Should boyfriend help me out?

nursemike, ASN, RN · Jun 20, 2008

I'm not quite that old, but I do know enough history to know that marrying for financial security was once perfectly normal and acceptable, before all this newfangled "falling in love" business came along. On the other hand, part of the price of that financial support was a lifetime of subservience.

Ah, those were the days! (Speaking, here, as a guy...)

But, seriously, I think you may need to resolve whether you are both in the same relationship. Are you partners in life, or roommates (with privileges)?

Personally, I can't imagine myself living with a woman and not sharing our goals and obstacles. Which, rather strangely for a child of the Sixties, leads me to conclude that if I were going to undertake that degree of commitment, I might as well make it official and get married.

(Which then breaks me out in cold sweat and nausea and makes me want to buy a Corvette.)

I must add that I've seen nursing school put a strain on some strong relationships and end some not-as-strong-as-they-looked ones. It's a lot of stress. So I'd strongly advise any nursing student to be as independent as possible. Looking into private loans might be a good place to start. I believe goverment-guaranteed student loans take your parents' income into account if you're under 25, but it would be worth checking. And even entry-level jobs in healthcare do typically pay better than minimum wage.

pinkiepie_RN · Jun 20, 2008

I agree with the poster that said if you're still living with your parents it would be more their responsibility to help you out than your boyfriend's responsibility, especially if he's still living with his parents. I'm sure he's probably saving his money for something if his expenses are that low. What are his goals? And I also am curious...are you guys engaged or something like that? That might change the picture. Good luck but it would definitely be in your favor to get a job and pay for your own expenses rather than expecting a handout from your boyfriend just because he has more money than you do.

djc1981 · Jun 20, 2008

Like others, I see no reason he should be expected to help you pay for school. You are living with your parents and are not married to him. Nursing school is tough -- if it wasn't, everyone would do it. Many people have struggled for a few years getting through with more on their plate than you -- kids, taking care of aging parents, etc. If they can do it, you can. Yeah, it will suck for awhile having to work and go to school full-time...but the benefits of a nursing degree are plentiful. I'm sure your bf works hard for any money he has, and has future goals and plans of his own. He's your significant other, not a loan officer. Work hard, study hard, and just chug through it. Good luck.

Lennonninja, MSN, APRN, NP · Jun 20, 2008

I'd sell the car and buy one that you don't have to make payments on as the first thing. You'd probably have cheaper car insurance that way too. I agree that he has no obligation to help you with your bills before getting married, especially since you aren't living together. What happens if you break up and then you owe him a lot of money for stuff he paid off for you? That's not a position I'd want to be in.

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Jun 20, 2008

Everything has a price and the sales conditions are not always in terms of money. What are the conditions of the sale? Are you willing to pay?

justme1972 · Jun 20, 2008

I am attending a community college for an accelerated nursing program. I currently work at a small local restaurant and get paid only minimum wage. My school schedule only allows me to work 3 days a week including weekends; therefore, I am making no money. I'm not qualified for student aid and the school I attend does not participate in any student loan programs. I've tried applying at other restaurants such as Chili's and Olive Garden but I don't get hired because they do training in mornings which I cannot attend because of school hours. My parents are putting gas in my car, but they can only help out so much. I still have a car note to pay and credit card bill. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. I have several girls in my class and their boyfriend is helping them out. Many girls were even able to quit their jobs because their boyfriend will give them money. I hate to work more hours and start failing school because of it. Do you think my boyfriend should be helping me out? Should he offer to put gas in my car, give me $50 or so? I don't think it is his obligation to help me out, but I feel he should.

The other "girls" in your class, in my opinion, are leaches.

First, there is no way I would allow any man to pay for my bills, mortgage, anything concerning cash money unless it's related to a gift or a date, unless I was engaged or married to them.

It's just a matter of self-respect.

There are two young women who do have boyfriends that are helping them in my class....one of them is getting married this August and the other is getting married in January...totally different.

If he wants to help, he can offer...and if you are really, really desparate, then I guess there is nothing wrong with accepting it. But if you are doing it out of a sense of entitlement, or even WORSE...HAVE TO ASK...then your boyfriend may not be your boyfriend for very long.

I have never, ever in my life, before I was married, ever asked a boyfriend for money....never.

It's a matter of self-respect...like I said, if you were engaged that's different...but don't put him on the spot...there is EVERYTHING wrong with that.

MB37 · Jun 20, 2008

I felt like I was in 1920 when I read your OP. I'm a 29 year old nursing student, and because I'm married, my husband is the only one working at the moment. We've only been married for 3 years, however, and I put myself through 4 years of college for my first degree as well as the first year of prerequisites for NS. I got married at 26, so my parents were counted on all my financial aid forms until I was 25. They both put themselves through college, so despite their considerable net worth, they informed me at 16 that they didn't believe in paying for their children's college education. That meant I was ineligible for need-based financial aid. I solved that by graduating as valedictorian of my HS and earning a full academic scholarship to college. I supported myself through school by working at restaurants as a server, then a bartender - both of which pay considerably better than minimum wage, and better than most nurse tech/CNA jobs. What are you doing in restaurants that only pays minimum wage, and why? I've never earned that little - even my job in high school was $0.50 over minimum.

I graduated with a degree that isn't useful at the bachelor's level, and after some soul searching, decided on NS. I was dating my husband when I started working on prerequisites, and would never have dreamed of asking him for a penny - or accepting it if he offered - to pay for school. I continued to bartend, and paid for my prereqs. We got engaged, yet I still worked and paid for my next semester myself. We moved in together when my lease was up, since it seemed silly to sign another one with the wedding right around the corner. That summer I didn't have class, so I went back to full time to pay for our wedding. I'm in an accelerated program now, and that's the ONLY reason I don't work at the moment. I did for our first two semesters, just not the last two. If we couldn't keep a roof over our heads, I'd still be working - I'd just have less sanity left, so we decided together it might be best for both of us if I took some time off.

So I'm confused about why anyone would ever even accept, let alone ask for, money from a significant other who they aren't married to. Especially at 18. You said you applied at two other restaurants and they train in the morning - are there only three restaurants in town? What do you do there that pays so low? Fast food establishments where I live pay better than minimum wage (by a dollar or two) - look into that. See if you can get trained to wait tables at your current job. Take other posters' advice and apply for an unskilled job at a hospital - often they'll help with tuition reimbursement at your school. Take a CNA course, unless you're in Fundamentals already - if so, apply for a CNA position. The economy is crap right now, so you have to be aggressive. Apply for scholarships and private loans - every bank offers them. Did you fill out a FAFSA? Do anything BUT ask your boyfriend for money. As another poster said, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? Do you feel that men should be supporting their women in general? If so, why are you going to nursing school if you don't plan to work? I'm sorry, this is just so foreign to me. My parents have never offered to put gas in my car. They're very nice people, they just don't feel the need to support their children after 18. It taught me a lot about myself and the world, and hopefully it can do the same for you. I apologize for the length! Good luck, OP, in finding a way to do this on your own! If you do wind up with this man in the future, he'll have a lot more respect for you for doing this yourself.

whodatnurse · Jun 20, 2008

I felt like I was in 1920 when I read your OP. I'm a 29 year old nursing student, and because I'm married, my husband is the only one working at the moment. We've only been married for 3 years, however, and I put myself through 4 years of college for my first degree as well as the first year of prerequisites for NS. I got married at 26, so my parents were counted on all my financial aid forms until I was 25. They both put themselves through college, so despite their considerable net worth, they informed me at 16 that they didn't believe in paying for their children's college education. That meant I was ineligible for need-based financial aid. I solved that by graduating as valedictorian of my HS and earning a full academic scholarship to college. I supported myself through school by working at restaurants as a server, then a bartender - both of which pay considerably better than minimum wage, and better than most nurse tech/CNA jobs. What are you doing in restaurants that only pays minimum wage, and why? I've never earned that little - even my job in high school was $0.50 over minimum.
I graduated with a degree that isn't useful at the bachelor's level, and after some soul searching, decided on NS. I was dating my husband when I started working on prerequisites, and would never have dreamed of asking him for a penny - or accepting it if he offered - to pay for school. I continued to bartend, and paid for my prereqs. We got engaged, yet I still worked and paid for my next semester myself. We moved in together when my lease was up, since it seemed silly to sign another one with the wedding right around the corner. That summer I didn't have class, so I went back to full time to pay for our wedding. I'm in an accelerated program now, and that's the ONLY reason I don't work at the moment. I did for our first two semesters, just not the last two. If we couldn't keep a roof over our heads, I'd still be working - I'd just have less sanity left, so we decided together it might be best for both of us if I took some time off.
So I'm confused about why anyone would ever even accept, let alone ask for, money from a significant other who they aren't married to. Especially at 18. You said you applied at two other restaurants and they train in the morning - are there only three restaurants in town? What do you do there that pays so low? Fast food establishments where I live pay better than minimum wage (by a dollar or two) - look into that. See if you can get trained to wait tables at your current job. Take other posters' advice and apply for an unskilled job at a hospital - often they'll help with tuition reimbursement at your school. Take a CNA course, unless you're in Fundamentals already - if so, apply for a CNA position. The economy is crap right now, so you have to be aggressive. Apply for scholarships and private loans - every bank offers them. Did you fill out a FAFSA? Do anything BUT ask your boyfriend for money. As another poster said, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? Do you feel that men should be supporting their women in general? If so, why are you going to nursing school if you don't plan to work? I'm sorry, this is just so foreign to me. My parents have never offered to put gas in my car. They're very nice people, they just don't feel the need to support their children after 18. It taught me a lot about myself and the world, and hopefully it can do the same for you. I apologize for the length! Good luck, OP, in finding a way to do this on your own! If you do wind up with this man in the future, he'll have a lot more respect for you for doing this yourself.

This post made my day...heck, my week! I'm thrilled to know there are people like you and your parents out there.

Your parents gave you the greatest gift - they instilled in you the values, self-confidence, problem-solving skills,and can-do attitude needed to function sucessfully as an independent adult!!!

Your husband must be awesome...because I can tell you would never put up with someone who you had to 'parent' or who tried to 'parent' you. Your children will be so fortunate to have such an egalitarian relationship as their role model.

God bless all of you! :yeah: :yeah: :yeah: :yeah: :yeah: :yeah:

babygirl66733 · Jun 20, 2008

Where is the money that you make going? I know you have a car payment and credit card debt, but what about the rest?? You live at home so you don't have any household bills. Can you car pool with someone to save gas? Sell your car and get a cheaper one to get you through school. When you graduate you can get a better one. Cut out every expense that you don't have to have (eating out, clothes, etc.) I bet if you write down your necessary expenses every month and buckle down you will realize that you can save lots of money.

Your boyfriend sounds like a smart man who knows how to save money. This is a VERY good thing, and often times hard to find in a man or woman. You might ask him to help you set up your budget, but not for any financial help.

Take pride in getting through nursing school without his help. You can do this!! You can get a private loan through sallie mae, find a better paying job and cut back where you can. Knowing that you made it without his help will feel great at the end. I promise.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, that wasn't my intentions. I want you to know that if you truly want this in your heart of hearts, you will find a way. Everything always finds a way of working out in the end if we set our minds to it.

Cosper123 · Jun 20, 2008

"I don't think it is his obligation to help me out, but I feel he should."

You need to switch your goal to politics

Nurseinprocess · Jun 20, 2008

Though I don't think he should be obligated to do so, if he could help you out from time to time it would be nice if he has the means to do so if you guys are that serious. Generosity is a good trait.
I have a similar situation, though I am a bit older with more responsibilities. My boyfriend has plenty of money, and I cannot really work much because of kids (not his) and school. We have been together for 3+ years and he hopes to marry me. There are times when I really struggle financially - I'll say something like "I have no gas in my car, or no money to buy groceries etc" his response is always the same "that sucks". It is not his responsibility to take care of me financially, so I make it work on my own. BUT here is where the problem lies, I know that if the roles were reversed I would gladly help him out especially if I understood he could not work because he was investing in OUR future by getting an education. It makes me wonder what he will be like if we ever do get married.

Men don't change after you marry them. Expect him to be a selfish, controlling tightwad husband.

RhodyGirl, RN · Jun 20, 2008

If I were in his shoes I wouldn't mind helping out with a $50 a week to fill up your car but that's it, and even that would be very generous. I had a girlfriend that technically lived with me and I let her drive my car with my gas in it and eat my food too. 5 months later we split and guess what? I haven't seen a penny since. We are friends again and I could ask for some money but I really don't care at this point, I have enough for myself to get through as I worked hard, saved up and now I'm going to school. If you can't handle the accelerated program without working to support yourself, then find a different program with a slower pace. No offense but all those guys the girls in your class said are helping them so they don't have to work, are suckers.

Wow, I am offended. My boyfriend has been supporting me for the past 2 years and will continue to do so until I finish my clinicals. After he graduated with a BS in Engineering he figured he could make enough money for both of us. And he does. We just got engaged last year and will be married in August.......

So is he a sucker? Heck no. Him supporting me is a benefit to the both of us and our future. I can finish school quicker and without financial stress (Yes, I have a car loan, car insurance, and a cell phone bill that totals up to $800/month), and when I am done we will have a healthy income to allow us to sell our condo, purchase a larger home, and enjoy our life together.

I appreciate EVERYTHING he does for me. I did not ASK for a 2 carat diamond ring, or for him to pay all the bills,etc. I did not SUCKER him into doing any of the things he does. He is a caring, generous and good hearted person who wants to see me achieve my dream of being an RN.

Watch what you say about other people's relationships. Not everyone has had a nasty experience like you have.

Sorry for the rant......but it really bugs me when people say things like that.