You Know You're a Nurse When...

[Brownms46]

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan).

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time.

You ever felt like a Gastroenterologist... because you work with a##holes.

It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you.

You ever told a patient he didn't need to be dead to donate an organ.

You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.

You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance".

When you need the money, your shift is canceled; ....when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.

You believe sick people don't $itch.

You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.

You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.

You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.

The front of your scrubs read 'Nurses...here to save your a**, not kiss it!'

You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.

You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.

You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.

You can't cure stupid.

You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.

You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn't back up.

You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.

You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case

You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your behind covered!

You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.

To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.

You've ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them

You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.

You no longer have a gag reflex.

You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.

You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.

You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.

You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk

You use the phrase "Turn and Baste" and you are nowhere near a kitchen

You know you are a night nurse when:

You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.

You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep

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You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

You think Real friends help you move dead bodies.

You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorine

You believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.

You tell cops where to go without fear!

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn't already used, to start an IV

You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just a##holes.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal 'no code' patients. (circling the drain).

You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)

You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN

You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

Everything only happens all at once.

You've ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF (Failure to Fly)

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)

You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.

Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.

You don't have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job.

After spending the night with surgeons, they still won't respect you in the morning.

You don't eat before driving to work because you want to be an "easy intubation" if you are in an accident.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!

You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia

You can identify the following Syndromes:

F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)

A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)

W.O. T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money

You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they'll pee all over you.

You refer to ammonia capsules as a "seizure-cure."

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil

You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The A##) precautions!

Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is

Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.

You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."

You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

You believe in PPP as a diagnosis - Piss Poor Protoplasm

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.

If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.

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You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

You don't ask "frequent flyers' their history, you know it by heart.

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet

You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.

You've ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.

You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath!

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold

You make up acronyms so non-medical people won't know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL...(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live)

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered

Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"

You have used the phrase' health care reform' to terrify your co-workers

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You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)

You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group

You know the local detox center number by heart

You believe the lab should have a 'dumb sh#t' profile on the lab requisition slip

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.

You find humor in other people's stupidity

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe chocolate is a food group

You believe a good tape job will fix anything

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants

You can identify the "Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo" Ratio

Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change

You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see

You have your weekends off planned a year in advance

You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia....and they list numerous allergies (except Demerol or Morphine)

You believe that "Shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis

You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia"

You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"

You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf"

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"

You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?"

You have ever issued a "dead head" alert

You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience

You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope

You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food

Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank

Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's

Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard

You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol

Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent

You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine

You call burn victims "crispy critters"

You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies

[chocokitten]

Your kids think you're a little odd that you are very interested in their friends' various ailments and injuries, including what doc they're seeing and where they're going for PT.

They really think you're strange when you sit there laughing your butt off over the "Wenckebach" and various other musical medical videos on Youtube. "I guess you have to be a doctor or nurse to think that's funny."

O_O

O...M...G... I just want to take this moment to thank you for showing me a movie made of pure win and gold.

[Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP]

I've just quit watching medical stuff altogether cause it drives me so crazy.

[peridotgirl]

lol, or when they take off gloves without turning them insideout then ball them up in their hand and hold them while they chat with the patient/coworkers

GROSS:uhoh3:

I know, I totally agree with you. That is absolutley disgusting. I've always been taught to remove my gloves by turning them inside out. I think if the actors are a medical people, then they should at LEAST ACT LIKE IT. LOL! Another thing that bothers me is that people believe that anyone that needs CPR can ALWAYS be recsusitated. This is becuase they watch way to many medical shows and actually see that q body that had CPR done to them, revive. This projects false hope. That's soo sad.

[mt.serinity]

you know you are a nurse when you get home from a long shift "saving lives in the ER" and feel like the lifeguard at the shallow end of the gene pool...

[ragtopnurse]

These are all so true, especially the one about the veins, I am constantly feeling the veins in my husband's arm. Of course he doesn't see the humor in it that we do, lol.

[sziq1]

they never EVER do cpr right---their elbows are always bent, never locked and they sit on their heels---uh gotta be up and leanin over em, arms a-locked pp

Your right and they always shock a flat line....duh...gotta have a shockable rhythm!

[Jessiedog, RN]

Your right and they always shock a flat line....duh...gotta have a shockable rhythm!

Oh, but its not so exciting if there's a rhythm on the monitor!! It's so amazing when those Gods called doctors manage to create a normal sinus rhythm out of nothing. Oh.......

(Sorry, can't help being fasecious sometimes. Guess it's from working in a public hospital too long.)

In our paeds ward, you could always tell if someone had been a nurse too long, because we told the circulating RMO's what drugs to write for what child and how much. I was so much happier when I had an RMO who would listen to me, and just do what I told him/her. I'd select the drugs that I knew would have the best result for our little patient, calculate the dose according to weight, and then present my list to the Dr. Most of the time they would obligingly copy what I'd written onto the drug chart and sign off on it. Not quite sure how it would stand up in a court of law, but at least the child recieved correct treatment.

My pet hate was when a child would be admitted for traction because of a fractured shaft of femur, and would be given acetaminophen for pain, and NOTHING else! My list of I.V. morphine, oral codeine/acetaminiophen and oral diazepam would put a few grey hairs on the heads of the newbies, but at least the kid got some relief from the horredous muscle spasms!!:balloons:

[AimeeJo RN]

This may have been mentioned already but, how about using the little plastic medicine cups to measure Tablespoons and teaspoons while cooking at home.

And checking expiration dates on the meds in your parents cabinets.

[RNgonewild]

...you scream (or laugh)at the TV during the medical shows at the insane errors they are making. Also you walk around in your pajamas, perfectly comfortable because you are used to wearing "pajamas" to work. You look at strangers arms and think "I could pop an IV in him in a second".

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

i just luv that cpr action when the actor bobs up and down energetically with bent arms, and the patient's chest never actually compresses!! maybe they should use a "resusci-doll" sometimes, just so they can show correct cpr technique!!

the other thing that cracks me up, is how the patient always jumps off the table when they are dc converted. honestly, how many times has anyone really seen this in a genuine resus??:lol2::lol2:

:melody:hoo yeah momma, here's a brand new dance. just watcha-da pumpin- n-da-humpin-n-da-jumpin' as da patient don' no watsa goin' on.:melody:

[frenchfroggyAPRN, MSN, LPN, RN, APRN]

You know your a nurse when your 7 year old can spell correctly "sternocleidomastoid" and knows where it is and what it does.

[Keysnurse2008]

1.you firmly believe that "crocs go with every outfit ie: scrubs,casual wear, and formal dresses.

2.when visiting family and friends in the hospital you have to make a conscious effort not to start a neuro exam if you walk in and their eyes are closed.

3.you think your unit should be equipped with an answering machine stating every patients condition for the millions of family members that call and call and call and call and never update the other family members so you spend 1/2 your shift on the phone!

4.you believe "too stupid to die" is a valid admission diagnosis for some repeat patients.

5.when a patient is admitted with a dx of :seizures.....you automatically demand to speak to anyone that witnessed that seizure.

6. you have ever had to fight the urge to tell your 40 something year old male patients " omg are you going to grow up and be a man ...or are you going to make me sit here and hold your hand all freaking day?".

7.you believe that every patient entering the hospital should have a drug screen for heroin, meth and crack.

8. you secretly store your attending physicians pager , cell phone, and home phone numbers on your cell so that you can quickly access them for future use.....knowing that sooner or later your new residents are going to order potentially lethal doses of meds or despite the nurses protests they will keep trying and trying and trying to get a central line in till your patients lungs have more holes than swiss cheese