Today's just one of those days when I'm doubting my entire life. I feel down, I feel incompetent and I feel like I'm not improving. It's just one of those days when I'm looking inside myself, reexamining her, and viewing her from another perspective.
Today didn't start off bad. It started off like any other day. Me wanting a few more hours to sleep, but eager to get to clinicals/work (I'm a student). Being absent wasn't even an option. I like the work I do. I get there, I'm early, I wait for my instructor. I finished all my assignments for this class weeks in advanced and so all I really had to do was enjoy the experience of the work I do. That's all I ever really ask.
I get to clinicals, my instructor shows up, someone who was suppose to leave the floor is unable to do so and so I agree to take her place. "her place" involved moving around the hospital with another nurse. I guess that's where the slope began.
As I walked around the hospital, I began noticing all the "type A" people that work there, all the doctors in their suits and cell phones, the residents trying to seem important, the ones who were so business-like or "professional" and I just felt...disappointed. I felt sad. And i started wondering if this was really what I wanted. I chose this profession because of my desire to give of myself. It wasn't about the business side of things. I HATE business. And I try to avoid it when I can. But sometimes I just feel like with my profession comes this status-oriented, business side of things that I've never been happy with. But I tried to bury that down. I have nothing to say. Words fail me. I'm shy.
I get back from this walk around the hospital, and I go to talk to my instructor for my evaluation and it was fine. I mean, I passed and it was nothing surprising. One thing stood out to me though and it was that I was asked, once again, to be more assuming in my role
. This kind of disheartened me a bit and I'd like your feedback. I just don't know what else to do without feeling like I'm plowing down those who really are in that role. For me, even though I know I'm holding myself back, I feel like I'm being patient, considerate, and respectful because I'm always hearing the nurses complain about their workload and I don't want to overwhelm them with the way they complain. But I guess it comes off as unassuming and overly passive.
Just some insight please. I really do feel disheartened by this because I don't know how to be more assertive in this regard right now.
Oct 26, '12
by Soliloquy, RN
Quote from BrandonLPN
It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Nursing is no different. I'm sure you bring a lot to the table that "type As" don't.
"Type A"...did I put that in my original post? lol You're right, I'm not very "Type A" at all and I guess that's why at times I ask myself if I'm in the wrong field. I like learning the skills, the mode of thinking, the process, etc, and applying them in the hospital, I like talking to patients and families (most times), Med/Surg, Peds, L&D...I like it. But then I get to the part of administration and my heart breaks. I've yet to feel advocated for by administration. I am my own advocate and I'm more than willing to further learn how to use my voice, but I just feel like being calm-natured, laid-back, making a mistake and then learning from it next time is just...not enough. I'm not going to kill my patients. I look everything up because I love knowing why I'm doing what I'm doing. I ask questions and I'm not mindless in my process. For the most part, they seem to like me. It's just the pressure to be...I don't even know what...anal? obtuse?, is not pleasant. I know it's not the person I want to be or become. It's against my vision. They can just make me feel like this is the person I HAVE to be if I want to survive and be respected in the world of Nursing.
I'm venting right now...but it's because I'm soul-searching. I'm not leaving Nursing. I want this. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with my experiences so far and remain my happy, calm, self-assured, self.
Just checked...I did put "Type A". Forgot all that I wrote. lol
Last edit by Soliloquy on Oct 26, '12