Aging parents of a health care professional

Ruby Vee, BSN · Feb 25, 2011

both my mother and my mother-in-law have alzheimer's. both are in institutions. my mother-in-law is in a nursing home, in a locked memory unit. mom is in assisted living.

there are a lot of reasons why the elderly wind up in institutions rather than lovingly cared for in the homes of adoring children . . . some are reaping what they've sowed. my mother decided for herself when she was still able to make decisions that she didn't want to leave the area she'd called home for her entire life and that she wanted to go to one of two nursing homes. she lives in the mid-west; my sister and i are on opposite coasts. she's in assisted living -- not ready for the nursing home yet. i have nothing but praise for the facility, the staff, the care my mother receives or the way the staff interacts with me. i know that i'm not equipped to deal with the constant supervision mom would need to be safe in my home. the three weeks that i stayed with her and cared for her before we found her the assisted living convinced me of that. i literally could not close my eyes to sleep or close the door to the bathroom without mom running outside in below-zero weather wearing her nightgown and slippers, nearly burning the house down or coming to look for me.

mamita hates the nursing home -- she has one "conversation reel" and it involves going home. going home with me and dh, going home to new orleans, going home with my sister-in-law. it isn't going to happen for a number of reasons, one of which is that she also requires constant supervision and another that she attacked one of her daughters with a machete. (seriously -- she had it in her garage for whacking weeds.) i wouldn't care for if i could -- and i know i can't.

some people have good enough relationships with their parents and children that they can all live together, and in many cultures that's the expectation. if you truly want to take care of your mother rather than move her to assisted living or a nursing home, and if you have the resources to do so, go for it. no one will knock your choice. but it's harder than you think. and i for one see nothing wrong with living your own life and letting mom live hers in the assisted living of her choice.

MisterSimba, BSN · Feb 25, 2011

My parents are still young and healthy, are both retired and spend their time traveling the world. I hope they both remain healthy and independent for many more years to come, but when the time comes that they need to be taken care of, I would definitely want to take care of them at home. However, like Ruby Vee said, you have to have the resources to do that. I hope to have the necessary resources ($$$) when that time comes, but unfortunately it's a luxury that many people don't have...

nebrgirl · Feb 25, 2011

I am taking care of my mother, currently, I'm lucky because I can. It started by "accident", but I have truly benefited from it. I know that sometimes due to the illness/needs level that it isn't always possible. But I tend to agree that "home" beats "paid" care when ever possible.

steelydanfan · Feb 25, 2011

This is ALWAYS a difficult decision, and ALWAYS a heartbreaker no matter the course of action.

There are things you can do for a loved one; then there are things you CAN do for a loved one that will ruin YOUR life , the lives of the ones you love, and have profound effects on future generations.

We all have to decide these truths.

itsmejuli · Feb 25, 2011

I live 3000 miles away from my parents who are approaching their 70s. My mom is in great health but my father has CAD. He had an MI in January and I felt helpless being so far away.

I've sold my house and will be relocating to a city 2.5 hours away from them. I want to be driving distance from them as they age. I am prepared to do whatever is necessary for them.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Feb 25, 2011

My parents are not that old right now. My mother and father are ages 53 and 54. My dream is for my parents to live to old age, be able to function independently, and remain mentally sharp and lucid. After all, I am their only child, and there would be no other siblings to share the task of caring for them if they were to require constant care.

However, my mom and dad are making lifestyle and financial choices that might cause my dreams about them to never convert to realities. Both parents are heavy smokers, diabetics, HCV+, hypertensive, etc. My mother is also over 100 pounds overweight and has chronic kidney disease, although she is not on dialysis yet.

If they wanted to delay and/or reduce the burden of caring for them, they would make some serious lifestyle changes that would lead to better health. My greatest fear is that one of my parents might have a massive stroke at a young age due to their habits. This idea is not too far-fetched, since my paternal grandmother did have a major CVA at age 48 (she died at age 60).

In addition, they have blown through thousands of dollars that could have been used more wisely. My father is 54 years old without a dime of retirement money. He chose to obtain a $60,000 home equity loan for the purchase of a fancy car back in 2003. Back in 2008, he ran up $22,000 in credit card debt and proceeded to obtain yet another home equity loan to bail him out. He has recently run the credit card balances up to $12,000 because he is impulsive and doesn't look too far into the future. If he wants or needs private duty care someday, the money will not be there, and I will be unwilling to physically provide it or personally pay for it with my own money. Hence, the idea of a nursing home sounds more appealing.

rita359 · Feb 25, 2011

First, sounds like it will be a long time until you have to cross that bridge and everything can change before that.

Both my parents died at home. Dads care was Mom. He wasn't "sick" long though he wasn't totally well for a long time. Mom needed assistance which my sister and I provided with another sister coming to town a few weeks a year to give us some respite. It all worked out.