Domestic Violence: Telling Her To Leave Is Not Enough
You've done your job; you've noticed that the woman under your care seems to have an awful lot of accidents, and injuries are not consistent with her story, that her husband or boyfriend is controlling or verbally abusive, that she might be a victim of domestic violence. You've asked her if she feels safe, and you've given her the brochure, referred her to the shelter for the night and 'saved her life.' You've done good, right? Maybe, but have you done enough or have you just exacerbated her problems and put her in more danger? What IS enough, anyway?
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I know a little bit about domestic violence; I was once in an abusive relationship. Back then, healthcare workers didn't ask you, when you came to the hospital with injuries from "a fall" or "running into a door" for the third time this year, whether you might be in danger from an abusive spouse. If they had, perhaps I would have caught on sooner; but on the other hand perhaps not. Maybe I would have left him sooner, but on the other hand, perhaps not. When I did leave, I had just begun to make a plan for leaving, but it wasn't a thorough plan. There were oh, so many gaps.
So the nurse or the physician or maybe the CNA noticed that you've been in the ER three times this year because you're so clumsy you keep running into doors or falling down the stairs, only the injuries are never completely consistent with your story. They notice that your husband or boyfriend is a bit controlling, is hovering, is answering questions posed to you. They get him out of the room on one pretext or another, and then they ask you if you're being abused. And perhaps because you're having an exceptionally weak moment, or you're particularly fed up right now or you're just being reckless, you admit that you are. So they give you a brochure and send you to a shelter for the night. They did good, right? They saved you?
Maybe they did save you. Maybe it was just the push you needed to get out of the situation and the guy is still apologetic or he isn't a hardened abuser or he's willing to relinquish control over you because he has another woman on the sidelines ready to be brought to the mainstream or the military just PCSed him to another assignment. But that isn't always the case.
So you've gone directly from the hospital or your GYN appointment or your trip to the Urgent Care clinic to have your broken bones set to the shelter or your aunt's house or the home of a good friend. You wake up the next morning with nothing to put on except what you took off yesterday, with no money and no car and nothing except what you had when you entered the clinic. Your car, your clothes, your credit cards, your THINGS are all in the home that you share with your abuser. In my case, I was on the side of the road with nothing except the clothes I was wearing and my dog. (At least I got my dog. My purse, not so much. But I got my dog.) Oh yes, I was 300 miles from my home with no money, no ID, no credit cards. I couldn't even get on the military base where we lived in military housing because I had no identification and I could not bring myself to call my abuser and ask him to vouch for me.
I had a good job as a nurse, I had my own car and my own credit cards. Until I met HIM, I had a good, independent life. I could support myself and any children I might have had. And I had a good friend who, unbeknownst to me, had been through it all herself. Once I brought myself to call her, collect, she helped me figure out the rest. I certainly wasn't in any shape to figure things out for myself.
Pointing out to someone that they're in an abusive relationship and sending them to a shelter isn't enough. I don't know what "enough" looks like, but that is far from it. There has to be a plan -- and the woman in the relationship has to have some input in the plan because she's going to have to live it. Any "help" that doesn't acknowledge the dangers a woman faces when she leaves her abuser and doesn't address what happens the morning after she wakes up in the shelter or her friend's house or the home of her aunt and uncle doesn't go far enough. It's a start, but it isn't enough and it may even put the woman in more danger.
