outonalimb

Thanks again for the advice, support, and tough words. I ordered the book Feeling Good by Dr. Burns and I will seek further counsel and keep moving forward. I have to.

Thank you for all your replies. You all have great advice from reminding me that nurses work as a team to sharing that such doubts may be expected from someone who is getting close to finishing. While I may have intimated this in my initial post, I am not going to quit school at this point. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stay focused and go on. Rather than feeling a sense of excitement about the possibilities for the future, all I feel is guilt. While this time in my education could be an occasion to think, "I am working really hard and I will work really hard. But I am looking forward to making a difference." Yet I am feeling ashamed of myself for pretending I could ever go into such career. Shame is such a destructive emotion and to think I'm feeling it for attempting to do something "good" that a lot of people do not have the resolve to complete. There is a part of me that wants to tell this to whoever may interview me for a job. Of course no one would ever hire me, but maybe that's a good thing. When I read my initial post it sure does seem like I need therapy, if not a hammer to the head. This attitude permeates almost everything I do. It already has poisoned much of my life by leading me to a.) fail to pursue goals b.) refuse positions of responsibility when offered c.) step down from positions of responsibility voluntarily to allow someone, anyone, to take over for me. Why? Because I am convinced that no matter how well I prepare myself, the "fatal flaw" will surface at the worst possible moment and harm those in my care. It does not matter how irrational this may seem based on actual evidence (yet I can always find evidence in my life to support it). I simply believe it's true at a very deep level. I have talked to people about this in the past. I have gotten some similar replies but I've also heard "just get over it" or this: "The reason you feel this way is because you are filled with pride. And I don't mean the good kind of pride. It's selfish pride. You have some kind of super-ideal image of yourself and you don't want to do anything to shatter it. You're so focused on the image that you can't see the people you may be able to help. You're more concerned about your reputation than anyone you may harm. " Or "You just want to draw attention to yourself. If it was not this stress, you would find something else to stress about. You just aren't comfortable with life unless something is falling apart and you can moan about it." They may not be this blunt but that's the bottom line nevertheless. The thing is that even if they're right, I just end up feeling more guilt without being able to shake the initial guilt. I am willing to admit there is truth in what they say, however, I think there is more going that isn't so contrived on my part. The problem is I don't know where the alleged false humility leaves off and the underlying self-loathing kicks in. It's all such a blur. I've struggled with this long enough to know that this "fatal flaw" belief is not just something I'm pulling out of my hat for attention. The social/sympathy "payout" is simply not worth the devastation this has caused in my life. In an earlier post someone said I sound like a Virgo. Believe it or not, I'm a Leo: (from http://ezinearticles.com/?Leo-July-23---Aug-22---Profile&id=347930) “Leo is Fire to the core of the Sun! Fire brings a desire to create, innovate, and lead. The sign radiates mega-confidence.” Go figure.

Hello nurse community, It is with some embarrassment that I share this but I was wondering if anybody else has experienced this as a student nurse. I have always struggled with insecurity and a lack of confidence in my abilities. Most people do not see this but I know it's there. It's not that I'm hiding it. It is just that I see no benefit in advertising this quality, even though eventually people will be able to figure it out. Despite the fact that I am a somewhat intelligent person and do well in school and learn well from others, somehow I carry with me a nagging belief that I possess some kind of fatal flaw that will surface under the stress of the exact situations where such a flaw could be the most detrimental or dangerous. I became interested in nursing school for the same reasons that most other people are: to help people and to understand the science of the body in a practical way. However, when I enrolled in nursing school I needed to go against my irrational belief system that I will somehow find a way to fail or cause harm. At first, as I learned and gained more experience on the nursing floor, my confidence did grow somewhat and I started to feel better about my future. Maybe I could conquer these negative attitudes. After completing most of my bachelor in nursing program ( {What kind of mistakes am I talking about? Putting a wrong answer on a test when I know better, failing to anticipate a problem in a class case study assignment, forgetting that a medication is due at 10 AM and having be reminded by my preceptor, forgetting to use a sterile procedure when changing the dressing on a wound on a diabetic's foot, failing to check the exact dosage on a blister pack because it looks exactly the same as every other medication in the same drawer .....) I feel so guilty for thinking I should ever bear the title of an RN. It is as if my conscience is telling me that for the good of sick people everywhere I should ensure they never run across my path. On a rational level this seems ludicrous. I have a chance to use all my education for the good of my community and my world. Does it make sense to just throw all that away and serve french fries? Does it make sense to just throw away the incredible amount of money and time that I have invested in this? I would end up in debtor's prison. But then I think I'd rather be in debtor's prison than in criminal's prison for killing someone. I'd also rather be there than be free and have to bear this load of guilt for continuing to pursue a career that should have been short-circuited a long time ago. It's getting to the point where I have almost completely lost my motivation to continue on and complete my degree. It's to the point where I think it would be a crime to accept a bachelor's degree from the school or even take the NCLEX. It's getting to the point where my greatest goal in life is to get a decent paying nursing job, and avoid accidentally or negligently killing somebody, long enough to pay off my debts. It is scary, but I feel as if I have already subconsciously resigned myself to the idea that eventually I will cause serious harm. I'm just hoping it will be later rather than sooner. Is this any kind of attitude to have as a nurse? Can there possibly be a future that is a little better than daily misery and trepidation?