How can I be more supportive to my girlfriend in nursing school?

llg, PhD, RN · Oct 30, 2014

I'm going to be honest with you ... I have my doubts about the strength/length of this relationship. 2 people have to be willing to work hard to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound as if your girlfriend is willing/able to do that. As you said in your original post, "She attempted several relationships while in school in the past, all failing because the man involved could not deal with her schedule." I don't buy that. When 1 relationship doesn't work out, it might be 100% the other person's fault. But when several relationships don't work out -- that's too much of a pattern. She is part of the problem and in denial about it.

The stress of school -- and of a nursing career -- can bring out the worst in some people. But a strong person and a strong relationship can survive. It happens every day. There are millions of nurses in successful marriages. It's just the people in troubled relationships that make threads on the Internet. If you girlfriend hasn't been able to make a go of it with several different men, I think you should wise up and realize that her attitudes/behaviors/etc. are a big part of the problem.

Stop blaming yourself and thinking that "if only you could do a better job," everything would be OK. Tell her you NEED to talk about the relationship and address your issues and make some changes. If she is not willing to work at the relationship with you -- get out now, before your life becomes too entangled with hers and before the child becomes too attached to you.

Right now, she is using school as an excuse to avoid working on the relationship. When she graduates, it will be the stress of job hunting and orientation that will be her excuse. Then it will be the stress of her job. It won't end. There will always be stress and she needs to acknowledge that in order to have a relationship and/or any kind of decent life, she needs to learn to deal with that stress in ways that don't push people away. Until she does that, she will not have a happy life and neither will her anyone she lives with -- because the stress won't end at graduation.

My advice is to try 1 more time to get her to address the problems you have in your relationship. Suggest counseling if appropriate. But don't invest years of work and emotion trying to establish a long-term relationship with someone who isn't willing to try to make it work with you. You sound like a good man who deserves to be treated better.

dorkypanda · Oct 30, 2014

I am thinking that you both are in your mid to late twenties or possibly 30's since you're living together.

i am glad to hear that you are putting in real efforts to try to make her days easier and it seems like you are trying. I can get the sense that you are a man when it comes to taking care of someone and giving their all in relationships. if you are cooking, doing chores and all that, You are doing all that you want to and volunteer to do :up:

Nursing school as you can see is quite overwhelming perhaps she has little to no energy when it comes to the romantic relationship you two are in.. I hope it's not a case of taking someone for granted too(?).

If you're worried about your relationship with her, I'd say try to find the right time to have a real talk with her when she isn't having an exam . If you feel like what you have is worth fighting for then don't give up even though she may be seeming a little distant. Could it be that she is super stressed out and putting the relationship in the back burner ?

im not sure but I could imagine if someone was in NS they would spend most of their time studying and doing homework,so they couldn't hang out with their significant other all the time like they used to. It is possible to maybe see each other once in a while though and communicate on a weekly basis via Skype, texting on the phone to keep the romance alive. The other person probably feels like they need to adjust to their infrequent hangouts, and less call time on the phone and etc.

I feel like you are doing a good job. Maybe she just needs to cool down and have a little space to do her thing? I think you should continue doing what you have been doing and just be the sweet and respectful man like you always have been to her despite her becoming cold.. Be there for her like you have been this whole time. don't lose sight of the end goal that is if you still want to be with her. you can support her by being by her side whenever she needs you. if she needs alone time or space then allow her to have it.

perhaps you feel like you're putting in a lot of effort into maintaining this relationship and she on hone other hand is decreasing efforts? I'm not sure if she's decreasing due to school stress or it's a combination of school stress and something else.

have you guys tried doing an at home date night where you do something special or nice for her? This is a really sweet thing to do once in awhile if you could.

If school is making her stressed out and acting like this I hope it does change after she graduates. However is she in an adn or BSN program? if she's in adn she may have to continue schooling till she gets her BSN if she wants.

Overall I believe you being yourself the best man you are is a great effort. keep loving her and treating her well.

SnowballDVM · Oct 30, 2014

I have to say I agree with llg. You sound like a great guy, and the fact that you sought out a nurses' forum to ask your questions shows that you are thoughtful and considerate. I'd say incredibly thoughtful and considerate.

But I am afraid this may be a situation where you are better off without each other. You each have a lot on your plates...don't minimize your long commute and adjusting to a new job, not to mention retiring from the military. YOU have a lot going on just as your GF does, but YOU'RE not using your job as a reason to avoid talking about your relationship, whereas she appears to be using nursing school to do so.

You also both jumped into living together very quickly, maybe a bit too quickly given everything else that is going on in both your lives. Now she tells you that you annoy her, and she'd rather scroll through her Facebook feed than talk to you. Counselling might help, it might not, but it's worth a try. You DO deserve to be treated better, and your current GF may not be interested in doing that.

Good luck, I hope that things work out well for all three of you.

TLizS · Oct 30, 2014

I agree with llg too......If you are really putting in all of the effort you say you are and actually seeking out a place to get real advice (from a flipping nursing forum!) and getting nothing back from her then she is really losing out on a good guy.

Had she ever really lived with someone she was in a relationship with before this? THAT was a huge adjustment for me...when my (Then boyfriend...now husband) moved in together I had never lived with anyone like that......and at first there were a LOT of things that annoyed the crap out of me....I was YOUNG...I was 19 when we moved in together and 20 when we got married...I wasn't good at compromising or sharing my space.....and he wasn't good at giving me my space....it took us awhile to learn how to live together. For your sake I am hoping it's a combination of the stress of school and learning to live with someone. I hope that she will come around but it won't happen without some REAL communication. You need to tell her you need to have a REALLY REALLY real talk about the relationship. You will have to find a good time when she isn't trying to study for an exam (which is hard to find in nursing school but sounds more like she is using it as an excuse). She will either step up and realize what she is doing and what she is going to lose or she won't....but IMO it's better to do this before you are more invested in this relationship.

I also agree that several relationships not working out "because of nursing school" should be a red flag. People have successful relationships through school ALL THE TIME....and having several fail says she isn't ready and willing to do what SHE needs to do to make it work.

I hope you find what you need...either with her or without but don't sacrifice years of happiness for a relationship when the other person has no interest in working on it. Life will still be stressful and hard when nursing school is over and if this is how she is going to deal with those stresses maybe she isn't ready to handle a real relationship

RunBabyRN · Oct 30, 2014

First, I agree with the above posters. You are doing what you can to make this work, and she's stomping all over it. You deserve to get something positive out of this, too. Yes, nursing school is EXTREMELY stressful and can make people tense and short, but this is totally unfair to you.

Next, moving in together out of convenience is ALWAYS a recipe for disaster. Convenience is NOT a reason to move in together, and now you are seeing the consequences of this. Moving in together should be because you WANT to, that's where your relationship is, etc. Not because it's easier. Rarely is the easier path the right path.

Has she had ANY success with long term relationships? What's the story with the 4 year-old's dad? I agree with llg's comment about her being the common thread in these failing relationships. Plenty of people are in or start relationships during nursing school. Sometimes they don't work out, but that's more about the natural course of the relationship than about school.

I also agree that there will always be an excuse. Once she graduates, she'll be studying for the NCLEX, then waiting for the results, and in that same time, starting the job search, then working her first job. All of these are very stressful!

You deserve to be happy, and I don't foresee that happening in this relationship.

Good luck!

msgtpick · Oct 30, 2014

Thank you all for the kind words.

She is in a BSN program and had a previous marriage that ended in divorce a couple years ago. I do know part of the reason for divorce, aside from infidelity on his part, was that he was extremely unsupportive of her going to school. I didn't want to be that guy, since she claimed others she tried to date following her divorce had the same attribute. But I see what you all are saying about maybe it was her and not them. She's admitted to me before that she was just waiting for me to do the same after a night a month ago I confessed that I had been questioning our relationship based on her inability to commit to it fully. She's also already extremely independent and I know that can be off-putting to a lot of men. She seems convinced she will revert back to how she was during the summer off, after graduation, but I fear the relationship will be too badly damaged by then. During the few times I have communicated my concerns I was met with little input from her and a feeling that I was slamming her with more stress and worry on top of everything else. I made a commitment and intend to stick it out.

I have gone to place of more understanding and patience but still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. I hate that, and that cannot last. Unfortunately we just recently signed a one year lease together. I knew my options beforehand and could've gotten out of the relationship at any time. I feel like I made my choice and now I have to see it through. At least until post graduation and see how things go after that (allowing transition time into a new job).

Of course the thought has crossed my mind that she uses school (even though I know it is very stressful and she has spent time in her professor's offices crying while venting in frustration) as a cop-out and is avoiding real feelings of fear of commitment. I know everyone deals with stress differently. She may not have the skills to adequately deal with all her stress (school, finances, her child, her relationship with me, and everyday life) and that may be why she has difficulty even sleeping at night (although she would never admit it). I know it sounds like I am making excuses for her. And maybe I am because it easier to believe that, than the alternative.

I know things will work out for me one way or another. I thank you all again for the responses and the advice; it is greatly appreciated.

TLizS · Oct 30, 2014

Thank you all for the kind words.
She is in a BSN program and had a previous marriage that ended in divorce a couple years ago. I do know part of the reason for divorce, aside from infidelity on his part, was that he was extremely unsupportive of her going to school. I didn't want to be that guy, since she claimed others she tried to date following her divorce had the same attribute. But I see what you all are saying about maybe it was her and not them. She's admitted to me before that she was just waiting for me to do the same after a night a month ago I confessed that I had been questioning our relationship based on her inability to commit to it fully. She's also already extremely independent and I know that can be off-putting to a lot of men. She seems convinced she will revert back to how she was during the summer off, after graduation, but I fear the relationship will be too badly damaged by then. During the few times I have communicated my concerns I was met with little input from her and a feeling that I was slamming her with more stress and worry on top of everything else. I made a commitment and intend to stick it out.
I have gone to place of more understanding and patience but still feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. I hate that, and that cannot last. Unfortunately we just recently signed a one year lease together. I knew my options beforehand and could've gotten out of the relationship at any time. I feel like I made my choice and now I have to see it through. At least until post graduation and see how things go after that (allowing transition time into a new job).
Of course the thought has crossed my mind that she uses school (even though I know it is very stressful and she has spent time in her professor's offices crying while venting in frustration) as a cop-out and is avoiding real feelings of fear of commitment. I know everyone deals with stress differently. She may not have the skills to adequately deal with all her stress (school, finances, her child, her relationship with me, and everyday life) and that may be why she has difficulty even sleeping at night (although she would never admit it). I know it sounds like I am making excuses for her. And maybe I am because it easier to believe that, than the alternative.
I know things will work out for me one way or another. I thank you all again for the responses and the advice; it is greatly appreciated.

I can say she is lucky to have someone who cares enough to work so hard when she doesn't seem to care about the relationship. I hope that things work out for the two of you...relationships are hard even when 2 people are giving their all...I hope she realizes how blessed she is to have someone as self sacrificing and caring as you in her life and willing to hang on through all of these and give it a try