Domestic Violence: What Leaving Feels Like - page 3

Imagine you got up from your computer right this minute, and walked out of your house knowing you will never, ever come back. Maybe you had a chance to grab your purse on the way past the chair... Read More

  1. Visit  stepbystep12 profile page
    0
    My friends spouse has physically abused her several times. She feels like it ends up a win win because she ends up putting her hands on him too. She sometimes have left him with scratches on his face and arms. He once got physical with her when she was pregnant and the baby (his baby) ended up coming too early and had to stay in the NICU for soo long. She feels like its ok since sometimes they get along so well (even if she tells me she lost all connection with him and doesn't love him any more). She says she knows she is not going to be with him forever but still has never felt like its time to go yet especially since they have more than one kid together. All she does now is think of how her future would or will be with someone else. She does not have family around and no support staff. The fact that he keeps swearing he will never let her go makes her want to stay with him esp for the sake of the children. He says he can kill or just do something crazy if she ever leaves him. He has sweared a thousand times how he could kill anybody if he ever thought they would have an affair with her. She now lives in fear of what could happen anytime esp because she knows he is capable of doing those things. Every time I tell her to leave she says she is more safe with him than being out there not knowing what he is upto. She does need help, but have not sought any. How can I help my friend?
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  3. Visit  wingding profile page
    2
    Afraid to stay; Afraid to leave -- She may actually like the violence but doesn't want to admit it or she is just waiting for a hand to be force on her where she has no choice. You may need to hot line her for her child's sake or just wait to see it unfold.
    GrnTea and poppycat like this.
  4. Visit  lucrecole2009 profile page
    0
    Absolutely
  5. Visit  HollyLynn14 profile page
    3
    To those that think it cannot happen to you. Let me tell you it can. While on Active duty military. .I met that man, tall, dark handsome..articulate, smart. I was young and knew THAT was what I wanted for forever. That burning sensation in your stomach that Disney tells us we are supposed to have? Umm..yah.
    I married him. Gave him 3 beautiful daughters...nobody knew the horror I lived in. From the outside I had it all. I was a woman who maintained her figure despite her children (who were large babies), a house, 2 vehicles that were paid off, a home that we owned..and the man put mcdreamy to shame.
    The last time he beat me I was pregnant with our 4th. He cried, I cried...he told me for the first time that night that he was sorry. That it wasn't all in my head. That he wasn't a good husband, that he knew he needed help. Between his combat tours and mine, and being a nurse, I knew there were bound to be sone issues. I always cinceeded to the thought 'its not him..I make him this way..I make his illness worse'.
    We made it work, until he slapped me again
    I had no where to go. He controlled our money, my money...the kids, hell the dang mortgage was in his name. I remember looking at myself in the mirror that morning. I hated myself. I knew that walking out meant better, but that it would also mean worse. A night nurse with 37 dollars in her account, and 3 small children
    I left.
    I walked out. Hardest thing I have ever had to do, I was suicidal and depressed. He was angry of course, told the kids I walked out on them too, which in a way I did. But I couldn't even care for myself let alone them. 2 weeks later he had another 20 something sleeping in my side of the bed. He knocked her up shortly after. Me? Well I got help, which included an inpatient voluntary stay, in that I also blew the chance of getting custody soley, but I had to fix me. Hardest thing ever. I did what I had to do to survive, now, after he broke one of our kids arms he sits in jail. His other ex wife and I talk alot as does the girlfriend. Do not think you are exempt or that it cannot happen to you!
    Why did I stay? Becuse the hurt is what drove me to exist, because the honeymoon phase was worth it sometimes, because my kids deserved to see both parents, because I gave him control. .because I loved him. Thats why. Him and I have taljed once..I didn't cuss him out or condem him I simply said "one day you will see yourself the way the rest of us do and learn to love yourself that way you can stop hurting every woman that loves you regardless of how much you hurt them
    Call me weak...say whatever you choose.
    You will never know until it happens to you
    GrnTea, mycall2nsg, and vintagemother like this.
  6. Visit  HollyLynn14 profile page
    1
    Quote from mamax3
    Thank you so much for writing this. As someone who has made that walk, I teared up reading it. The thing that people who have not experienced it don't understand is that it doesn't end once you're physically out of the situation. Mentally you question yourself and you don't even know who you are any more and it took me years to get back to some sort of "normal." So thank you thank you thank you for writing this post.
    I am still waiting for that day. I am happily in love but the idea of marriage scares me into a panic attack.
    I know this one would never hurt me. I have known him for 12 years, but I cannot help but shutter at the thought of remarriage. Ultimately too that will be what ends this relationship and I know it.
    vintagemother likes this.
  7. Visit  mamax3 profile page
    3
    Remarriage is a very scary thought for me still. My new one asked and it took me a while to be able to say yes because it was a frightening concept for me. The abusive relationship affects any and all relationships after, but I think there comes a point when u day I'm not going to let him have any more control over my emotions. I'm still very much a work in progress but that it what I tell myself daily. He is out of my life and has no bearing on me and my life anymore.
  8. Visit  JustWantToMakeIt profile page
    4
    Great article. Sometimes people just don't get it.
    "Why can't you just leave?" they ask. If only it was so simple! It has to be a well-planned "escape" or else you possibly risk your life and maybe even others around you.
    poppycat, Ruby Vee, LadyFree28, and 1 other like this.
  9. Visit  PrayeRNurse profile page
    5
    As nurses we are taught to be strong, to make things right. It is hard to admit that behind closed doors things are beyond bad; that things are life threatening. Leaving is the most dangerous time for the abused. My children and I will celebrate 8 years of freedom this week. We left with what we were wearing and a car. I had no education at the time I left with my 3 kids. I now am working on my FNP and never ask if someone is safe in front of anyone. Safe leaving might mean planning. I tried to run one day with the children. It did not work out. Many beatings and 3 days later with a safer plan I was able to safely leave with the children. Having people ask "why did you stay", is not helpful. A stranger hid us for a night as my ex drove the streets looking for us.

    Now I encourage others to make a safe plan for leaving if at all possible. I would love to see nurses help nurses to step forward and ask for help. You are not alone. The nursing community can be very supportive and many companies are in several different states and may just be able to help with a transfer. You can check it out with HR without anyone knowing why you are looking into a move. For those who are still in the middle of the war zone, stay safe and strong. Plan carefully, don't use friends who know both of you. You have taken the blows, rebuilding your life is not as difficult as you think. We are all ready to help.
  10. Visit  SerenityKris profile page
    2
    I can't tell you how suitable it was for me to read this tonight.
    I received a call from a past co-worker tonight asking if she could come to my house. I know her yeah, but we aren't close.
    She showed up with a black eye, fat lip, and a pretty bruised up face. She came here because I'm a nurse and she knows my partner is a sheriff's deputy. She knew we'd take care of her.
    She's currently asleep on my couch and I'm pretty sure she'll go back. I'm not sure how I can convince her not to. There is a child involved. We both told her to call the police. She was at work and the entire attack happened in an area that was on security cameras. She just thinks her daughter will hate her if she gets her daddy arrested.
    I am just not sure what to do when morning comes. We've told her she can stay here as long as she needs to but he can obviously get to her at work too.
    It's frustrating.
    poppycat and vintagemother like this.
  11. Visit  Christy1019 profile page
    3
    Quote from SerenityKris
    I can't tell you how suitable it was for me to read this tonight.
    I received a call from a past co-worker tonight asking if she could come to my house. I know her yeah, but we aren't close.
    She showed up with a black eye, fat lip, and a pretty bruised up face. She came here because I'm a nurse and she knows my partner is a sheriff's deputy. She knew we'd take care of her.
    She's currently asleep on my couch and I'm pretty sure she'll go back. I'm not sure how I can convince her not to. There is a child involved. We both told her to call the police. She was at work and the entire attack happened in an area that was on security cameras. She just thinks her daughter will hate her if she gets her daddy arrested.
    I am just not sure what to do when morning comes. We've told her she can stay here as long as she needs to but he can obviously get to her at work too.
    It's frustrating.
    I might have her read this thread... Maybe it'll open her eyes to other's experiences and that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Keep us posted on what happens, and in case you do show her this thread; Be brave, be strong, no amount of anger from your daughter can supersede you keeping her protected and ending the cycle of violence. We are all behind you!
    poppycat, vintagemother, and LadyFree28 like this.
  12. Visit  SerenityKris profile page
    1
    She contacted the local Safe Space, and they're supposed to come talk to her tomorrow.
    She's been drinking alcohol containing energy drinks pretty consistently since arriving here yesterday. I'm hoping that this is a temporary coping mechanism to deal with what's happening, but my gut is telling me there's a substance abuse issue going on as well. One can of this stuff is like 4 beer. I had no idea that's what she was drinking until my partner pointed it out. I just thought it was fruit punch. (Yes, I'm naive.)
    Now I'm not quite sure how to proceed. We agreed to give her a few days and see if she continues to drink like this. She has left her daughter with her husband because she says he's a good dad and would never hurt her and she doesn't want to upset her daughter's life needlessly until she gets a place of her own to move her daughter into. I want to help her, but I just have this feeling that we're being played here or something.
    One of my friends still works for the company, and she knew of the situation because she was the one to relieve her after it happened. My friend looked at the security cameras and what she said happened simply did not happen. Obviously someone hit her, and they hit her more than once, but the camera only shows her husband coming in and them talking for 20 minutes and then she followed him out to the parking lot where there are no cameras.
    I'm just.... at a loss for what to do here. We're going to give her a few days, because it's obvious that something happened to her, but at this very moment I'm regretting getting involved.
    I'll try to let you know how this all turns out.
    Christy1019 likes this.
  13. Visit  SerenityKris profile page
    0
    Well, she left for work yesterday afternoon and never came back. I texted her and she says she's ok.
  14. Visit  wingding profile page
    0
    SerenityKris - Please be sure to talk to her about her coping with alcohol - this numbs & keeps her in the same situation --- She'll need to look at this sober & true. Her daughter will hate her if she sends daddy to jail - maybe - but she'll hate her more for not sticking up for herself & then letting daddy kill her mommy & then start abusing her. I'd be taking the hate & Mom & kid being alive, rather than hate & mom dead with dad abusing child. If she thinks that wouldn't happen she is kidding herself - it's as plain & blunt as that. No time for niceties & such -- speak plain, speak blunt & speak truth & MAKE her read this thread SOBER! This thread shows the truth about abusers & women who found strength to save themselves & their children.


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