Domestic Violence: What Leaving Feels Like - page 3

by Ruby Vee 7,935 Views | 59 Comments

Imagine you got up from your computer right this minute, and walked out of your house knowing you will never, ever come back. Maybe you had a chance to grab your purse on the way past the chair it's slung over, but more likely... Read More


  1. 6
    Thanks so much for posting this article! I've read AN for over a year now, but never before been inspired enough to create an account and post. I was abused in the past. He started hitting me about 2 years into our relationship, and it took me 2 years, a broken bone, and several failed attempts before I successfully left. I don't share that part of my past often, because usually I get a "why didn't you leave sooner?" or some such response.
    Also, mycall2nsg's comment is spot on. Please, please, please take the abuse questions on admit seriously with each of your patients. I went to the same small town ED 3 times with injuries. All 3 times my explanation was taken at face value, and no one asked me any questions. I have no idea if it would have helped me leave sooner, but perhaps it would have. At the very least, it shows you care to ask, and that means the world to someone with no self esteem left.
    iceyv3, ChristineN, mrsmamabear2002, and 3 others like this.
  2. 1
    Always say something! Confront them - they usually will not listen or they will deny they are being abused --- just like I did - sitting there with bruises on my face, arms & black eye - right before I decided to save my life. Remember to tell them they have a choice & it will be time to decide to live or die in their situation, because that will ultimately happen & if you can give them a few escape ideas or tell about new apps on telephone that are for crisis centers & contacts that HE will not recognize. Do not sugar coat it & then walk away & say a prayer --- remember it is their choice. Funny how all my bad past is so helpful as a psych nurse! At least it wasn't for naught.
    mrsmamabear2002 likes this.
  3. 10
    I left. I walked with the clothes on my back (pajamas). I looked back. Hesitated. I knew the future back there. Even in the fear and pain there was a comfort zone of knowing what to expect. I knew his triggers, his ammo. Leaving and going to the unknown, the other side of my world, was scary and risky. I was jumping into the abyss. But staying there I knew would end with me as the martyr to that consuming ďloveĒ. A love so intense even a commercial on the TV was enough to spark his jealous fury. The bruises and egg size knots were proof of that. 15 yrs later... Iím happy, I am free. I can be a person with feelings, dreams, and hopes. No more nightmares and no more pain. Iím now married to a wonderful supportive husband who knew my potential hidden in my pain. Iím a BSN nurse working and feeling fulfilled and loved and more important I have self worth, self love and self dignity.
    iceyv3, bangbangbaby, uRNmyway, and 7 others like this.
  4. 12
    Oh Ratgirl63 - that wasn't intense love - that was intense mental illness! The one that controls you, beats you & then cries & tells you how much he loves you. The one that says he will kill everyone you know just to keep you from leaving. The one that screams at you that you're a whore when you try to look pretty & wear makeup -- then looks at other women & then at you in disgust saying "why don't you ever fix yourself up?" The one that has you tripping over your own feet because he is constantly telling you you're nothing but a F-Up & then laughs at you when you cry. He won't let you have friends or family because they might talk some sense into you. No that isn't love - that's a mad dog with a bone - he don't want you, but he won't let anyone else have you.

    I left mine on a midnight flight across the entire country because he was going to kill me - looked over my shoulder for 10 years before I married & changed my name. That was 30+years ago - I still have nightmares, but nursing is the only thing that makes me feel whole & safe again.
    iceyv3, uRNmyway, GrnTea, and 9 others like this.
  5. 3
    I understand what she means by "love" though. It's an obsessed, twisted love and it while most abusers cannot be helped to change, others, maybe very young ones, I'm hoping can change. Because my ex, the one I left while he was at work...is now married with a family. I can only pray that by leaving him the way I did may have taught him the repercussions of laying violent hands on a woman you profess to love.
    If my actions bought that goal, I'll be happy.
  6. 5
    Thank you so much for writing this. As someone who has made that walk, I teared up reading it. The thing that people who have not experienced it don't understand is that it doesn't end once you're physically out of the situation. Mentally you question yourself and you don't even know who you are any more and it took me years to get back to some sort of "normal." So thank you thank you thank you for writing this post.
    GrnTea, HollyLynn14, poppycat, and 2 others like this.
  7. 0
    My friends spouse has physically abused her several times. She feels like it ends up a win win because she ends up putting her hands on him too. She sometimes have left him with scratches on his face and arms. He once got physical with her when she was pregnant and the baby (his baby) ended up coming too early and had to stay in the NICU for soo long. She feels like its ok since sometimes they get along so well (even if she tells me she lost all connection with him and doesn't love him any more). She says she knows she is not going to be with him forever but still has never felt like its time to go yet especially since they have more than one kid together. All she does now is think of how her future would or will be with someone else. She does not have family around and no support staff. The fact that he keeps swearing he will never let her go makes her want to stay with him esp for the sake of the children. He says he can kill or just do something crazy if she ever leaves him. He has sweared a thousand times how he could kill anybody if he ever thought they would have an affair with her. She now lives in fear of what could happen anytime esp because she knows he is capable of doing those things. Every time I tell her to leave she says she is more safe with him than being out there not knowing what he is upto. She does need help, but have not sought any. How can I help my friend?
  8. 2
    Afraid to stay; Afraid to leave -- She may actually like the violence but doesn't want to admit it or she is just waiting for a hand to be force on her where she has no choice. You may need to hot line her for her child's sake or just wait to see it unfold.
    GrnTea and poppycat like this.
  9. 0
    Absolutely
  10. 3
    To those that think it cannot happen to you. Let me tell you it can. While on Active duty military. .I met that man, tall, dark handsome..articulate, smart. I was young and knew THAT was what I wanted for forever. That burning sensation in your stomach that Disney tells us we are supposed to have? Umm..yah.
    I married him. Gave him 3 beautiful daughters...nobody knew the horror I lived in. From the outside I had it all. I was a woman who maintained her figure despite her children (who were large babies), a house, 2 vehicles that were paid off, a home that we owned..and the man put mcdreamy to shame.
    The last time he beat me I was pregnant with our 4th. He cried, I cried...he told me for the first time that night that he was sorry. That it wasn't all in my head. That he wasn't a good husband, that he knew he needed help. Between his combat tours and mine, and being a nurse, I knew there were bound to be sone issues. I always cinceeded to the thought 'its not him..I make him this way..I make his illness worse'.
    We made it work, until he slapped me again
    I had no where to go. He controlled our money, my money...the kids, hell the dang mortgage was in his name. I remember looking at myself in the mirror that morning. I hated myself. I knew that walking out meant better, but that it would also mean worse. A night nurse with 37 dollars in her account, and 3 small children
    I left.
    I walked out. Hardest thing I have ever had to do, I was suicidal and depressed. He was angry of course, told the kids I walked out on them too, which in a way I did. But I couldn't even care for myself let alone them. 2 weeks later he had another 20 something sleeping in my side of the bed. He knocked her up shortly after. Me? Well I got help, which included an inpatient voluntary stay, in that I also blew the chance of getting custody soley, but I had to fix me. Hardest thing ever. I did what I had to do to survive, now, after he broke one of our kids arms he sits in jail. His other ex wife and I talk alot as does the girlfriend. Do not think you are exempt or that it cannot happen to you!
    Why did I stay? Becuse the hurt is what drove me to exist, because the honeymoon phase was worth it sometimes, because my kids deserved to see both parents, because I gave him control. .because I loved him. Thats why. Him and I have taljed once..I didn't cuss him out or condem him I simply said "one day you will see yourself the way the rest of us do and learn to love yourself that way you can stop hurting every woman that loves you regardless of how much you hurt them
    Call me weak...say whatever you choose.
    You will never know until it happens to you
    GrnTea, mycall2nsg, and vintagemother like this.


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