What She Couldn't Tell You - page 4
We've all met this type of mom before. It's 2330, her 8 year old daughter is struggling to breathe, and you know for a fact you saw them two weeks ago for the same thing. You also know for a fact you... Read More
Dec 25, '13You know what's really sad, is when the abuser knows how to manipulate even the police to make them believe they were the one abused not the victim.
Dec 25, '13Thank you so much for posting this. While I have never been in a DV relationship I am sure that the mother was beaten down so badly that she actually believed everything the abuser said. I just finished my first quarter of Nursing School but I will definitely remember this story as I treat patients when I become an RN. God bless you and your family.
Dec 25, '13You can share it ... on the right side of the page are Icons for Facebook, Pinterest, and more. The Orange Plus sign gives you the option to email it to someone.
Dec 25, '13A MUST for all healthcare workers! A very moving piece, especially coming from someone who is still in training....
Dec 26, '13SoldierNurse22, that is EXACTLY what I have been thinking on reading these posts.
SionainnRN and canigraduate make very logical and accurate comments. I fail to understand why everyone thinks just because we feel that way, we have never been in DV situations. I was in 2 and agree whole-heartedly with these observations. WE are responsible for our children and need to stand up for them as well as ourselves.
NO ONE can make us a victim if we don't allow them to.
Dec 26, '13Very powerful and humbling. It brings back many painful memories of when I was that mother many years ago. Nurses - doctors - caregivers....please remember that there is almost always a backstory - and your gifts, straight from Heaven, should not preclude you to not only seeing with a technical eye - but with a human heart as well. I am a new nursing student at the young age of 45, was a police officer for 15 years, and prior to that - crossed the bridge from being a victim to a survivor of horrendous domestic abuse along with my then 2-y/o daughter. Trust me when I say, the pain fades, but the memories do not - and I still distinctly remember the treatment by nurses and doctors that was less-than-professional when they were my last resort. Bless you/us all - that we remind ourselves the reason we became caregivers.
Dec 26, '13Very good reminder to not be judgmental, since we so often do not know the whole story.
Now, the question is, what should we be doing in addition to the physical care for the child? We need to let these adults who accompany the frequent flyers know that there is help for people like Mom, who feel trapped.
This can be done in the form of putting literature in the exam room about shelters for victims of domestic violence/abuse; shelters that will help a woman literally escape their captivity by coming to get them and hiding them. We can find ways to have them make the call right from their exam room. In a case where the abuser is not inside with them, it should be fairly easy to help the victim make the initial call.
I guess we could always report this mother to Social Services. Personally, I don't think that's a great approach, as it right away can lead to the child(ren) being taken away, which is maybe even worse for all concerned. I know we are mandated reporters, so we might be required to report if we do suspect abuse.
We can pray for the abuser to somehow become out of the picture, too - by jail, by some other thug killing or disabling him, by him just moving on, or even finding God, AA, and other help for his problems that make him the way he is. Praise God for vasectomies - guys like this sure need them.
Yes, this is a good reminder to not judge, also to not feel guilty. So many FF's we might ask about their FF'ing might not be ready to share. So we should just do what we can, including making Mom understand that we know there is a very good reason that she hasn't been able to keep the appointment and shows up in the ER again. We can befriend her, in other words.
Just another thought - I know of a pediatrician who will not order home nebs. Every time his patients need them, they're in the ER or his office. Maybe he had a bad experience? Maybe it 's the money? Maybe he wants to keep up with his patients? Don't know.
Dec 26, '13Quote from CountryMommaI hope you share this at your school of Nursing/place of employment. Your article is the foundation for educating students (nursing, medical, physical therapy, dental students, high school and college students, and any other type of student) and for educating providers, like ER nurses, ER doctors, all nurses and all doctors who might come into contact with DV victims, and anyone else in any category of worker who might also have interaction with DV patients.I'd like to thank everyone for their responses. Yes, even the responses that might not have agreed with my point of view, because with that input we were able to achieve what I had hoped - an open dialogue about domestic violence and nursing's responsibility.
I'd like to say one thing to the few that disapproved of the mother. While I am so glad that you have never had the horrible fortune of being in a "relationship" like this, nor have you been intimately exposed to one, I am saddened that you are unwilling or incapable of sympathy and withholding judgment. The nurse in the story may perhaps be your mirror image.
To know that some have read this story and were deeply moved or driven to change their nursing practices makes me profoundly grateful.
That woman was my mother.
I want you to create a new wave of educated and informed health care workers. As someone else mentioned, we sometimes ask, in front of the abuser, if there's any abuse in the patient's/parent's life. We know that no victim is going to say yes at that point.
I plan to take your article to my ER friends and to our Nurse Educator/Staff Developer, to my church, to my family, and to my grocery store and put it on their bulletin board. Your article is going to saturate my town, girl. You have done a huge service with your article.
Please tell us more about your Mama. I hope her life improved and that you and she are thriving. What about the abuser? I apologize if I am being nosy or inappropriate. I'm just so glad you made it this far.
For those who have no sympathy for the abused, maybe you need to experience it in order to understand?
Dec 26, '13You know nothing of my life and my experiences. Aren't you being as horribly judge mental as the nurse in the article you praise so highly?Last edit by Esme12 on Dec 27, '13
Dec 26, '13I grew up in a home where my Mother's BF beat her on a daily basis. He also nearly killed her several times in front of me. I called the cops so many times as a child, but she would never follow through with charges or there wasn't enough evidence for them to do anything. Restraining orders were filed (which are a joke). He was not only physically and mentally abusing her, but myself as well. And anyone who thinks that just because the abuser doesn't hit their children their children are safe are so wrong. The anger and resentment I have toward men is abundant. I am happily married, but am not an easy woman to be married to. I have a hard time trusting and relying on my husband. So yes I do feel sympathy for that Mother. But as a Mother I can say I will NEVER allow my child to live in that situation. I pass no judgement for those who choose to stay until there is children involved.
Dec 26, '13If you were a nurse in Canada than you just wrote a complete post about your professional negligence. At any time domestic violence is suspected and a child is involved, it is the MDs, RNs, NPs, RPNs and/or LPNs DUTY to report this to child services and authorities. Failure to do so can result in a loss of license. And I may be missing something because everyone seems to see things for your perspective but all I am seeing from this post is a nurse judging a woman she knows absolutely nothing about. You do not know her circumstances or the context that this is happening in. Maybe she has no one else? Maybe she has no money? Maybe she has to make the decision to stay and risk being beaten or live on the street with her child, unable to feed him/her? I am slightly disturbed by the amount of judgement and hatred I feel when reading this towards a woman that already experiences so much hate. How about instead of hating and judging, you do what a nurse is suppose to and empathize and try to view things from her point of view.
Dec 26, '13Quote from steven007The OP posted a bit further back in this thread that the little girl in the story was her, and the woman was her mother.If you were a nurse in Canada than you just wrote a complete post about your professional negligence. At any time domestic violence is suspected and a child is involved, it is the MDs, RNs, NPs, RPNs and/or LPNs DUTY to report this to child services and authorities. Failure to do so can result in a loss of license. And I may be missing something because everyone seems to see things for your perspective but all I am seeing from this post is a nurse judging a woman she knows absolutely nothing about. You do not know her circumstances or the context that this is happening in. Maybe she has no one else? Maybe she has no money? Maybe she has to make the decision to stay and risk being beaten or live on the street with her child, unable to feed him/her? I am slightly disturbed by the amount of judgement and hatred I feel when reading this towards a woman that already experiences so much hate. How about instead of hating and judging, you do what a nurse is suppose to and empathize and try to view things from her point of view.
However, the point is well taken that we must all be careful about making judgments, and we must report known or suspected abuse as required in the jurisdiction in which we practice.
Dec 26, '13Quote from nurse.lisa1968^THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!From someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I pray to God that you are never in one, and have no one to give you emotional support. I used to say the same thing until I was there myself. Now, I see how easily a manipulative person can work anyone, strong or weak. Remember, it could happen to you. No matter what you say. I had all the family and financial support in the world. An abuser learns how to shut you off from that. And as far as the felony part, you can't line up services until you are gone from the situation, and not everyone has the finances to leave and wait for the services to kick in. And there aren't shelters in every area. And trust me, not all shelters are safe, if they do exist......It's easy to say "just leave", but 20 years later, I still 'hide' from him.......
I have been very candid in posts about my survival from DV. Some aspects of society have VERY high incidents of DV in addition to poverty.
Instead of showing distain to anyone; best to remain objective, ask questions and provide support; sometimes WE, as nurses, are the ONLY support system to our pt population...no matter what their "behavior" may appear...the elephant in the room may be ABUSE...and trust and BELIEVE, I wouldn't wish what I had endured on anyone...violence, especially domestic violence is one of those "diseases" that is incurable; the side effects are damaging; I have PTSD from the survival; I battle having PTSD as hard as I endured escaping from mental, physical, and sexual abuse, and eventually, gun violence from leaving.
Every day is a battlefield; I worked hard to return to this business. It will be six years January 29th-an anniversary that I cannot and will not forget-It has made me stronger, yet bittersweet.
One mentor of mine told me, situations such as the OP and many of us who KNOW DV and such hardships make better nurses; we share so the collective YOU won't have to endure.
I share my story in my community; I will not stop until people UNDERSTAND and approach not with hostility
I am fortunate that domestic violence was covered heavily in my nursing program; from elder abuse, child abuse and DV; how to screen appropriately and the resources needs; and how to handle debriefing...being the light for people to come out and let one know can be very taxing as well.
Very powerful OP in sharing your story.Last edit by LadyFree28 on Dec 26, '13