That one baby........

NICU_Nurse, BSN, RN · Aug 30, 2003

Oh, so many I can't count!!! I remember faces- I'm terrible with names, but I can remember a face of someone I went to pre-school with. It's the same way for me with the babies. I remember faces. I remember their eyes, the way their hair looked, the way they reacted to touch, so much of it. Like a freeze-frame montage, in a way, but one that isn't only visual. Does that make sense?

I became particularly attached to this one baby we had for about six months. He had seroconverted to HIV+ because they didn't know about the mom's status in time to catch it. She was giving him up for adoption, and he had some feeding intolerance issues, and was just having trouble getting out of the Level II nursery. Also, they were having trouble finding a family who wanted to adopt him because of his HIV status. I just fell hard for this baby- I don't know if it was the fact that he was so sick, or that his life had a clock that was ticking faster than ours, or that he had no family come visit him or love him up (probably all three!), but I just fell in love with him. Even the nurses I worked with called him "my" baby, and they knew that I wanted to spend time with him so they went out of their way to let me have whatever assignment he was grouped in. I mean, I don't have any kids, you know, but I LOVE children, and I love all the babies I work with *anyway*, but him in particular I just really bonded with.

I spent a literal fortune at Toys'R'Us! It's the only time I get to shop there, you know? I mean, none of my family lives here, and I don't know anyone who has small children, and my husband and I aren't ready for our own yet, so I had a BLAST shopping for him. Some of the stuff I bought I donated to the nursery (like a swing, a baby bouncer, a mobile for his crib so he would have stimulation- that kind of stuff that could be cleaned and used again after he was d/c'd). A lot of it was just for him, though. I bought him the softest little stuffed puppy and this nubby little lamb, and other little things to introduce him to different textures. I started a scrapbook for his future parents with photos and little notes and items, like ID bands he'd outgrown, his umbilical cord, his first haircut when he had to have a scalp IV placed, stuff like that. I did foot and hand prints once a month to show how he was growing, saved cards he got for his "anniversary" dates and holidays, stuff like that. Actually, I still do a lot of that whenever I can for the babies I work with now- it really made me realize that these babies go through a lot that the parents aren't around for. I mean, it's terrible that they can't be with their kids while they're hospitalized, but by saving little things like that, you can share the growth of the baby with them and give them something to put away for when the baby grows up and wants to know about when he was born. I sang to him and cuddled him and exercised his body- he'd been in a crib for six months! They get such awful little contractures if you don't do their ROM exercises (or PT, if you don't have PT). I even massaged his little toaster head.

This baby was the reason I became such an advocate for kangaroo care (because it is ESSENTIAL that we foster whatever bonds we can for these children with their parents), and the reason I became a huge enthusiast for neonatal massage. I bought some of that vanilla/lavendar lotion and would just massage the heck out of him to calm him down. It was the only thing that would do the trick- he had some neuro problems from prenatal drug exposure and was very jittery and easily excitable. I mean, this baby would look at you straight in the eye, and I could just HEAR the processes going on inside of his mind. Are you my mother? Will you take care of me? Can I feel safe with you?

Eventually, I went on vacation and he was discharged to a wonderful family who adopted him. I didn't get to say goodbye, really, and it broke my heart into pieces, but I knew that he had a family who could give him the love he deserved, and I felt proud that they were willing to take care of him, knowing how sick he could become later on. I still say a prayer for him, along with all of my other babies, every single night before I go to bed. I try not to get too close now, though, because it hurt me to care for him so much and be so helpless. It's a really fine line, and sometimes you don't know where you are until much later, you know what I mean?

It was a wonderful experience for me, though, and a wonderful opportunity for me to learn more about myself as a person, a future-mommy, and a nurse. I'd rather get too close than not close enough. That could be just me, but I've got a lot of love to share, and I know that it's not going to run out any time soon.

prmenrs, RN · Aug 30, 2003

There was Artie--he lived 13 months, very BPDer. He was way back in the late 70's, we didn't have our own RTs. One day I was giving him a racemic Epi treatment--I had to have someone take him from me (he was sitting on my lap) because I was getting the Epi, too, and I got a little dizzy. Ok, they couldn't tell the difference from baseline, but my HR was waay up there! I went to his funeral.

There was Roberto, another Chronic who died.

There was Juan, who is upstairs talking to his girlfriend right now. (That's taking primary nursing WAY too far.)

There was Natasha--transferred from another state w/a g-tube, trach and a Broviac. They transferred her so she could be closer to hr family when she died. I took care of her for nearly a year in the hospital, did occasional home care shifts later. She did NOT die, she's got some hearing and vision deficits, but she's VERY bright, and quite adorable. She's around 6, I think, and in school. I went to her brother's delivery. Terrific family.

There was Rhett, who had a disorder I don't think they ever diagnosed, but also affected 2 other male infants in that family. Another wonderful family.

One day, I came into an assignment: Sarah and Jason. At the time, those were the names of my cat and my car!

Getting close to babies is one of the blessings of the job! Do it with an open heart!

NICU_Nurse, BSN, RN · Aug 30, 2003

Originally posted by prmenrs
There was Juan, who is upstairs talking to his girlfriend right now. (That's taking primary nursing WAY too far.)

Sandi! LOL!

neonatalRN · Sep 2, 2003

There you guys go, making me cry again! I love NICU nurses.

Heidi

SheaTabRN · Sep 2, 2003

prmenrs:

Does the comment above mean that you adopted one of your primaries??? If you haven't shared already, would you mind telling us about how that came about?

One of the worst parts of nursing in the NICU for me is watching the psychosocial discord in the families. I guess being raised in such a highly dysfunctional home makes me very sensitive to things like that. I have only been there a short while, but I have thought on several occasions that some of these parents really need to have their "parent card" pulled. (Mom and Dad not married; Mom was 21, Dad 46 and slightly slow. No home to discharge the baby to except the maternal father's home where mom was staying and the Dad was not allowed (maternal father and Dad were the same age... tension). The Dad stormed out of the hospital... Mom is crying saying that he said he will kill himself... chased him out the door. Manipulative older man playing on a young girl's insecurities... Bizarre.... So they discharged the baby to the mother who took the baby to a $25/night motel. Sad Sad Sad.....) How have you guy's learned to make peace with situations you have seen that are undoubtedly far worse than the one described above? This really troubled me but I was told by my preceptor that I will see things like that a lot.

And then... there are those parents that you like almost as much as the baby and are sad to see them go as well. That has already happened to me too.

Cheers!

Tab

Mimi2RN, ASN, RN · Sep 2, 2003

I went to a c/s for a babe we were told would die when it was born, we were told by the ob not to do anything. This was several years ago, I would attend deliveries with an RT, peds only called for critical situations.

The baby was born, did not die, breathed and pinked up, so I took her back to the nursery. She was a term baby, with hydrocephalus and holoproencephaly; a very large head and the odd cleft lip and palate that they have.

Her name was Raven Cheyenne, she stayed a few weeks with us, the mom and the FOB did not want her-they weren't together. I didn't mind taking care of her, some of the other nurses had problems, didn't want to deal with her. She eventually went to a place for disabled kids, lived till she was 7 months.

I'll never forget her.

cindylouwho · Sep 3, 2003

the social situations I have encountered along the way could make a book....it's hard to believe that people live the way they do sometimes.....discharged one baby to mom who had restraining order on the father...he ran her off the road and ripped the baby from the corificeat and smashed the baby's head into the car of the door fighting with the mother....he was arrested...the baby was admitted to pedi ICU then..all on the day of discharge.....and oh so many other stories there are......

prmenrs, RN · Sep 3, 2003

Actually, I did share on a thread in the Break Room about adoption.