I made a huge mistake and ruined my life.. long, sorry

[ShelleyERgirl, LPN]

Hello all. I have posted on this board many times over the years and it always amazes me just how supportive everyone is so here goes....

I have been working on my RN degree for awhile now. I had to drop out a few years ago due to some family health issues. My mother has since recovered but my father passed away 2/05 from several pulmonary related issues. He was in hospice and went peacefully. My mother did not take it so well and had a nervous breakdown about a week after Dad passed away. She has several health problems and is on numerous meds, some of which are pain meds. After getting Mom straightened out, I found a job in a family practice office as a medical assistant which I loved. My Mom was in and out of mental stablity for a long time and is still after almost four years not completely over the death of my father. To make a long story short one day she called me crying and screaming about her pain levels and she couldn't take it anymore, could I please just kill her? After DAYS (and nights) of this, I couldn't take it any more so I made the biggest mistake of my life and I phoned in a bogus rx of vicodin for her using one the doctors that I worked for. It has been several years and I am still SO deeply ashamed just typing these words. I did it twice. Of course my Mom never questioned where I got the pills, she just took them. Deeply ashamed I quit that job before they found out what I had done but when I applied for another job they called there for a reference and but that time they had calls from the pharmacy and the local police. Obviously I did not get that job. I then applied for a job for a local cardiology office which I got and I was so happy and relieved but about three weeks after I started there, I had the Sheriff come to my home and arrest me for drug felony charges. I should note that after the one place had called the original office where I had worked and found out about what I had done, I went straight to the police department of the town where the pharmacy was and told them everything before I was even officially charged. I should also tell you I have NEVER been in trouble before for anything except maybe a speeding ticket. Anyway, the cardiology office never found out about the drug charges because when I applied, I hadn't been charged with anything.

Unfortunately, another practice bought the practice that I worked for and started the whole job application process including background checks. Guess what they found? I should also say that when I found out they were doing that, I went straight to my office manager and told her what I did three years earlier. SHe was suprisingly understanding and said don't worry about, we know your record with us (always got good evals) it will be okay. It wasn't. I lost my job three weeks ago and I don't know how I will ever found another one. I have applied EVERYWHERE, Walmart, Taco Bell, Dollar Store, etc. No one will hire an convicted felon and I can't get it expunged for at least another year. Not to mention EVER getting my nursing degree. How could I have done this to my life? What am I going to do? My life is over. All I know how to do is this.

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

Your life is not over. There are people dying all over the world in war torn countries. So you messed up. But don't say your life is over. IT IS NOT! You're here right? You have the guts to type this message here and you have not been in trouble for a long time!

You can't give up on finding a job. You have to go EVERYWHERE. Keep trying. Also, it is not the end of you and nursing. YOu can still write to the board and maybe they will let you go through the peer assistance program in your state once you become a nurse. All they can tell you is 'no', so just write and see what happens.

Nursing is not the only profession out there. Medical work is not the only thing you can do. Are you good at computer work? Look into your local community college and see what kind of certificate programs they offer. HEY, even welders make awesome money. Women can be welders too! And sometimes colleges give money to women for school if they're going into a predominatly male career like welding or deisel mechanics or truck driving. I know for a fact that trucking companies hire truck drivers with felonies on their record.

Keep your life straight and work hard to find a new career, things will get better, they always do when you try hard.

[ShelleyERgirl, LPN]

Your life is not over. There are people dying all over the world in war torn countries. So you messed up. But don't say your life is over. IT IS NOT! You're here right? You have the guts to type this message here and you have not been in trouble for a long time!

You can't give up on finding a job. You have to go EVERYWHERE. Keep trying. Also, it is not the end of you and nursing. YOu can still write to the board and maybe they will let you go through the peer assistance program in your state once you become a nurse. All they can tell you is 'no', so just write and see what happens.

Nursing is not the only profession out there. Medical work is not the only thing you can do. Are you good at computer work? Look into your local community college and see what kind of certificate programs they offer. HEY, even welders make awesome money. Women can be welders too! And sometimes colleges give money to women for school if they're going into a predominatly male career like welding or deisel mechanics or truck driving. I know for a fact that trucking companies hire truck drivers with felonies on their record.

Keep your life straight and work hard to find a new career, things will get better, they always do when you try hard.

Thanks, EastTexas, I hear what you are saying. My best friend even said the same thing, that maybe this was an opportunity for me to figure out what I really want to do with my life and that maybe healthcare was just a habit since that is all I ever done. I don't necessarily believe that but maybe there is something else out there and this was just God's way of kicking me in the butt to find it.

[Grace Oz]

Trust me darlin' by the time you reach my age, .... this will all be but a memory! ((((hugs))))

You are young, you still have life and a life to live!

Stop feeding yourself negative thoughts.

I'm not in anyway condoning your actions, however, ALL people make mistakes! ALL! Some bigger than others. It's from those mistakes we grow and learn.

You did what you did from a place of love and care for your mother, and while it was wrong ... in the big picture of things in this life journey, it's minor comapred to what others have done and continue to do.

FORGIVE yourself! LOVE yourself! BELIEVE in yourself! DON'T ever give up! ..... and, most importantly, talk to your God! Regularly!

Always, but ALWAYS remember .... when one door closes, somewhere a window opens! ALWAYS! Be alert to and look for the openings.

I wish you a future filled with peace and happiness and the success which I'm sure will be yours.

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

Oh, my, that is grim. But it will pass, and be expunged, and you can start fresh.

I'm sorry for the things you've been going through recently. Trust me, this will pass and you will heal.

{{{navynurse29}}}

[FireStarterRN, BSN, RN]

I hope you can get counseling, it sounds like you have some family issues that contributed to this lapse in judgement. No, your life isn't over! Good luck, I hope things start getting better, don't despair. If you need support, come here, we're here for you!

[HM2VikingRN, RN]

Don't give up. Your journey to recovery of your self esteem started with your decision to be honest about your mistakes.....best of luck...

[PICURN74, ASN, RN]

You made a mistake and you admitted it now you need to forgive yourself for it. It will be something that is with you for quite some time but doesn't have to mean the end of your career let alone your life. While every situation is different, I work in substance abuse where I see people who make mistakes time and time again and eventually put their life back together. We even have some recovering addicts who work in patient care. It will be a long road but stick to it, get thick skin and keep trying and you will be the one who determines your future. Hang in there.

[ShelleyERgirl, LPN]

Thanks so much for all the replies, I appreciate them more than you know.:redbeathe I definitely have issues with my Mom. (duh). If you looked up the definition of codependent, you would probably see my big goofy face! I know things are going to be okay, just scary. I am not sure what to do but I will figure something out. I always do. This board has been a tremendous comfort to me over the years and I thank God for it. Thanks again.

Michelle