When a resident dies

[sonomala]

I've pretty much adjusted to the fact that my job is mostly navy seal with a whole lot of love to my residents instead of screaming but dealing with the deaths is a bit of a challenge. The first one that I had worked with wasn't so bad, it had been coming for weeks and I knew it was best for them. The second one that I had worked with closely came a few weeks later, it was harder to deal with. They had been, until right before their death, totally coherent, active ect. That was kind of a shock and I was tempted to cry but didn't. This last one is hitting me more because they were such a large part of our ltc. Not necc for all good things but thats just the way with some. Still everyone knew them, they had been there for years and years, and they were just kind of a fixture there. I should have known it was coming but then I've had some I and all the other employees thought were close and then made huge turnarounds so I didn't give it too much worry. What got me was the reaction of the staff. Don't get me wrong I love most all my coworkers but no one even seemed sad about it. Not in the break room, no where. They didn't even act like they missed the resident. For me walking by that room was a bit hard but I didn't show it, just followed the example of my coworkers. Its been a couple of days and the resident is still in my mind. I guess I just need to shed a tear at home and get it over with? I knew this job was tough but I thought saying goodbye would bring out the softer side of my coworkers. Guess they've just said it enough now to where it doesn't get to them. Thing is, honestly, I plan to be gone from cna work and on with my health care career before it does. Am I wrong? I don't ever want to get to the point where death of people I care about becomes routine? (by the way I'm headed into other less direct health care fields)

[yousoldtheworld]

It could be that your coworkers feel a little sad too, but like you, are just keeping it inside. I know what you mean, though. I've worked through deaths that devastated the staff, a few that were sad, but expected, and just recently, I experienced my very first death where literally no one seemed to care.

This resident was, to put it plainly, a jerk. He was in his right mind and was both verbally and physically abusive to both the staff and his family. He passed last week and honestly, I don't think a single person even batted an eye. I felt bad about that. It was the first time ever that I didn't at least tear up a little, and I felt uncomfortable about that fact, but I just tried to remind myself that I wasn't becoming cold, it's just that it's hard to feel that bad when someone makes 40 hours of your life miserable each week. Anyway, sorry about the tangent.

I guess I just wanted to say, don't assume that your coworkers don't care just because they don't outwardly seem to. For me, I always just try not to think or talk too much about it at work, and it seems like my coworkers do the same. Especially considering that you don't want to broadcast to the other residents that someone has passed, etc. I definitely think it's possible to be in the health care field for a while without turning cold. :)

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

I have been dealing with just this sort of thing for the past month---we've lost six on my wing alone---and while I'm very much the professional, some deaths hit me harder than others. One of my recent ones happened to be a retired nurse whom I'd known previously, and I'm still mourning her; by contrast, another had only recently moved to my unit from another area of the NH and I wasn't particularly attached to him. (I felt bad for his family because they had just lost their mother a week previously, and then the dad just basically rolled up his sidewalks and was done. I'm sure he's happier now that he's with his wife of 66 years.)

It's when a number of residents go all at once that it becomes difficult to cope.......it just wears on you, I think. That's when it may be a good idea to ask your unit manager or social worker for a stress debriefing session, or check with your HR person about any employee assistance programs that may be available to you. Sometimes it helps to talk about it; other times, you need just to have some quiet time to process and work your way through it.

FWIW, I knew something was desperately wrong the other day when I sat in front of the computer playing sad songs and crying in my Crystal Light for two solid hours, which is why I myself asked our SW last Friday if she would help set up a debriefing for our unit. I'm normally pretty well put together, and I figured if I'm losing it, some of the other staff probably are as well!

Whatever you do, NEVER be ashamed of your emotions. I worry about healthcare workers who clamp the lid down so tightly that they literally can't feel.......I think that's worse than feeling too much. Yes, you do have an obligation to keep it together when a resident passes on, at least until the family leaves and you can take your break, go into the restroom, and bawl like a baby.

No matter how many years you do this sort of work, you are going to have times when death just gets to you.........it cannot be helped, it's part of what we do.

[fuzzywuzzy, CNA]

It's disconcerting when other people seem totally unaffected by a death.

I remember one of the first deaths I had to deal with was very unexpected, and it was someone who was a "fixture" there and I came in after a couple days and found about about 20 minutes into my shift (somehow I'd missed it during the report). I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, and I was in a fog the rest of the day. In fact earlier tonight at work someone brought her up and I started thinking about how much I miss her.

I think people just get used to the idea of death (you have to), and figure out how to deal with it without getting outwardly emotional.

[texastaz]

I do mostly hospice work. There will always be thoose that leave you with a special memory-be happy you were so blessed that you have been so honoured to have been a part of their life. Many patients go through years of surgeries, treatments and pain. I just except the fact that I am not the one in control. There are times when I have gotten flat out angry specificly when patients are young - and not cool in private I say bad things to god. There are times when I think death is a blessing. The fact that death is permanent I think makes us realize how precious life is - and how small we truely are. When you think of your patient or pass by their room try thinking of a good memory they gave you and smile. This is your life and while everything isn't just black and white, it is a simple as sometimes you just have to choose to be happy and there is nothing cold about that.:redbeathe

[sonomala]

Thanks everyone! Wise words! It really helps knowing I'm not alone! I love this board!!!!!!!

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

We're glad you're here, too.