This is a vent...so, I am such a little health nut (most of the time, but have been eating and drinking stuff lately that can pack on the pounds), so I order salads a lot. Well, I have been avoiding vinaigrette because of possible alcohol content. I thought honey mustard was a safe bet. Well, Chick-Fil-A's honey mustard has white wine vinegar in it. I did not use it, but then I thought back to my salad at the Cracker Barrel and the honey mustard on it. I am scared now because the next day I had a drug test and now, I am afraid I will test positive because of possible alcohol containing ingredients that I didn't know about. I am tired of being afraid and trying so hard in this program.
And then, there's the Board order. It is now online. I don't expand upon what I have mental illness wise, but now it's out there for everyone to see. A part of me died when I saw it online (I felt like I had been "outed"). I have to admit, for a split second, I thought about turning in my license and asking them to take the order down, just so my diagnoses are not out there.
I am looking for a part time job and I found a couple I am going to apply for that I am qualified for. I thought about it. If I can get one or both of those jobs and keep the jobs I already have...I am tempted to relinquish my license. I hate admitting that. I love having my nursing license, but I want acceptance. And unfortunately, health care providers don't have that.
I want a career field that I can be happy in and that people (including my co-workers and peers) accept me in.
I feel awful because I love people and truly wanted to help them. I also wanted a specialty that makes less than your average nurse. Nursing, for me, was not a money making job. I just loved people, wanted a career that would challenge me and that I would never stop learning in, and wanted to change the community for the better.
It is the moments like this that I tell God "if You want me to be a nurse, You will have to get me through this because I am about to give up".