Please critique my essay (Long Post).

[jemride]

Hello wonderful people,

I am getting ready to apply to an accelerated BSN program and part of the application is writing an essay. I just finished the rough draft and wanted some input from you folks. Here are the questions I have to answer while writing the essay:

Please answer in two to three typewritten pages.

1. Why are you choosing a career in nursing at this time?

2. What experiences have you had in the health care field?

3. What are your short- and long-term goals?

4. How have you planned (financially and personally) for the year of full-time study in this accelerated program?

Here is my essay:

I have chosen a career in nursing because I believe I possess what it takes to make a good nurse and because I believe that the nursing field has a great deal to offer me. I have decided on this path as a result of my experience and research. I have always had a keen interest in the healthcare field and in helping people. As a young child I was diagnosed with chronic asthma and was in and out of hospitals for much of my preadolescent life. This allowed me first hand to experience the power of a caring and healing touch. Since then I knew I wanted to some day make a difference in other people's lives as those nurses had made in mine. Throughout life I have been confronted with many obstacles, each one bringing me closer and closer to my full potential. Academically, I have faced different challenges that I have conquered. Each circumstance, obstacle, experience and situation has given me colorful building blocks I am eagerly waiting to use in the accelerated nursing program.

After high school I attended and received my diploma from Glendale Career College in surgical technology to try and get a better idea of whether I truly belonged in the healthcare field and to see if I was cut out for it. Upon graduating from Glendale Career College I went to work at Good Samaritan Hospital as a surgical technician on a labor and delivery unit. While working at Good Samaritan Hospital, I realized early on that I did possess the abilities to be a good nurse. This lead me to contemplate how to pursue my nursing career. I knew that computers would eventually make an impact on the healthcare landscape and I also knew that computer literacy was one of my biggest weaknesses since I knew very little about them. Being the assertive person that I am, I decided to be proactive and address this lack of knowledge which I felt would eventually be a limiting factor in my career path. I attended at DeVry University and obtained a Bachelor's Degree in Telecommunications Management. Now that I have fulfilled this goal I feel that I am ready to further pursue my nursing career. I am grateful that I have taken this unorthodox approach to becoming a nurse for many reasons. Mainly because I feel that I am a much more mature, well rounded person than I was before I began this new page in my life.

I continued working as a surgical technician all while attending at DeVry full time. For the past 7 years I continued to work as a surgical technician on a busy labor and delivery unit at Good Samaritan Hospital in downtown Los Angeles, California. While working there I have had the opportunity to hone in on skills that will be extremely useful as a nurse. As a surgical technician I have had the opportunity to interact with patients, nurses and doctors. Being a surgical technician has allowed me to learn a great deal about the healthcare field. It has allowed to me see that the nursing profession is both extremely challenging and boundlessly rewarding. I am aware of the dire situation that the current healthcare of America is in. I know that there are huge obstacles and issues that must be addressed before healthcare gets back on track and I know that there is no simple solution for these issues. Along with all this, nursing is also a very demanding field that can have a toll on a nurses life. I face these trials and tribulations daily both as a surgical technician and as a husband of a labor and delivery nurse.

My short term goals are to obtain my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing and to acquire a few years of nursing experience. This will give me the opportunity to expose myself to different areas of nursing such as emergency care, critical care and operating room care so that I may have a solid, well rounded foundation on the aspects of the nursing profession. Since most of my current experience is primarily based in the operating room, I am considering becoming a First Assist as one of my main goals. I have extensive surgical knowledge and have always felt to be in my element during surgery but I realize the vastness of the nursing profession and am open to wherever it may lead. I plan to further my education by returning to nursing academia and pursing a Master's of Science in Nursing. As a student I have also discovered that I enjoy teaching. This has become evident while helping other students prepare for exams and practicums. I am also aware that one of the problems in regards to the nursing shortage is the lack of nursing instructors. I hope to someday possess the knowledge and skills to become a nursing instructor and help in addressing the nursing shortage issue.

In preparing to attend the accelerated nursing program at Mount Saint Mary's I have taken it upon myself to enroll in an intensive and demanding semester at Cerritos College. I am currently taking a 16 unit load which includes human anatomy and microbiology. This has allowed me to try and get a better idea as to what I can expect while attending an accelerated and rigorous program. I have also accustomed myself to prioritize my life and have addressed financial and personal issues so that I can completely emerge my mind, body and soul into my studies. My wife and I have sat down and discussed what the impact of me attending this program will have on our marriage. We are both ready and willing to sacrifice our time and energy so that I may succeed in this program. We are still newlyweds and realize that this is not a good time to start a family therefore we do not intend to do so until after graduation. We have also put our finances in order so that I will not need to work while I am in school for the next year.

Please keep in mind that this is a rough draft and that I have never done one of these before. I am not sure whether I need to introduce myself or whether I need to state that I am male and bilingual.

Anyways, thank you to those who take the time to help me out.

jemride

[Nurse2bSandy]

Jemride,

I think you did a great job of answering the questions thoroughly. My only suggestion is that since it is to be an essay you might want to focus a little more on your opening and closing paragraphs. The opening should grab you reader's attention. Your story of why you are turning to nursing (the asthma bit) is a good thing to focus on and could be used as an intro. For examples you can probably find good essays online. Then for your closing, an essay can be closed by summing up the entire thing or restating your main thesis. Even though you are answering questions, you can choose a main thesis to focus on and use it again to wrap it up. Again, look at essays online to get some ideas.

Just my 2 cents...

Good luck!

[lehua]

Transition sentences (first and last of each paragraph) should inform the reader of what will be discussed in that paragraph. This is the hardest type of resume to write and its good you started your personal statement now. Once you write a draft, put it down for a day and return to it thereafter. A fresh set of eyes can reveal many grammer and sentence structure mistakes. Good luck, I'm applying to their aa program and am writing my own resume for their school.

[jemride]

Thank you Nurse2bSandy and lehua,

I do plan on dramatically improving this essay. Just bare in mind that I have not posted my my entire essay. That is to say that what I have posted is mainly the body of the essay but not the introduction nor conclusion. I want to just let it sit for a bit as I reflect on what I have written and work on those two as I finish it off. In the meantime, I hope to get some useful suggestions/critiques.I intend on finishing this essay by this Wednesday.

Thanks a bunch....

jemride

[Jrnalist2RNinOR]

Here is part of your essay - the only part that I think really needs revision is the first half or so that is here - the second half just needs a careful rereading to proof for grammar and to take out any extra wordage and look for errors - make sure you have a couple people do that - the best way is to print it out - I have never been able to proofread very well something I wrote on a CPU screen for some reason -

any comments/suggestions that I made to your essay I put in brackets - let me say that I am not trying to be a ***** with them but just honest....as a former journalist I've done my share of writing...and editing...

BEST OF LUCK!!! ---->

I have chosen a career in nursing because I believe I possess what it takes to make a good nurse and because I believe that the nursing field has a great deal to offer me. [This first sentence is awkward and needs major revision - I would change the opening completely. They will be reading hundreds of essays - yours needs to grab them immediately!!] I have decided on this path as a result of my experience and research. I have always had a keen interest in the healthcare field and in helping people [Why?? - you bring up a lot of ideas and leave them unexplained.]. As a young child I was diagnosed with chronic asthma [GOOD - personalize it...] and was in and out of hospitals for much of my preadolescent life. This allowed me first hand to experience the power of a caring and healing touch. Since then I knew I wanted to some day make a difference in other people's lives as those nurses had made in mine. [Put in some paragraph breaks - please] Throughout life I have been confronted with many obstacles, each one bringing me closer and closer to my full potential. Academically, I have faced different challenges that I have conquered [need some examples here of those academic bloks you conquered]. Each circumstance, obstacle, experience and situation has given me colorful building blocks I am eagerly waiting to use in the accelerated nursing program.

After high school I attended and received my diploma from Glendale Career College in surgical technology to try and get a better idea of whether I truly belonged in the healthcare field and to see if I was cut out for it. Upon graduating from Glendale Career College I went to work at Good Samaritan Hospital as a surgical technician on a labor and delivery unit. While working at Good Samaritan Hospital, I realized early on that I did possess the abilities to be a good nurse[What made you realize this]. This lead me to contemplate how to pursue my nursing career. I knew that computers would eventually make an impact on the healthcare landscape and I also knew that computer literacy was one of my biggest weaknesses since I knew very little about them. Being the assertive person that I am, I decided to be proactive and address this lack of knowledge which I felt would eventually be a limiting factor in my career path. I attended at DeVry University and obtained a Bachelor's Degree in Telecommunications Management. Now that I have fulfilled this goal I feel that I am ready to further pursue my nursing career. I am grateful that I have taken this unorthodox approach to becoming a nurse for many reasons. [you say it is many reasons - you list one] Mainly because I feel that I am a much more mature, well rounded person than I was before I began this new page in my life.

[BarbPick]

Jemride

Keep in mind I am a nursing instructor on sabbatical, working at the bedside to find my focal for a semester.

Your opening reminds me of this, I had to learn as a college pledge:

A fire engine is red because it has six men and six wheels, 6 plus 6 is 12. There are 12 inches on a ruler, queen elizabeth is a ruler, queen elizabeth was also the name of a ship, the ship sails the sea, the sea has fish, fish have fins, the fins faught the Russians, Russians are Red (I am Russian btw), Fire Engines are always rushing, Therefore FIRE ENGINES ARE RED.

I hand this out to every student on the first day of each semester I teach. Get rif of the justifcation of because in the opening . Remove all justifications. Speak from the heart.

Something like : As I look back on the people I admire most in my life, a reoccuring theme seems to appear, they both were nurses. Then tell Why. Hey it worked for me 32 years ago at the University of Miami.......Good Luck.

Barbara

[wonderbee, BSN, RN]

I didn't give it a thorough read as others have. As has been mentioned, the opening didn't grab my attention. Also, I've found that opening sentences with the "I" pronoun tends to be limiting. It doesn't take a lot of imagination or creativity to structure sentences using the "I" pronoun as the jump-off point. Try to restructure some of those sentences perhaps using a verb or an adverb rather than a pronoun. The first sentence should definitely avoid usage of the "I" pronoun as the first word.

Kathy