Let Negativity Roll off Your Back: Learn to Set Boundaries
Learning to set limits is a skill and unfortunately most of us really never learned it. As a nurse, saying "No," can feel like you are abandoning your team and yet, it is a skill that is going to save you from the perils of burnout and chronic tension and discontent in your career. This is Part 1 in a 2 part series on learning to set boundaries.
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Do you get caught up in other people's drama? Are you easily affected when someone makes a negative comment? When someone starts gossiping do you stay to hear the latest or do you get up and leave?
The origin of the word gossip actually comes from the days of the Monarch when the King would send out their spies to "go sip" in the pubs to hear what was being said about them. Today it is a passive aggressive way to poison the culture.
Nursing has its own culture as does each department and organization. The desire to belong and fit in is universal. Some people want to fit in at all costs and may engage in gossip so others seek them out. They have a feeling of power and authority as they share "news." The more others listen, the greater the "authority" is perceived. One way to stop gossip, is to stop listening. This is one way to set a boundary.
In order to belong some people do not exercise any boundaries and end up angry or afraid. In fact this is the number one purpose of the emotion, anger, is to set boundaries or limits. Emotions are designed to inform and alert you to take some type of action. Boundaries can feel like a challenge as a nurse when very often as part of the job, you are exposed to situations, emotionally and physically, that are so intimate.
Yet, part of being a nurse is to recognize "vital" signs of distress. This has to first start with your own! By first recognizing what you are feeling, you can then take action. Setting boundaries can be as simple as walking away, putting distance in between you and the person who has irritated you. It is not always necessary to say anything. Removing yourself any time the conversation resorts to negative comments, may be all it takes to send a message to someone that their conversation is not acceptable.
Boundaries include putting your hand up in the universal "stop" sign along with making a statement that something is not acceptable. Before you do these it is important to set some internal boundaries.
Do you know where you start and stop?
Very often in the course of the day when the stress level is high, it is easy to put all your attention "out there" as you get things done. What happens is that you lose touch with what might be happening internally. Begin a practice of mindfulness when you bring your attention to the moment. One easy way to do this is with a deliberate deep breath; breathe in on a count of 4, hold it on a count of 4 and exhale on a count of 4. Taking 10 seconds to breathe, gives you the chance to check in with yourself. What is going on within you? What do you need? This helps you establish an internal boundary so that other people's negativity and or drama does not creep in and become your bad mood or attitude.
Many people leave their house feeling pretty good and without realizing it get caught up in the free-floating anxiety or negativity shortly after they get to work. Emotions are contagious. You can only catch someone else's when you are not aware of your own.
Boundaries can be hard to establish at work because of a precedent, an unspoken rule that you do not make waves or you just go along to get along. Bringing these "rules" out in the open and talking about them is helpful to break the spell of this unhealthy practice. Boundaries, like emotions, are something we learn about (or not) very early on. Most of us have had mixed messages when it comes to what you feel and what you can do about it. What did you learn and how is this impacting your ability today to express yourself? What is your comfort level with identifying and naming emotions and then sharing what you feel with others? Are you able to use assertive communication and set limits even when there may be a precedent to let things slide?
Learning to communicate effectively and assertively is part of the professional practice of nursing, and includes building and developing a foundation of emotional awareness and savvy. It takes practice and is best accomplished with the use of training and or coaching. This is my specialty and having worked with scores of professionals, I have learned that building this foundation for yourself provides a competitive edge giving you greater opportunity and enjoyment on and off the job.
Begin with understanding that what and how someone communicates is actually a billboard for them - whether it is words or tone - it conveys to everyone else what they actually feel and think about themselves. Steer clear of other people's drama, chaos and spread your message of encouragement - the world definitely needs more of that.
