I am a new nurse and a critical care intern. I have been training for 5 months and have 1 more month before I am on my own. I am having a difficult time with death. About 5 weeks ago I did chest compressions for the first time on a real person. I do not know her history, she had only been at the hospital for about 20 minutes before the code was called and she was in a different area. She died and it was very difficult for me. When the breathing tube was removed, I swear she was gasping for air. It was all very confusing for me. I didn't understand why everyone was leaving while the patient was gasping for air. There was a de-briefing and I was told that it was natural. I read "On death and dying" by Kuebler-Ross. It didn't help much. I am looking for details on what happens to the body during and right after death.
Now fast forward to a week ago. Another code was called on a pt that I had taken care of the week before. It was a very intense code. Again I did chest compressions. As I was doing them I saw that her lips were blue. Family was in the room and the pt was 21 years old. After the code was called and the time of death was stated there were no dry eyes. I am having a very hard time with this. I know we did everything that we could but I am feeling guilt. What if I had done the compressions better. Are these normal feelings? Does it get any easier? I am looking for advice, any advice. I really appreciate it! Thank you in advance.