Grieving for the elderly- reactions of others

[perfectbluebuildings, BSN, RN]

This is a long post... warning in advance!

I am curious about how you all, as caregivers for the elderly, have found people to react when you speak of being sad about a patient you got close to who dies... if they are able to understand there can be just as close a friendship/connection and just as much grief when an elderly person dies (especially if relatively unexpected) as when a younger person, for some people. I know the elderly have "lived their lives" and it is not necessarily as tragic as when a child is cut down without the opportunity to find out all that life has to offer, but there can be just as much love and deep feeling for an elderly friend/relative as a younger one; I know you all know that too.

I work at a nursing home coordinating a college student volunteer visit program (I am also a college student) and have had other students not involved in the program react as if the program is unimportant and poo-poo the relationships formed with comments to the effect that we are condescending, unrealistic kids with saintly smiles just coming to help these poor residents out of their loneliness to feel good about ourselves, which is of course not true at all!

A case in point is this week, a resident who was very loving to all she met, who had communication difficulties due to a stroke but was still able to communicate love and to smile up a storm, and was definitely cognitively "with it" and a joy to be with and filled with the joy of life... has within the month suddenly become very ill, and as of this past Friday is on a respirator with end of life care measures in place, and is in a city about twenty minutes up the road which might as well be twenty hours for myself and the volunteer matched with this special lady as neither of us has access to a vehicle for a visit, to say goodbye.

I guess, actually, this post is more with sadness at the passing of this beautiful lady who was so special to myself and many others, and upset that the bonds there could be so easily dismissed by others. It hurts when you are sad about someone's death (imminent or already happened) for someone not to comprehend why you should be sad.

I know I should just let it roll off "like water off a duck's back" but I want to educate these people also, help them see where their preconceptions are erroneous.

What are your responses in situations like this?

Thanks for sharing... :kiss

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I have been absolutely devastated by the loss of favorite elderly patients, almost as much so as if they were members of my own family. I've mourned their passing, sent sympathy cards to their families, even gone to their funerals. Just because the person is old and frail and their death not unexpected, no one has the right to disparage the feelings of loss and sadness that you're experiencing.....in fact, I'd be more worried about you if you DIDN'T feel sorrow when someone you've grown close to dies.

As you work with the elderly, over time you will become more conversant with death, and eventually recognize it for what it really is: a friend to those who are hopelessly ill, the final stage of the journey toward a place of light and peace for those who have "fought the good fight" throughout a long and well-lived life. You will be sad when a resident passes on, but remember, the day you stop being able to feel is the day you should quit and go do something else.

You sound like a warm, caring person, and Heaven knows the elderly need all the love they can get. The residents at your workplace are lucky to have you.:kiss

[perfectbluebuildings, BSN, RN]

Thanks Marla! :kiss I knew someone would understand...

I am beginning, just barely, to see death in a new light as you mention... "a friend to those who are hopelessly ill, the final stage of the journey toward a place of light and peace for those who have "fought the good fight" throughout a long and well-lived life." I really like that whole second paragraph of your post, in fact, and I will save it to look at later as well. I have a lot to learn. Like, to be happy for the person who has died in some situations even though you may be devastated that they are gone. Thank you for articulating that for me!

Thanks for your caring and understanding, and your residents are lucky to have you too!

[J. B.]

I too have found the loss felt from a older patient I had become close to. It really doesnt matter how long it take either to get that close . At least I have found time is irrelivat. Seem I have learned from my elder patients that were facing the end here on earth and knowing what was to come. They have been some of my angles who hagve tought me mush more than I ever taught them.

I have been blessed.

JB

[CoffeeRTC, BSN, RN]

mjlrn97....couldn't have said it better. I've worked at the same place for so long that when one of our old timers passes, its hard to see a new resident in "their" room. I still remember the ones who were there when I first started.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Originally posted by Rayrae

Thanks Marla! :kiss I knew someone would understand...

I am beginning, just barely, to see death in a new light as you mention... "a friend to those who are hopelessly ill, the final stage of the journey toward a place of light and peace for those who have "fought the good fight" throughout a long and well-lived life." I really like that whole second paragraph of your post, in fact, and I will save it to look at later as well. I have a lot to learn. Like, to be happy for the person who has died in some situations even though you may be devastated that they are gone. Thank you for articulating that for me!

Thanks for your caring and understanding, and your residents are lucky to have you too!

You're welcome, Rayrae:kiss

Although I don't work in LTC anymore, I still have a big soft spot in my heart for the elderly........I just love 'em! They've seen so many incredible changes in their lifespan, and they have so much to offer us, if we would only listen.

I feel honored whenever I'm in the presence of an elderly man or woman when they make this final passage; so often it's a blessing to one who's been ill and suffering pain and indignity. We cry, thinking it's for the person who dies, when we're really crying for ourselves because we know we'll miss him or her; the person him/herself is in the presence of God (or whatever higher power you believe in) and thus has nothing more to fear, ever again.........so who's better off?:)

That doesn't mean it's not OK to be a little selfish; after all, we'd rather have the person here. But I think it's important for those of us who deal with death on a fairly regular basis to be able to sort out our emotions, especially since we're often called upon to assist the family with THEIR needs. We have to keep a sense of perspective and know our place in the scheme of things, and while it's perfectly all right to cry with the family, we still have a duty to remain in control so that we can help them make sense of what has happened.

I hope you continue to work with the elderly; you must be a very special person.:)