I've had a profoundly bad day, and by the time any of you get this I may already have flunked out of my first week of LPN school, or hopefully I will have passed and will be taking yet another test on range of motion and hoping I can get it done perfectly in two tries.
I'm 36, three girls, and had a heart problem with my third child which resulted in cardiomyopathy and an ICD. I've recovered nicely, as long as I stay on my meds for life and all that, but let's just say I feel fine and am happy to have this second chance. Flash forward to now, where I have entered nursing school because of my experience with my heart. I want to make a difference. I've taken all my prereqs and have a 4.0, and I just started the PRACTICAL stuff this week. I'm doing handwashing, folks...you'd think it wouldn't be that big of a deal, right? Well, we were shown how to do it on Tues., I had two chances to practice after that, then when I came in today we had another two or three chances to practice. I seemed to be doing pretty well. When it came my turn to be tested I oops and got flustered, and then I lifted my arm above my elbow to check for soap without even noticing I did it. I know...bad move. So I was told I'd have to repeat this skill and if I don't make it, I'm flunked out of the program. The enormity of this upset me so badly I hardly heard a thing that went on in the next class. I was fighting the tears all the time. To think someone who is supposed to be so smart can't even wash her hands right! I feel tired, sad, worthless and miserable.
So, rather than go pick up my daughter from daycare, I slipped into the wash area and practiced after my last class. I was in there, washing and trying to dry (that's where I get messed up...my towel either touches the sink or my clothes, or else my finger slips and I touch skin) and crying my eyes out, when a wonderful nurse came in and gave me some pointers. I felt like such an idiot. I was a half hour late to pick up my daughter and then went home and promptly spent the next two hours trying to simulate washing at school (pretty hard without the right towels, which are what's goofing me up anyway). I also have to study for my check on range of motion tomorrow. I feel so snowed under, and over WHAT? This should not be so hard for me, and yet it is. Tomorrow I have to be in class at 8AM, do my handwashing test for the last time, and then if I pass I have another test on range of motion waiting for me. I have hardly managed to get the handwashing down yet!
I'm terrified I will end up having to do a second time on the range of motion as well, and this is just the beginning. I want to run away but have too much pride not to at least try. The really nice RN I talked to today said it's not as easy for a woman with three children and a life worry over, and she is right, but I don't want to make excuses for myself. I just want to do it. Send me a word of encouragement, someone! I don't know what I'll do with myself if I flunk handwashing, for crying out loud! My family will be so ashamed of me...and I'll be ashamed of myself.
Just had to vent....by tomorrow morning it will all be decided and I wish I had more faith in myself. This has really shook me up...I never thought I'd have this kind of trouble. Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself, but when you only have two chances and if you mess up you blow the whole thing...well, it's easy to get upset. Hubby says I have to just push down my emotions and do this, and I really am trying. I've done so well with all my classes that I guess I thought this was going to be at least manageable (I NEVER thought it was going to be easy...I'm not that dense).
Sigh....
Cara