I feel worse than when I started

[Eastcoast24]

I graduated in May as an RN and started my first job in July. This was on the unit I had my last clinical experience for nursing school, and (then) I REALLY liked the place. Its a stepdown surgical unit and the staff all seemed to work together well and be happy. The NM approached me and offered me (and one other student) a position while still in school. The first 2 months of orientation were relatively fine except for a "less than motivated" preceptor, which I believed I compensated for by seeking experiences and help from other staff members.

Then we got a new, evil NM. She cut my orientation short by a couple of weeks and refused to honor certain benefits the prior NM had offered (scheduled days, certain shift differentials). She completely blew me off and devalued me when I went to talk to her about it. I did feel new but confident and valuable to the unit; then she berated me, insinuated that I (with new grads in general) was incompetent and let me know just how little value I was worth. I was crushed. And things haven't been great since. I finished what was left of my orientation more unsure of myself than when I started. I know that I am an intelligent and competent person and there are many things I need to learn, and I've always asked for advice or help when I need to, but I feel like I make more mistakes now than ever. Nothing too serious, but lots of little things. I've been off orientation for about 4 weeks and wonder what the h**l am I doing. The staff and CNS seemed so helpful before, always "Ask us for help, we're here for you even after orientation" now I'm on my own and the help isn't there. I get blank stares and underhanded comments. I feel like everyone thinks I'm an idiot. I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake becoming a nurse, am I doing the right thing? Will I ever get it? Will I hurt someone? I've always been a very easygoing individual and have coped with stress well. Now I constantly have a low grade anxiety that I can't turn off. I haven't slept solidly in weeks, always waking up to: I should have done this, I forgot to say that, I forgot to chart this, ...is this patient going to be OK? Did I miss something? One thought will trigger a barage of anxiety I can't turn off at home. I'm getting very sad that I feel so bad about my new career so soon. My friends and family are there for me and tell me to stick it out, it will get better. But I feel like I'm getting worse. Has anyone else felt like this? Did you make it? Can you describe when things started to turn around? Will the anxiety ever end? Any advice?

[squee-gee]

Dear East Coast,

I'm a May grad as well, but happily I am on a floor where I get respect and the help I need. If I weren't, however, I would make a beeline outta here. I am a new grad - hence I don't know everything. I worked very hard for my RN license and I don't want anything jepordizing it. I want my nursing practice to be safe, but to do that I need the help of my peers, co workers and manager. To be "dissed" by your manager, and to receive no help from your peers at this stage in your career is just plain cruel.

Please, whatever you do, don't lose confidence in your own abilities. Don't throw it all away because of your inconsiderate coworkers! You obviously are good at what you do (not too many NS get offered jobs while still in school!), so no more talk about quitting altogether, 'kay?

I'd start looking for a new job asap...can you get a reference from the old NM?

Good Luck!:icon_hug:

[Eastcoast24]

Well I must say thank you all for your words of encouragement and kindness. I stuck it out, and thankfully the evil NM returned to her lair shortly after my original post, and the facility hired a new NM who is supportive, respectful and very competent in her role. I switched to days (my body and mind were just not meant to work night shift) and my anxiety level eased a little sans medication. I also took advantage of continuing education classes offered by the hospital on my days off, getting my hands on and learning about everything from vents, trachs, epidurals, sheaths, sedation, ACLS, pulmonary cardiac and stroke care, and so much more. (The real life application that you just don't get in nursing school.) That gave me the chance to learn about the equipment and monitoring before taking it to the bedside, and my level of confidence and competence steadily rose. I am now about 1 1/2 years in and on the same unit.

I almost didn't make it though, wasn't sure how long I could take anxiety attacks before work and crying on the way home. The facility wouldn't allow me to transfer for 6 mos after orientation, and it would look bad for me to quit-who would want to hire a new grad with such a bad first run (or should I say would I find a BETTER place...)

We just finished our yearly evals, and I'm proud to be able to say I finished with a bang. My NM has ensured that I feel valuable and respected and I have earned the same from my colleagues. And I'm still learning everyday. Just thought I'd share a happy ending to the S.O.S. I posted last year.

Oh, now I am looking to transfer to another field, but on much better terms than before.

[Journey_On, BSN, RN]

Eastcoast24,

I just read your original post from over a year ago. Glad to hear you had a happy ending!

[+one]

thanks for sharing :)

[HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD]

My heart goes out to all of you! It should not be this hard to begin your nursing career.

In reading all of your posts, I did not notice that anyone had contacted their HR departments. Nurse recruitment is difficult and expensive - your organization will undoubtedly be very interested in taking action to retain you. As nurses, we all know the importance of following the designated chain of command for any situation. If you feel that you cannot talk to your supervisor, this is the route you need to take. Your HR department should have specially trained staff to act as employee advocates in any type of dispute. Your organization probably also has a formal employee assistance program (EAP) that you can utilize. I would advise you to take advantage of all the resources that are available to you.