My husband won't let me do bed baths - page 12

I told my husband that we are doing bed baths in lab on Friday. He looked at me strange and asked me why on earth I would want to do that. I told him that it is just something you do as a nurse. He... Read More

  1. by   ehill
    I empathise with you on this. My partner doen't realy like me nursing, but that's tough. We sat down and talked it through. He still doesn't like it but accepts thats what i want and we talk in general about my day, rather than him knowing all the little details that make him uneasy.
    I think it the fact that you are on the recieving end rather than you giving the bath that bothers him.
    Hope it all gets sorted for you.
  2. by   lisabeth
    From my reading, someone used a scripture and appeared out of context, while someone else knowing the scripture pointed it out. That's how it came into the thread.

    Quote from pagandeva2000
    While I have not read all of the posts in this thread, I have to question how did religion actually come into play, here? The original poster stated that her spouse was uncomfortable with her performing bed baths. I didn't see (and again, I admit that I have not been able to read all posts), where she discussed her personal faith, and therefore, I am not sure if we should be quoting Biblical verses to people that may not value them in the first place.

    This is not to contradict anyone's personal relationship (or disbelief) in their Supreme Being...let me say this before there is some serious flame throwing here...but, if the original poster is, let's say, Hindu, Buddist, or anything else, religious solicitation may not be appreciated unless it is by the couple's own spiritual advisors.

    I can also agree that it may be that the husband perceive his behavior as being protective towards his wife. I am still trying to wrap my brain around performing LIVE bedbaths in school...I have not seen this, and (personally), would not have participated in them. If it is a patient-client relationship, that is different. But these are classmates that have a tendency to gossip, mock or humilate each other...no matter what nursing instructors may actually say to deter this. I know from my own experience that even in professional settings, HIPPA laws are violated every day when staff see their co-workers admitted into their facility. Sometimes, they get busted, other times, adminstrators turn a blind eye when it is a friend of theirs and cover up the misbehavior.

    I believe that the original poster should convey the message to her husband that the actual job would not be sexual in nature; but if this bathing is done in class, I would want to know if the students are actually stripping out of some clothes or not, and if they are comfortable in this. My husband was the most supportive cheerleader I had while I attended nursing school, but I also know he would have raised some eyebrows if he thought that someone was touching me or I was touching some guy.
  3. by   harkaivass
    Sorry to hear about that your husband doesn't understand the part of your job.Please don't listen to the people who are not your well wishers.Do whatever you think makes both of you guys happy.If my husband asks me not to do something,I would rather listen to him instead of saying I'm not your property or something.If the task is unavoidable,I'd try to explain to him but if he still doesn't agree then we will discuss together that I should rather quit on my job.:blushkiss
  4. by   harkaivass
    Quote from harkaivass
    Sorry to hear about that your husband doesn't understand the part of your job.Please don't listen to the people who are not your well wishers.Do whatever you think makes both of you guys happy.If my husband asks me not to do something,I would rather listen to him instead of saying I'm not your property or something.If the task is unavoidable,I'd try to explain to him but if he still doesn't agree then we will discuss together that I should rather quit on my job.:blushkiss
    Truth is high,higher still is truthful living
  5. by   pagandeva2000
    Quote from TexasAngel
    From my reading, someone used a scripture and appeared out of context, while someone else knowing the scripture pointed it out. That's how it came into the thread.
    Thanks for the clarity, TexasAngel:wink2:
    I saw it, and I brought it up because I felt that the subject may not be of a spiritual nature to the OP and the spouse, and if it was, it may not be of the OP's particular spiritual practice or culture. Some religions favor the man as being the dominant figure in the relationship, while others don't, and then, there are also atheists, who would not value scripture at all. There is a nurse at my job that passes pamplets to both, patients and staff, and her recent 'mission' is to convince people that they should not 'shack' up, but should be married. While she may perceive her actions to be helpful, most of us were offended (and she made many patients, even those that did follow her religion extremely uncomfortable because it was like she was judging them), because unless the patient or employee sought out this type of information, soliciting personal religious and person philosphies (as so stated in nursing school), have no place in the work setting. It may have been a cultural reason why this gentleman believed that she should not bathe people in her profession or classroom setting.
  6. by   pagandeva2000
    [QUOTE=Princess74]I am really surprised that so many of you were unaware that students practice bed baths as well as other skills on each other. It's the norm in most schools now, at least it is at the schools in my area.

    The reason why I am surprized is that the programs I was involved in for nursing assistant and nursing school used mannequins, and many of my friends that attended other nursing schools also did the same. I can say for me and maybe for others that because we were not taught that way, with each other...it is hard to imagine.
  7. by   jmgrn65
    I can't believe all the people that have said I won't do baths on fellow students I would Quit first, Well then maybe you should get out now, because this is the least of what you will be put thourgh as a student and a nurse. You will need to get of your comfort zone alot.
    First of all there is a very good reason baths are done on each other, it is so you will understand what the patient FEELS.
    Secondally You don't give full bed baths and still have clothes on, such a bathing suit or shorts and tank top.
    Ok so maybe I was being a little harsh but lets face it if everytime you have to do something as simple as this and the immediate response is I will quit, your are going to be quiting alot.
  8. by   ZASHAGALKA
    I did present a religious viewpoint but it wasn't in response to the OP, but in response to a post that discussed the other responses here in terms of religion. My point was 2-fold: to debate the particular argument at hand at that point in the thread AND to provide an alternate POV for the OP.

    I don't think the goal was/is to convert anybody. But for example: I said that I believe that Jealousy is as equal a crime as Adultery and somebody else pointed out that it was silly to equate the two. I disagree: both are violations of the fidelity of a relationship - one a violation of keeping trust, and one a violation of giving trust. Simply put, jealousy is unfaithful behavior.

    Now, from MY viewpoint, that is consistent with my religious, or if you will, spiritual beliefs. While the OP might have any religion under the sun, or NONE, I think it IS relevant to point out that some at least understand that jealousy is something much more than trivial or reasonable behavior.

    To me, the solution is not telling the OP that she should just reason it out with her spouse and things will be OK. Jealousy doesn't reason. If it DID, it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Jealousy is irrational.

    The husband's behavior has been dismissed here out of hand in several post: 'just a little jealousy', 'maybe we don't understand the husband's true concerns', etc. No, a jealousy that rises to such a level as to demand that the dreams and goals of a partner must take a backseat to that jealousy is just as unfaithful as jealousy's accusation. It is unfaithful behavior.

    Adultery and Jealousy BOTH serve to attack the basic fidelity of a relationship. They both destroy the mutual fidelity of a relationship. Hence, they are both equal crimes.

    To my POV, this is not about a bedbath. It is about unfaithful behavior. We live in a physical world that focuses on the physical (adultery), but WE are ultimately spiritual creatures and the spiritual attacks (jealousy) on a partner can be oh so much more damaging.

    The OP needn't adopt my spiritual beliefs to consider the POV that the real issue here is much larger than a bed bath. That's my take, and while my religious views might augment my beliefs on the matter, those beliefs do stand on their own.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
  9. by   BlueEyedRN
    Quote from ZASHAGALKA
    To me, the solution is not telling the OP that she should just reason it out with her spouse and things will be OK. Jealousy doesn't reason. If it DID, it wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Jealousy is irrational.

    The husband's behavior has been dismissed here out of hand in several post: 'just a little jealousy', 'maybe we don't understand the husband's true concerns', etc. No, a jealousy that rises to such a level as to demand that the dreams and goals of a partner must take a backseat to that jealousy is just as unfaithful as jealousy's accusation. It is unfaithful behavior.

    Adultery and Jealousy BOTH serve to attack the basic fidelity of a relationship. They both destroy the mutual fidelity of a relationship. Hence, they are both equal crimes.
    .
    That is the same as saying that pinching someone on the arm and punching them in the face and breaking their nose are the same because they both constitue battery against someone. There are degrees. Grouping all jealousy under the blanket of unfaithfulness and irrationality is erroneous. Jealousy absolutely can be worked through. Saying that it cannot is denying the ability to ever change or become a better person. A person who cheats on their spouse can change their behavior and be forgiven when the reality of their crime is faced. Why can't a jealous person be given the same opportunity? So many people have said that this is just the first step and that he is going to end up being a domineering, abusive husband. Have you never taken a first step or even several steps in the wrong direction?? It is wrong to accuse someone of something that they have the potential to be, especially when you have no idea who they are.

    You cannot say that this kind of issue can't be worked through because I've done it and so have many people that I know. Your own perception does not encompass all truth. You do not know the facts and it is just as likely that he is incredibly supportive of his wife's career as it is that he is doing all he can to undermine it.
  10. by   Princess74
    I do not believe that he could be supportive of his wife's career, how could he be when he forbids her to do something that she must do to become a nurse. And to say that if she were in the hospital a male could not bathe her, that shows abusive behavior right there, that he would not "allow" another male to give his wife the care that she needs. Not only is it selfish, its childish and in my opinion it puts the OP in an abusive relationship.
  11. by   ZASHAGALKA
    Quote from BlueEyedRN
    That is the same as saying that pinching someone on the arm and punching them in the face and breaking their nose are the same because they both constitue battery against someone. There are degrees. Grouping all jealousy under the blanket of unfaithfulness and irrationality is erroneous. Jealousy absolutely can be worked through. Saying that it cannot is denying the ability to ever change or become a better person. A person who cheats on their spouse can change their behavior and be forgiven when the reality of their crime is faced. Why can't a jealous person be given the same opportunity? So many people have said that this is just the first step and that he is going to end up being a domineering, abusive husband. Have you never taken a first step or even several steps in the wrong direction?? It is wrong to accuse someone of something that they have the potential to be, especially when you have no idea who they are.

    You cannot say that this kind of issue can't be worked through because I've done it and so have many people that I know. Your own perception does not encompass all truth. You do not know the facts and it is just as likely that he is incredibly supportive of his wife's career as it is that he is doing all he can to undermine it.
    By the time jealousy rises to the level that it places itself above a mate's career, it is no longer a 'pinch'; it is just as gut-punching and nose-breaking as adultery itself. This isn't the first step, it's the touchdown stretch.

    I never said it couldn't be forgiven, in equal measure with adultery. I just said that it was, in fact, an equal measure. Adultery isn't forgiven with a mere apology. In order to work through adultery, an entire range of mis-steps have to be not only taken back, but made amends. I equate jealousy on that SAME page. Without a contrite rebuilding of the fidelity of such a relationship, just like adultery, jealousy destroys such relationships.

    It CAN be worked through, but just like adultery, that entails much more than 'reasoning it out'. It involves regret for the behavior and a dedicated attempt not to repeat such behavior.

    To me, it's not a matter of this 'ending up being domineering'. Demanding that jealousy is more important than participating in the non-sexual requirements of a partner's education IS domineering. And such a priority on jealousy OVER a partner's career is proof enough that that partner is NOT supportive of the career choice. Or at least, that support takes a backseat to jealousy.

    I agree that there are degrees. But adultery is a physical crime and jealousy is a spiritual crime. By my ranking, spiritual crimes are more hurtful - and more destructive to a relationship.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
    Last edit by ZASHAGALKA on Oct 9, '06
  12. by   LuvsdolphinsRN
    I think your husband needs to be told about your job. I have lost count of how many naked bodies I have seen in my 20++++ yrs of practice. I have NEVER seen one that made my heart jump and would not think of crossing the line of boundaries that is included in the oath that we take when we become licensed as an RN. Maybe you could approach it from that stand point with your husband so he will understand what it means to be a professional in the health field. I hope this advice helps.
  13. by   tthiels
    As a male nurse, I can sort of sympathize wit what he is feeling but would rather punch him in the arm and tell him that you are not going to date this lab partner. I have worked i the OR setting for twenty years now and as I have told my patients, "I know more about your anatomy than you do."

    He is being a stubborn jack... and needs to lose the blinders. Going through nursing school, I was priveleged to have classmates that were upp to speed with the fact that they would eventually have to do the activity with real patients who were of the opposite sex. It did not cause a problem then and shouldn't now.

    Get him to volunteer as your patient for that training evolution. Most instructors are more than happy to have that happen in order to resolve the stress already on the student.

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