On the Edge

[wannabecnl]

Today is my first day of nursing school. God willing, 16 months from now I will be an RN, and in two sure-to-be-short-despite-feeling-endless-now years, I will be a clinical nurse leader.

What the heck am I thinking???

I can't do this! I can't! I'm almost forty, for goodness' sake! I have two little kids, a husband, a messy house, and a clingy dog. How am I supposed to pull this off???

OK, OK, calm down. I am not the oldest in my class (though far, far from the youngest). The kids are in school; they already think I lie around doing nothing all day while they're gone, so maybe they won't notice that the house is even messier than usual. My husband is supportive so far, though I'm already getting nervous about the laundry being gray and how we'll ever have five minutes to talk. And the dog... well, the dog is going to have to adjust.

School. Full-time. I love school. I'm good at school; I know I can do the school part. The professors are dynamic, my colleagues are brilliant, interesting people, and the program teaches exactly what I want to learn.

But nursing. Can I do it? Can I walk into a room and stick a needle in someone I've never met? Can I react quickly enough to be of help instead of just being in the way? Can I look someone in the eye and honestly tell him I'm going to be taking care of him? ME?

Sure, lots of people are nurses. Millions, actually. They all survived nursing school and doing the work and sticking needles into strangers. They all had to walk into that room for the first time, look that patient in the eye, and mean it when they said they could help.

But some of them aren't very good! And others are just mediocre, marking time until they can retire or move on to another department. I don't want to be a mediocre nurse. I really don't want to be a lousy nurse. The ones who don't know how to place an IV and don't have the guts to ask for help. The ones who sashay into the room of a woman in hard labor who has been begging for an epidural, and proclaim it "more natural this way". The ones who don't like what they do, who have lost the vision and joy of what they do. The ones that just don't care anymore.

I want to care! I want to be a perfect nurse, and that is impossible. I want to enjoy every minute of it, and that is also impossible. Are my expectations too high? Is that why I'm so terrified?

Or am I just standing on the edge, scared to step off because right now, from where I'm standing, I can't see that it's not an edge but the border of a whole new land?

[twister431]

i KNOW JUST WHAT YOUR SAYING i'M jUMPING TOO

[armywifeRN]

Can't help but wonder how school is going so far? Please post and let us know how you're holding up )

Dream, Believe, Achieve

[luvRNs, BSN, MSN, RN]

How wonderful !! As a former nursing instructor, you were the kind of student I dreamed about! What it takes is the will to see it through, to accept the pain along the way as well as the triumphs, and to never forget WHY you chose nursing.

As a nurse for 41 years, I have ALWAYS felt privledged to do what I did. Along with suffering, you see the heroism of people in facing the unimagineable. You ease patients and their transition to death, and save others from a precipitous end. Who else 'lives' such a meaningful life?? Only the select few lucky enough to choose this wonderful profession :hrnsmlys:

[Btrfli BSN-LMT]

All thru my career in healthcare, (CNA, LPN, RN, BSN), I have never had a grant, student loan, or even much support from my family. The only thing that was constant was my drive and determination. I will always remember as a tot saying ' I want to be A NURSE" I am still greatful for choosing that career path, and I still enjoy what I do. You can do whatever you desire regardless of at hand or unforeseen obstacles. RN=DRIVE AND DETERMINATION:specs: !!

[p324l]

I too didn't return to school until I was in my late 30's. I had been an LPN for 15years and at the time there was much talk about getting rid of LPNs and only having RNs, the start of primary care nursing. It was tough, but certainly glad I did it. Going through a divorce and the loss of my last husband I've never had to worry about having a job. It's made be very self sufficient. Nursing has certainly changed over the years, sorry to say for the worst. With changes in the payment systems it has become all about the dollar. It saddens me to see it change the way nurses have to practice, the focus should not always be about the money, but quality of care. My hopes are that if we have more caring dedicated nurses concerned about the quality of care maybe changes can be made. We all need to stick together to make the change. Hang in there..we need you!!

[katlu54]

You can do this, just take one day at a time. I become a nurse @ 48 yrs old. It was the hardest but one of the MOSt rewarding things I ever done in my life ( my children taking #1). I've never regretted a second of it.

One of the things that kept me going was I didn't want my kids to see me give up. I wanted them to see though, that I took something that I always wanted to do, despite my age and the difficulty, the stress and struggles qnd I made It happen. I like to believe that as they observed how I perservered then I more or less left them an ideal path to follow.

There will be moments that you'll want to quit, but you won't. moments you're so exhausted you want to just sleep, but you can't. there will be moments that you just can't look at another page of medical jargon or write another care plan, or take another test, but you will.

Why?

Because for every difficult moment there is a reward. IE; Seeing a brain injury patient who was given last rites on his arrival three months earlier, go to rehab for an additional 3 months and return to your unit on his prom night with his date supporting him on one arm and his cane supporting him on the other. He cries as he Thanks all of you for his recovery, which we humbly accept, since he did all the hard work. But as he turns and walks away you can't help but feel proud that you can put a stamp of credit on his life. This is just one REWARD mentioned for all the "quit moments" I faced. in fact if I think about it, I'm sure my REWARDS out number my "quit moments".

I'm also pretty sure others will agree and have some pretty awesome REWARD stories as well.

Just look in the mirror every morning and say, " I can do this, because I will make it through one more day, which will bring me one day closer to being what I am MEANT to be.......A NURSE.

I believe in you, now you JUST have to believe in yourself!

[Dorito, ASN, RN]

You can do it! I did and I had a small daughter, a dog and a husband who became disabled after a fall during my schooling. Graduating as an RN was still one of the smartest things I ever did and you won't regret it! GO FOR IT MAMA~

[wannabecnl]

Well, I'm starting week 9 of my direct entry masters of nursing program. Since I wrote "On the Edge," several people have asked how it's going, and I wanted to answer you.

Here's the thing: until last week, I still didn't know what to think. Not of school; with very few exceptions, I love what I'm learning, and I looked forward to every day of class eagerly. I didn't have to push myself to do my homework, and my grades have reflected my interest and work ethic.

But last week was the first day of clinical. I was very anxious about it; my lab performance was okay, but I knew it wasn't the same. Even at the orientation the day before we started, I wasn't sure how it was going to be. I said to my husband that I hoped I didn't stink at it, and I really hoped I didn't hate it. He pointed out that they could fix the first problem, but not necessarily the second.

Well, on the first point, I did fine. Not brilliant; I forgot some things and probably made a pest of myself with the nurse whose patient I was assigned. But on the second point? Let me put it this way: despite tomorrow being my favorite class at school, I wish I could just skip it and cut straight to clinical again. I cannot wait to get back to the bedside.

Honestly, I NEVER expected that to be my reaction. I figured I'd like it enough, would have to tolerate the icky stuff long enough to pass, start doing research, and work surgery or something a little more sanitized and a little less "real" than med-surg. And I need to disclose that my first patient was pretty easy; some of my colleagues had a much rougher night than I did. But easy or not, the patient was ill, needed help with things, needed the bed changed, was incontinent, etc., and it was fine. More than fine, really; I actually enjoyed doing my tasks. I felt like I was really helping someone. For some reason, when I do these things for my kids, I get frustrated because I think they should be doing it themselves, and I know that day will come (probably this week, after I've written all of this) when I have a patient who is ungrateful, unruly, and much more unsanitary than this one, and I'll wonder why he or she can't do it without my help.

I know nursing is hard, frustrating, and at times unrewarding. For now, let me bask in the joy that came last week at that patient's bedside, when I realized that nursing is exactly where I'm supposed to be.