten any cleaning done. I'm hurt, and I'm tired. Tired of banging my head against brick walls looking for assistance. And, YES--YOU DO get told, "You make TOO MUCH MONEY. " I can't qualify for any program that MIGHT help me out of this TRULY horrible place I'm living in, help me do more than: go to Dr. & Dentals