I'm a nineteen years old college student who started the BSN program in January. I chose nursing because I love helping people (although I'm an introvert) even though I am putting myself at "risk". I managed to get past the first semester with mediocre grades (Bs) although most of the time, I was not confident in my knowledge. I know that first semester is supposed to be based on theory work and nothing exciting, but it made me question my choice of education. Even the two day visit in the hospital did nothing much for me since I was assigned to a diabetes clinic. I was never hospitalized in my life, and never had any experiences with bed side care.
I started second semester this month for a week, but then I couldn't make myself start on any homework, and I was blanking out through most of the classes. The reason why I made myself register for second semester was to see what clinical practices was like. I never got to go since I "dropped out" (being placed on a hold list) before they started. It wasn't the anxiety of practicum, but the lack of motivation for school work. Our program has a system where instructors for each class have their own website to post files, links, assignment drop box, and even a forum. I felt that I couldn't keep up because we constantly had to check for any additional information.
I am still taking one course, criminology, to use as an elective for fourth semester nursing just in case I decide to go back. To tell you the truth, I was looking forward to my criminology classes than my nursing classes! During my crim classes, I never yawned, and I was extremely alert throughout the three hours (4:30-7:30!). I wouldn't say that criminology is now my field of interest, but it was successful in engaging me.
Did I mention that I was Asian? When my parents heard that I dropped out of the program that I CHOSE (initally, my dad wanted me to do kinesiology or science in an university), they practically went nuts. My mom struggled, but she's come to accept that I needed some time off. However, my dad couldn't accept my decision and we would argue everyday. He would now tell me to do massage therapy and then become an acupuncturist (by moving to the States!), or ECE, or even kinesiology again. All he cares about is money and a stable job. I know that reality makes that a priority, but all he cares about are extrinsic interests.
I researched other jobs, and I'm a bit interested in esthetics. However, I feel guilty that I'm turning away a career I initially wanted (that helps people in NEED), and towards a career that is almost opposite of my initial purpose (that helps people who WANTS to be pampered). It's a job that is not in high demand, and it usually pays significantly lower. To make it even worse, I don't know if I'll react to it like I did for nursing! I don't even know what my passion is before I withdrew!
I don't know what to do. I was thinking about volunteering at a hospital to see if my mind will change (which I should have done ages ago), and my dad got ****** off and said that I should work (because I would even be making money). My family has a low income, so I sort of understand how they feel. My dad sacrificed his good job overseas to move our family here, and now that my parents are struggling to work for me and my siblings' benefit, we dismiss it. My younger brother is a delinquent who is supposed to be in grade 12 this year, but dropped out of school by himself to work in a warehouse (caught up on consumerism). My older brother is doing okay in co-op, but he has Asberger's. We are constantly compared to others who immigrated long after us who are now in dental hygiene, or other esteemed careers. I feel like I let my parents and myself down.
Sometimes I tell myself that life's supposed to be full of mistakes that we make in order to mature, but then arguments and talks with my parents would just bring me down again. I hate that the world revolves around money. If it wasn't for money, I would explore as many options as I want, and maybe even go back to nursing without the guilt of wasting tuition (although much time would have passed). As you might already know, I tend to be an idealist, not a realist. Maybe I didn't go though hardships where reality slaps me back in line.
I know that people can only give me suggestions, but I'm the one who makes the choices. But I still don't know what to do.
