Guilty for pursuing a nursing career

[outonalimb]

Hello nurse community,

It is with some embarrassment that I share this but I was wondering if anybody else has experienced this as a student nurse.

I have always struggled with insecurity and a lack of confidence in my abilities. Most people do not see this but I know it's there. It's not that I'm hiding it. It is just that I see no benefit in advertising this quality, even though eventually people will be able to figure it out. Despite the fact that I am a somewhat intelligent person and do well in school and learn well from others, somehow I carry with me a nagging belief that I possess some kind of fatal flaw that will surface under the stress of the exact situations where such a flaw could be the most detrimental or dangerous.

I became interested in nursing school for the same reasons that most other people are: to help people and to understand the science of the body in a practical way. However, when I enrolled in nursing school I needed to go against my irrational belief system that I will somehow find a way to fail or cause harm. At first, as I learned and gained more experience on the nursing floor, my confidence did grow somewhat and I started to feel better about my future. Maybe I could conquer these negative attitudes.

After completing most of my bachelor in nursing program (

{What kind of mistakes am I talking about? Putting a wrong answer on a test when I know better, failing to anticipate a problem in a class case study assignment, forgetting that a medication is due at 10 AM and having be reminded by my preceptor, forgetting to use a sterile procedure when changing the dressing on a wound on a diabetic's foot, failing to check the exact dosage on a blister pack because it looks exactly the same as every other medication in the same drawer .....)

I feel so guilty for thinking I should ever bear the title of an RN. It is as if my conscience is telling me that for the good of sick people everywhere I should ensure they never run across my path.

On a rational level this seems ludicrous. I have a chance to use all my education for the good of my community and my world. Does it make sense to just throw all that away and serve french fries? Does it make sense to just throw away the incredible amount of money and time that I have invested in this? I would end up in debtor's prison. But then I think I'd rather be in debtor's prison than in criminal's prison for killing someone. I'd also rather be there than be free and have to bear this load of guilt for continuing to pursue a career that should have been short-circuited a long time ago.

It's getting to the point where I have almost completely lost my motivation to continue on and complete my degree. It's to the point where I think it would be a crime to accept a bachelor's degree from the school or even take the NCLEX. It's getting to the point where my greatest goal in life is to get a decent paying nursing job, and avoid accidentally or negligently killing somebody, long enough to pay off my debts. It is scary, but I feel as if I have already subconsciously resigned myself to the idea that eventually I will cause serious harm. I'm just hoping it will be later rather than sooner.

Is this any kind of attitude to have as a nurse? Can there possibly be a future that is a little better than daily misery and trepidation?

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

I had the exact same feelings, and made every one of those mistakes, plus more. I started nursing when I was 17, and you get through those initial bumps. Then you get new bumps. In a year you will know that you've learned and grown, but you will still feel overwhelmed, and still be learning. BUT, you will not be bored. Nursing is a job that allows you to keep growing, flipping burgers, not so much. What do you want in life?

[kool-aide, RN]

If you truly can't shake these feelings of anxiety, seek therapy.

[outonalimb]

Thank you for all your replies. You all have great advice from reminding me that nurses work as a team to sharing that such doubts may be expected from someone who is getting close to finishing.

While I may have intimated this in my initial post, I am not going to quit school at this point. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused and go on. Rather than feeling a sense of excitement about the possibilities for the future, all I feel is guilt. While this time in my education could be an occasion to think, "I am working really hard and I will work really hard. But I am looking forward to making a difference." Yet I am feeling ashamed of myself for pretending I could ever go into such career. Shame is such a destructive emotion and to think I'm feeling it for attempting to do something "good" that a lot of people do not have the resolve to complete.

There is a part of me that wants to tell this to whoever may interview me for a job. Of course no one would ever hire me, but maybe that's a good thing.

When I read my initial post it sure does seem like I need therapy, if not a hammer to the head. This attitude permeates almost everything I do. It already has poisoned much of my life by leading me to

a.) fail to pursue goals

b.) refuse positions of responsibility when offered

c.) step down from positions of responsibility voluntarily to allow someone, anyone, to take over for me. Why? Because I am convinced that no matter how well I prepare myself, the "fatal flaw" will surface at the worst possible moment and harm those in my care.

It does not matter how irrational this may seem based on actual evidence (yet I can always find evidence in my life to support it). I simply believe it's true at a very deep level.

I have talked to people about this in the past. I have gotten some similar replies but I've also heard "just get over it" or this:

"The reason you feel this way is because you are filled with pride. And I don't mean the good kind of pride. It's selfish pride. You have some kind of super-ideal image of yourself and you don't want to do anything to shatter it. You're so focused on the image that you can't see the people you may be able to help. You're more concerned about your reputation than anyone you may harm. "

Or "You just want to draw attention to yourself. If it was not this stress, you would find something else to stress about. You just aren't comfortable with life unless something is falling apart and you can moan about it."

They may not be this blunt but that's the bottom line nevertheless.

The thing is that even if they're right, I just end up feeling more guilt without being able to shake the initial guilt. I am willing to admit there is truth in what they say, however, I think there is more going that isn't so contrived on my part. The problem is I don't know where the alleged false humility leaves off and the underlying self-loathing kicks in. It's all such a blur.

I've struggled with this long enough to know that this "fatal flaw" belief is not just something I'm pulling out of my hat for attention. The social/sympathy "payout" is simply not worth the devastation this has caused in my life.

In an earlier post someone said I sound like a Virgo. Believe it or not, I'm a Leo: (from http://ezinearticles.com/?Leo-July-23---Aug-22---Profile&id=347930) “Leo is Fire to the core of the Sun! Fire brings a desire to create, innovate, and lead. The sign radiates mega-confidence.”

Go figure.

[greenfiremajick]

The sign right before Virgo, is Leo.....Sounds like that lion pride isn't keeping up w/you on the outside...Leos make wonderful leaders...Something else I'm picking up is that you're afraid someone's going to discover those secrets inside you...You know the ones..The ones that nobody else would ever guess about you otherwise they would never like you, believe in you, trust you, etc...

Guess what...EVERYONE has a LOT of inadequacies, fears, negative thoughts, secrets, etc. You are not alone in your self-doubts.....

Heroes get just as scared about what they are about to do, as the other guy. The difference is that they do it anyway, when they know it's the right thing to do.

Also sounds like you're afraid of success...Just as you start getting all that attention, etc (as is due every good Leo---) you freak out and run off stage...

Next time, close your eyes and keep walking, running, inching (whatever way you can do it) forward and see through what you've started, to the end!

Leos are such amazing people.....Just do it, with no excuses and no overthinking! And quit worrying about being overly embarrassed or feeling so naked and vulnerable when others turn to you....Use that time to shine, not shrink....

Oh and if your bday is anywhere between the 18th-22nd of Aug, then you're a Leo/Virgo....

I have faith in you....Shouldn't you, too?

The true worth of a man is not to be found in man himself, but in the colours and textures that come alive in others. Albert Schweitzer.

To me, this means your "worth" is not judged in how perfect you are, but in how you affect others....How much heart and soul you put into what you're doing....This business (and any other) is not about perfection....

I'm getting a little bossy here, but I know you need someone that will allow you to be as strong and magnificent as you really are, but also someone that will tell it to you straight....So I'm stepping down off the soapbox now and wishing you great success.

Thank you for all your replies. You all have great advice from reminding me that nurses work as a team to sharing that such doubts may be expected from someone who is getting close to finishing.

While I may have intimated this in my initial post, I am not going to quit school at this point. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused and go on. Rather than feeling a sense of excitement about the possibilities for the future, all I feel is guilt. While this time in my education could be an occasion to think, "I am working really hard and I will work really hard. But I am looking forward to making a difference." Yet I am feeling ashamed of myself for pretending I could ever go into such career. Shame is such a destructive emotion and to think I'm feeling it for attempting to do something "good" that a lot of people do not have the resolve to complete.

There is a part of me that wants to tell this to whoever may interview me for a job. Of course no one would ever hire me, but maybe that's a good thing.

When I read my initial post it sure does seem like I need therapy, if not a hammer to the head. This attitude permeates almost everything I do. It already has poisoned much of my life by leading me to

a.) fail to pursue goals

b.) refuse positions of responsibility when offered

c.) step down from positions of responsibility voluntarily to allow someone, anyone, to take over for me. Why? Because I am convinced that no matter how well I prepare myself, the "fatal flaw" will surface at the worst possible moment and harm those in my care.

It does not matter how irrational this may seem based on actual evidence (yet I can always find evidence in my life to support it). I simply believe it's true at a very deep level.

I have talked to people about this in the past. I have gotten some similar replies but I've also heard "just get over it" or this:

"The reason you feel this way is because you are filled with pride. And I don't mean the good kind of pride. It's selfish pride. You have some kind of super-ideal image of yourself and you don't want to do anything to shatter it. You're so focused on the image that you can't see the people you may be able to help. You're more concerned about your reputation than anyone you may harm. "

Or "You just want to draw attention to yourself. If it was not this stress, you would find something else to stress about. You just aren't comfortable with life unless something is falling apart and you can moan about it."

They may not be this blunt but that's the bottom line nevertheless.

The thing is that even if they're right, I just end up feeling more guilt without being able to shake the initial guilt. I am willing to admit there is truth in what they say, however, I think there is more going that isn't so contrived on my part. The problem is I don't know where the alleged false humility leaves off and the underlying self-loathing kicks in. It's all such a blur.

I've struggled with this long enough to know that this "fatal flaw" belief is not just something I'm pulling out of my hat for attention. The social/sympathy "payout" is simply not worth the devastation this has caused in my life.

In an earlier post someone said I sound like a Virgo. Believe it or not, I'm a Leo: (from http://ezinearticles.com/?Leo-July-23---Aug-22---Profile&id=347930) "Leo is Fire to the core of the Sun! Fire brings a desire to create, innovate, and lead. The sign radiates mega-confidence."

Go figure.

[MsApricot]

The level of guilt that you're feeling is really disproportionate to your problem... what you think of as your 'fatal flaw', others would think of as part of learning, since none of us are born knowing how to be a nurse. I urge you to see a counsellor, to help with your anxiety and self esteem. I can tell from the way you talk that you have the heart of a nurse, and that your worry stems from a deep desire to provide quality and compassionate care to people. It would be a shame if these feelings prevented you from enjoying what can potentially be a fruitful and fulfilling career.

[mazy]

I have talked to people about this in the past. I have gotten some similar replies but I've also heard "just get over it" or this:

"The reason you feel this way is because you are filled with pride. And I don't mean the good kind of pride. It's selfish pride. You have some kind of super-ideal image of yourself and you don't want to do anything to shatter it. You're so focused on the image that you can't see the people you may be able to help. You're more concerned about your reputation than anyone you may harm. "

Or "You just want to draw attention to yourself. If it was not this stress, you would find something else to stress about. You just aren't comfortable with life unless something is falling apart and you can moan about it."

They may not be this blunt but that's the bottom line nevertheless.

There is a difference between what people say, and what they mean, and what we hear. We are all just flawed, imperfect individuals stumbling and tripping and falling through life, some of us trying to get it right, some of us not caring, all of us screwing up, hurting ourselves, and sometimes hurting others. Life is messy and complicated. And you can find joy if you just learn how to embrace the good mess and move on past the bad stuff.

Please do not let other people define you and please do not hand your own empowerment over to others. If someone says these things to you, consider the source. People say stuff sometimes to hear themselves speak. The more complicated the situation, the more flippant ass-hattedness you are going to hear. It's known as trying to shut down a dialogue when someone feels uncomfortable with it and has nothing to do with your truth or any truth, only the feeling that they are trying to squirm out of the conversation that they can't handle.

I hope you can find some sense and peace, I really do. Like I said, I've been in your shoes.

[greenfiremajick]

There is a difference between what people say, and what they mean, and what we hear. We are all just flawed, imperfect individuals stumbling and tripping and falling through life, some of us trying to get it right, some of us not caring, all of us screwing up, hurting ourselves, and sometimes hurting others. Life is messy and complicated. And you can find joy if you just learn how to embrace the good mess and move on past the bad stuff.

Please do not let other people define you and please do not hand your own empowerment over to others. If someone says these things to you, consider the source. People say stuff sometimes to hear themselves speak. The more complicated the situation, the more flippant ass-hattedness you are going to hear. It's known as trying to shut down a dialogue when someone feels uncomfortable with it and has nothing to do with your truth or any truth, only the feeling that they are trying to squirm out of the conversation that they can't handle.

I hope you can find some sense and peace, I really do. Like I said, I've been in your shoes.

Love this line you wrote: "The more complicated the situation, the more flippant ass-hattedness you are going to hear." Ass-hattedness.....I see you make up your own language, as do I.......LOL

[nopainNurse]

I agree with the earlier suggestion to screen for depression. Very common thoughts/ patterns that exist with depression. Also look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, will help you to see which thoughts need to be "redirected" or "changed". Often it is realizing how of base our thoughts are that is the first step .... i.e. it was a little mistake, didn't hurt anyone, not everyone thinks you are a horrible nurse or whatever it is that you need to sort out.

I would highly recommend Feeling Good by Dr. Burns (available at most libraries and bookstores).

[outonalimb]

Thanks again for the advice, support, and tough words. I ordered the book Feeling Good by Dr. Burns and I will seek further counsel and keep moving forward. I have to.