Things you'd LOVE to say to patients...and get away with it, version 2.0.

Nurses Relations

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Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.

Can we go again?

So far this week...

1) "No ma'am, we didn't dismiss you because you had a broken rib and a punctured lung. No, Angelfire didn't talk to your friend on the phone and tell her you could 'just come on in'. No, we didn't 'slam the phone down when you tried to talk'. Three lies, you're out."

2) "Tell your lawyer to subpoena away. They got the records they requested. Sorry that what was on those records was enough to make them decide they didn't want to deal with you anymore." My favorite bluff, lawyers don't scare me.

3) "No, having your sister call and plead your case will not make us reconsider dismissing you. Nor will having the other sister do the same. Yes, taking your sister's medicine was a mistake. That mistake lost your your doctor, unfortunately.

4) "No, we're not taking new patients. No, the waiting list is closed. No, I don't know when, or even if, it will be open again. What're you gonna do? Hmmm, maybe call around? We aren't the only doc in town, dear.

And finally,

5) "You're lucky Doc likes you. If he didn't, you'd have been gone long ago. The rest of us can't stand you." These are usually the ones that call or come in several times a week, want everything yesterday, and are generally just a pain in the bum.

OK, y'all take off!

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Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.

"No, you can't see Doc today. You saw him last time and he said if you ever came in again with a list of maladies and complaints, that he wanted nothing to do with you. You're entitled, you're whiny, and you're demanding as all heck. If half of what you claim was really wrong with you, you'd be dead."

What I said was,

"No, ma'am, if you're not on his schedule, it won't happen today."

This woman literally always comes in with a notebook full of "things to discuss". Yet she refuses any testing, right down to a UA. Doc's sick of dealing with her.

In a way, I almost feel sorry for her, and probably would if she wasn't such a colossal pain.

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Specializes in long term care, alzheimer's, ltc rehab.

I went through this a couple months ago as a unit secretary.

"You need to tell your 26 family members that squeeze in your small cramped ICU room 24-7 to knock off their crap." Also, please please PLEASE for the love of GOD do not let that poor 9 month old child crawl around on this filthy floor! The poor thing doesnt have much of an immune system right now and god knows WHAT she can catch!"

Background: This woman's gajillion family members that it was okay to go out to the ICU waiting room and fight over the TV loud enough for the whole 2nd floor to hear. Also, they let their kidsgo down to the basement unsupervised doing whatever the hell they want. I very nearly got ran down in the hallway by one because he wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to where he was going. *smdh*

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Specializes in Clinical Research, Outpt Women's Health.

Oh man. makes me glad to be at a university. LOL.:roflmao:

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Not my job to get you a ride, actually. I'm a nurse, not your mommy.

So, your baby dropped your percocets in the toilet, again? Or were they stolen this time? Sorry bro.

Your chest/back/neck/abdominal pain is a 10 but you're laughing and joking and eating? Not buying it.

No, I won't "squeeze you in" for a cold.

No, I can't change the price of your meds. They cost what they cost and nothing I do will change that. There is nothing cheaper. Suck it up. You have 3 cell phones and a pack of newports in your pocket and I think you can afford your pills.

Actually, generic won't kill you, same drug as the brand.

Your yeast infection ain't an emergency. Get some monistat and get out of my face.

Stop calling about forms. I hate home health agencies!!! I'm busy and you are the LOWEST priority.

No, your forms will be filled out in 2 weeks or less, NOT right now.

No, we won't sign off on your physical when you have a positive PPD and non-immune to every disease titers and won't get a cxr and walked out halfway through your appointment.

No, you're pregnant and you NEED an ultrasound and an exam and you have STDs and you're just 17, so please stop whining and get undressed.

You'll be seen when you're seen, someone is before you and we all have to wait, shut your door and shut your mouth!

NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY SAMPLES! By the way, don't tell me you're coming to "pick up your refill on samples" we sent them to the pharmacy, cheap-o..... don't even think about showing up here!

Your referral was ordered yesterday. Stop calling. It's dermatology. Let me finish these nephrology, hematology, oncology and high risk OB referrals first, you self-important jerk

If the patient is asking for viagra or narcotics- the answer is NO.

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These are making me smile :)

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Yes, I would love to spend my shift getting you tea and toast and plumping your pillow, but unfortunately I am the only midwife covering this floor tonight and I have eleven other women that may need drugs and stuff, so can we talk about your birth experience another time?

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Oh i am glad i found this thread.

1. Oh, so at bedtime you get flexeril, percocet, and ativan but you just can't sleep without your temazepam???

2. It must be nice to lay in bed all day and have someone bring you percocet at your command.

3. (To a family member) oh, no, your aunt who is normally a + o x3, gets up in the middle of the night wheezing and hallucinating i am jesus, no her lexapro will help her out much w that anxiety, i agree. It was silly of me to send her to the ER.

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