Domestic Violence: Telling Her To Leave Is Not Enough - page 3

I know a little bit about domestic violence; I was once in an abusive relationship. Back then, healthcare workers didn't ask you, when you came to the hospital with injuries from "a fall" or... Read More

  1. Visit  Heathermaizey profile page
    7
    Quote from Nola009
    I came back to this post tonight just to read the other responses. Just want to say thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences, words of wisdom, and encouragement. Tears are in my eyes... it means a lot. Little by little, I have lost friends and even my own brothers will not speak to me. There was some falling out over something my husband said to one of my brothers or that one of my brothers said to my husband right before I started nursing school around 4 years ago and I haven't spoken to that brother since. He refused any (small) effort I made. My husband seems to feel just fine about it, claiming that my brothers aren't true men for reacting the way that they did. I believe that if they really cared, then they wouldn't give me the cold shoulder all this time. Eveny own mother dropped me like a hot potato, maybe because her favorite child did. Since she has found out I'm a nurse, I'm suddenly worth her time now and she has been wanting to 'hang out'. Never has discussed the silent treatments going on in the family, or her part in going along---she hasn't invited me to a holiday dinner, let alone her house in all these years!! And we all live within an hour's drive. That, above everything else has made me feel so low to the point where I'm planning on committing genetic suicide by not having any bio children and I'm just hoping to carry out the rest of my days in some helpful, positive way. I mean, I could probably use some counselling, but I just haven't found the right one. I do not trust easily. It's complicated for me. There's a mess of issues going on here. I want to be happier and healthier, but don't know where to start. And I really don't wanna be alone. But you people on AN have inspired me to do some soul-searching. Thanks.

    That is part of your husband isolating you from your family. They are master manipulators. They make it so you have to rely on them for everything. For money, friendship, companionship. I agree that you need some counseling. You need for a neutral third party to look at this and talk to you.

    My doctor had suspected the abuse. I always told him that everything was fine. Back in January of 2011, I had come down with yet another case of pneumonia. I was so stressed out and upset all of the time it had really affected my health. My blood pressure had dropped at home and I was hallucinating and going in and out of consciousness. I told my husband to take me to the hospital that something was very wrong. He didn't want to take me. It was infringing on his relaxation time and couldn't I just wait until tomorrow? I said no, I need to go now. He witnessed me going in and out of consciousness and the hallucinations. It was January and I was in my front yard in the snow talking to people who weren't there.

    We get to the ER and my BP at that point was 50/30 and I was barely conscious. They did a portable chest xray which revealed the pneumonia. The ER doc told me that he could admit me or send me home after my BP came up and they got some fluids in me but only if someone would be there to take care of me. I wouldn't be allowed to do anything and someone would have to care of my just turned 5 year old at the time. My ex barely paid attention and just looked ticked off that he was even there. He never piped up and said yeah I will make sure she is taken care of. Needless to say, I was admitted. In ICU for 2 weeks and then in a regular room for a week. When I finally got home, my home was trashed and I had to clean it and take care of my son. I had contracted bronchitis and H1N1 in the hospital and was super sick again when I got out. My regular family doc had a long talk with me because the ER doc suspected abuse that night. I told him I was fine and would be ok.

    Needless to say, my health has taken a drastic turn around. I finally opened up to my family doc last August when I filed for divorce. He has told me I made the most amazing turnaround he has ever seen. My health is 100 times better. I am not stressed out hardly at all any more.

    So please get counseling and talk to a professional. They can be a huge help. The stress from an abusive marriage affects every aspect of your life. I worked on getting my ducks in a row for several months before filing. Even with that, I sat in my car for over an hour before going into my lawyer's office to start the process and give her a check. Like I said before it was not easy. Not any part of it. But my life was so much better now. My son's life is also much better.
    Nola009, brandy1017, Guttercat, and 4 others like this.
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  3. Visit  Guttercat profile page
    6
    Quote from Nola009
    I came back to this post tonight just to read the other responses. Just want to say thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences, words of wisdom, and encouragement. Tears are in my eyes... it means a lot. Little by little, I have lost friends and even my own brothers will not speak to me. There was some falling out over something my husband said to one of my brothers or that one of my brothers said to my husband right before I started nursing school around 4 years ago and I haven't spoken to that brother since. He refused any (small) effort I made. My husband seems to feel just fine about it, claiming that my brothers aren't true men for reacting the way that they did. I believe that if they really cared, then they wouldn't give me the cold shoulder all this time. Eveny own mother dropped me like a hot potato, maybe because her favorite child did. Since she has found out I'm a nurse, I'm suddenly worth her time now and she has been wanting to 'hang out'. Never has discussed the silent treatments going on in the family, or her part in going along---she hasn't invited me to a holiday dinner, let alone her house in all these years!! And we all live within an hour's drive. That, above everything else has made me feel so low to the point where I'm planning on committing genetic suicide by not having any bio children and I'm just hoping to carry out the rest of my days in some helpful, positive way. I mean, I could probably use some counselling, but I just haven't found the right one. I do not trust easily. It's complicated for me. There's a mess of issues going on here. I want to be happier and healthier, but don't know where to start. And I really don't wanna be alone. But you people on AN have inspired me to do some soul-searching. Thanks.

    Nola,

    Obviously it is complicated for you. Many of us here can commiserate. I suspect you are currently living out "what you know." "What you know" being a set of learned reactions and actions based on a long history of family dynamics.

    And that's OK! You're doing the best you can with the tools you have been given. That said, you are a functioning adult, and are doing a lot of things right! Remember that. Remember yourself, your future, and the preciousness of you. Remember your fortitude, your intelligence, and the road of hope you were on before it all went wrong.

    Find an impartial counselor (I did), as it really is a beneficial. When you feel isolated, the sense of relief and the mental clarity it brings for just having a real person listen and help sort through the mess is huge. I know this from personal experience. The counselor doesn't rescue you, or solve all your problems, but they help you look at your situation from outside the bubble that you are trapped in. The contents of our "bubbles" are often like pieces of our lives, our minds, even our very spirits tossed around in a whirlwind or a tornado-- how is one lone person in the middle of a tornado supposed to recognize, let alone grasp all the crap flying by?

    My best to you. Save yourself a few years of the same, and seek some outside assistance.

    When I finally sought out a counselor, I was actually shocked. I thought I'd be given a laundry list of "things to do to improve myself and my marriage." I was so tired. So very, very tired--the last thing I wanted was more work. After all, I had spent four years in a marriage "working" to appease the beast (ex husband). I laid out events to the counselor in as objective a manner as possible. Instead of the laundry list of "self improvement" exercises, the counselor validated that I was indeed not crazy, and things were really that bad. The "self improvement" work came after I distanced myself from the crazy.

    This doesn't mean your marriage will end. It only means you are gaining more tools to get yourself back to where you want to be--how you envisioned your life long before it all went to hell.
    Nola009, liebling5, vintagemother, and 3 others like this.
  4. Visit  Guttercat profile page
    5
    Quote from Heathermaizey
    That is part of your husband isolating you from your family. They are master manipulators. They make it so you have to rely on them for everything. For money, friendship, companionship. I agree that you need some counseling. You need for a neutral third party to look at this and talk to you.

    So please get counseling and talk to a professional. They can be a huge help. The stress from an abusive marriage affects every aspect of your life. I worked on getting my ducks in a row for several months before filing. Even with that, I sat in my car for over an hour before going into my lawyer's office to start the process and give her a check. Like I said before it was not easy. Not any part of it. But my life was so much better now. My son's life is also much better.
    Glad you got out of this situation.

    Getting "the ducks in a row" is tough, but necessary. I had to do the same.

    Some spouses will take the abrupt leaving of their victims as a wake up call, and do the hard work necessary to save the marriage. Sadly, most abusers do not.

    I spent three years asking my husband to go to joint marriage counseling, and he refused each time. I even told him to pick the counselor himself. Imagine my surprise when I finally filed for divorce and he said something along the lines of, "You evil b*t*, you never even gave me a chance to go to counseling!"

    You can't fix crazy, and when he said that, I knew that it was time for me to get the ___ out. Permanently.

    The day I moved out from the house of horrors was the day I danced around my new home. Literally. I swung my arms up in the air in each room. The sense of freedom, and the sense of regaining my lost self was overwhelming. I will never forget it. Ever.
    Nola009, liebling5, vintagemother, and 2 others like this.
  5. Visit  LoveNeverDies profile page
    5
    It both comforts me and saddens me that so many here have suffered this type of abuse. However, I would like to say it doesn't always start with emotional abuse. My senior year of high school I dated a very popular boy, 3 sport athlete and all that good stuff. Our relationship was excellent, often my friends commented on how sweet and loving he was to me. He did however, have extreme anger issues with sports, I even admired his competitiveness being an athlete myself. One night after he had a rough game I was trying to help his mood and he shoved me, down a concrete flight of stairs. I was so shocked and he was so shocked that I quickly excused it away. Flowers, candy, and a flood of apologies later it was all but completely forgotten. Until a few weeks later after a game again, he punched me in my kidney when I turned away from him. Slowly, over time it got more frequent, but never turned into emotional abuse. To me that was the hardest part to deal with, how could I tell my friends that were so jealous of me what a monster this person could be? He would hit me, all while telling me how much he loved me and how sorry he was. I am sorry about going on, but very few people know this about me and it is nice to talk to people that understand. I can not imagine how hard it would be if I had nowhere else to go, I am amazed and thankful for the strength that you women have demonstrated in your testimonies.

    Nola, my best wishes that you find help with your situation. I hope you find the strength to move on and have a happy, fulfilled life.
    Nola009, GrnTea, Guttercat, and 2 others like this.


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