How To Deal With My Fear of Confrontation

[Magsulfate]

Okay, here's the deal. I have a problem confronting people. I am a very nice person and for some reason it scares the hell out of me to think that I have to confront someone or set someone straight.

Here's what happened..... I have been the charge nurse/house supervisor of this med/surg unit for a while. I wasn't suppose to have this job when I started working here, I was suppose to be in ICU, but that's another story. There is an LVN that works with me who, I think, is upset that she is not the charge nurse. She is smart but has problems focusing and doing her work in a timely manner. She might have ADHD, who knows. I don't care. Anyway, the other day I was talking to a member of our management (it was a meeting sort of) and she comes in the room to tell me that she has been doing ALL MY WORK for me ALL DAY and that she can never find me and that I was not doing my job.

Now, she has NEVER came to me with this before, and she has NEVER asked me for help. I am busy ALL DAY helping the nurses that ask me for help.. I can't read your mind and if I ask you if you need help everyday for a month and you never need help.. you seem to function well on your own,,, then I will leave you alone and help the nurses that ask me for help. I take pride in my work and try my best to be there for all of the nurses. I told her in front of this manager that I had been helping nurses all day, drawing blood, pushing IV meds, wiping poop, etc.. and that maybe if I wasn't at the desk it was because I was helping the other nurses... I am not a float nurse, I also have other charge responsibilities too... like this meeting for example.

Then she leaves the room. I look at the manager and she says to me that she knows that I bust my butt up there and not to worry about it. By then my face was red and I was sooo upset.

Anyway, the next day, more than one person came to me and told me that she was talking to everyone at the desk about me. About how I am always gone and never help anyone, that I am a bad charge nurse etc... She was doing this ALL DAY, with case managers, and even a doctor. So,, I was SOOO MAD when I heard this...

I wanted to pull her into a room and ask her just what her deal was, but I couldn't get the courage up to do it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? Why can't I confront her and make her realize that what she is doing is counter productive and unprofessional to say the least?

I need some advice on how to make myself fix this. I am looking for another job, not really because of this, but because of so many other reasons... But, I still need to figure out how I can get past my fear of confrontation.

[johnst10]

Practice, Practice, Practice. That is the only way to ever be more comfortable. I don't think I will ever be like some of my collegues who just take you in the corner and gently tell you what is up. Practicing what you would like to say first does help iron out some of the responses.

And, don't take her excuses because that is what they are. I had a Dr. tell me once excuses are like *********, everybody has one and none of them are pretty. (I was grossed out but have never forgotten it!)

[shoegalRN, RN]

I want you to know I was just like you. I hate confortation, but I know it must be done at some point or another.

Like you, I was raised by a mother who made it hard to express myself, due to her chronic depression. I could not tell her how I felt for a very long time, so I grew up being the "peace maker" and trying not to rock the boat.

I spent 14 years in corporate, dealing with abusive customers and I found it to be very liberating to stand up for myself and tell an irate customer you will NOT disrespect me or talk to me that way.

I had a situation when I was a Nurse Intern where I had to confront a RN. She was upset about something I did, and instead of coming directly to me like a grown woman, she went crying (literally) to the charge nurse. I got pulled into the office for something so innocent that was taken the wrong way.

I requested a meeting with the RN, myself, and the charge nurse to clear the air. The charge nurse refused and said to me "don't worry about it, just avoid her and continue to do your job". That didnt sit well with me because I don't like conflict and confusion, or drama. The RN then proceeded to talk bad about me to other RN's on the floor.

So, I side swiped her. I approached her so nicely, pulled her to the side, told her I'd appericate it if she had anything she wanted to get off her chest to speak directly to me. I told her we can clear the air right now. She looked flustered and then apologized to me. I left it at that.

This is how I handle confortation. I prefer to side swipe them when they least expect it. Make no mistake, I'm as nice and sweet as I wanna be, and I make them think it's a normal conversation. I don't raise my voice or show emotions. I put it out on the table and get my point across. It's worked for me so far.

Maybe you need to approach this woman when she least expect it, pull her to the side and ask her in the nicest way possible is there something she needs to get off her chest. If she says no, then YOU proceed to tell her YOU would like to clear the air and clear up any misunderstandings.

Good luck to you!

[DeepFriedRN]

yeesh I know how you feel. I was raised by the same type of parents (not physical, but..) So I had the tendency to get teary when I was worked up about something and had to confront it, even if I wasn't sad but really mad! Needless to say I never confronted anyone, it felt like they would win or something if I did. Eventually what I figured out for myself was that I just had to stay calm, and be as absolutely rational as I could, and just not allow them to get me worked up. Every time I felt myself getting worked up, (you know, heart starts racing, blood rushing to the face) I'd stop, close my eyes and take a super deep breath. Usually calmed me, but I bet the other person thought I was psycho LOL.. But it worked, and it gets easier.

That said, I kinda agree with Virgo. You're letting her win by letting her into your head. I'd also guess if she talks about you like that, she talks about others, and by now has established her reputation as a backbiter/gossip.

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

THank you all for the advice.. I have talked to my husband and we did a little skit.. lol it was funny.. but it DID help. I feel like I really can't let this slide because she will keep doing it.

While I work really hard and keep organized, she doesn't give her 9am meds until 12 and by 4pm she is so flustered and overwhelmed that she starts getting her patients confused and gives the wrong treatment to the patient...and she won't ask for help.. and she won't let me help her. Honestly I think it is because she doesn't KNOW what I should do for her.. it's crazy, I can't explain it...

Anyway, I just feel like I wouldn't be doing myself justice by ignoring it because it will continue.