What do you think of my ESSAY?

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hello, my name is bethany. i am applying at a near by lpn school. if i get accepted i will start in aug. of this year. i am currently going to school to become a medical assisant/ xray technician and graduate from that in a few months. my desire is to eventually become a rn. will you please read my essay and score it 1-10 and let me know what your input is on it. i would so gratelly appreciate it ! thank you sooo much . beth xoxo

growing up i never could legitimately answer the question "what would you like to be when you grow up?" although most of my life i've been interested in the health care field, i was unsure of my direction of my career path. i feel as though becoming a mother, brought out the nurse within me and showed me how rewarding and enjoyable putting others first really is. my choice of having a career in nursing is because it's my heart's desire to nurture and care for people. also, as a nurse i would be presented with the interesting challenges as well as having the opportunity for educational advancement. i feel it is important for the role of a practical nurse to model an enthusiasm for life long learning, as well as being honest, diligent, and compassionate. not only must practical nurses be helpful physically, but spiritually and emotionally too. my long term ambition is to have a stable career in nursing while advancing my education toward my bsn.

.....please do not take my information and copy. your reasons of your own should come within, i dont mind if you get ideas from mine but please do not take any of my lines. it took me hours and months to put this together ( and i know its not even that good )... please just judge my essay. thanks and god bless

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Specializes in ER.

This is a great essay! I'm just a staff nurse, but I love how the essay is personal and it shows your desire for further education, which also exemplifies the fact that you are an ambitious person(which is a great quality to have in nursing!!) Good luck!! Keep us updated.

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I think it sounds good. I'd probably rewrite the first sentence or two. The tone of "I never really could answer the question of what I wanted to be when I grow up..." and "although healthcare has been an interest..." is sort of "wishy-woshy." You should set the tone from the beginning of knowing that this is what you want and then describe why you're passionate about it. Just my :twocents:. I like the rest of it though!

Good job! :up:

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Specializes in burn unit, ER, ICU-CCU, Education, LTC.

You are a good person who will be a good nurse. But unfortunately, that also makes you a lamb that is vulnerable to those in the health care business that will use you to make profits for themselves at your expense. Think of them as wolves. Protect yourself.

Look at professional organizations and unions where you live. Don't talk about it. Just do it.

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I like the honesty of the first few sentences. My daughter is in nursing school and she too never really had some type of epiphany about nursing, she just sort of gradually made her way into a BSN program. When she wrote her essay about why she wanted to be a nurse she was very honest and actually wrote something similar to what you've written and got in!

The program was highly selective, 400 qualified applicants for 30 spots. I think her grades and her honesty was what got her in.

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Specializes in Medical/Surgical.
hello, my name is bethany. i am applying at a near by lpn school. if i get accepted i will start in aug. of this year. i am currently going to school to become a medical assisant/ xray technician and graduate from that in a few months. my desire is to eventually become a rn. will you please read my essay and score it 1-10 and let me know what your input is on it. i would so gratelly appreciate it ! thank you sooo much . beth xoxo

growing up i never could legitimately answer the question "what would you like to be when you grow up?" although most of my life i've been interested in the health care field, i was unsure of my direction of my career path. i feel as though becoming a mother, brought out the nurse within me and showed me how rewarding and enjoyable putting others first really is. my choice of having a career in nursing is because it's my heart's desire to nurture and care for people. also, as a nurse i would be presented with the interesting challenges as well as having the opportunity for educational advancement. i feel it is important for the role of a practical nurse to model an enthusiasm for life long learning, as well as being honest, diligent, and compassionate. not only must practical nurses be helpful physically, but spiritually and emotionally too. my long term ambition is to have a stable career in nursing while advancing my education toward my bsn.

.....please do not take my information and copy. your reasons of your own should come within, i dont mind if you get ideas from mine but please do not take any of my lines. it took me hours and months to put this together ( and i know its not even that good )... please just judge my essay. thanks and god bless

i like the idea of your essay, but i honestly feel that there are improvements that should be made as far as word choice and your use of certain punctuation. for example, in the middle of the essay you write "also, as a nurse...", you really do not need a comma there. consider just starting that sentence with "as a nurse i..."

i would consider taking your essay to a cc writing center, where often times you can get a person with much writing experience to help you with essays and such.

good luck to you in your endeavors.

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as twinner2 said, there are places where the writing style could be corrected and/or improved. here is your paragraph under my (amateur) editor's pen - i have only considered the writing style, not the ideas being expressed.

while growing up, i could never precisely answer the question, “what would you like to be when you grow up?” although i’ve been interested in the health care field for most of my life, i was unsure of the direction of my career path. i feel that becoming a mother brought out the nurse within me and showed me how rewarding and enjoyable it really is to put others first. i have chosen a career in nursing is because my heart’s desire is to nurture and care for people. as a nurse i will also have many opportunities to deal with interesting challenges and to further my education. i feel it is important for a practical nurse to model an enthusiasm for life long learning, and to be honest, diligent, and compassionate. a practical nurse must support the patients not only in physical ways, but in spiritual and emotional ways too. my long term ambition is to have a stable career in nursing while continuing my education toward my bsn.

i have 3 comments about the content:

1. i'd suggest changing "motherhood brought out the nurse in me" to "motherhood brought out the caregiver in me", because the first expression might rub some readers the wrong way. i.e., it might imply that you believe the cultural myth that being a nurse is just a matter of being a nice, caring person, rather than requiring skill and knowledge.

2. i'm not sure whether it's good strategy to say that your plan is to move on to a bsn - maybe they'll think, "then you should just go straight to a bsn program and leave our spots for people who really want to be rpns." as a comparison, it would be undiplomatic to say "my ultimate goal is med school" when applying for an rn program, even though that is the truth for some applicants. however, these aren't exactly analogous situations, and for all i know it is normal and acceptable to state openly that rpn school is just a stepping stone for you. anyway, i'd be sure to ask the advice of some rpns or rpn students before including that statement.

3. since you're already in a health care program, i would find it odd that this isn't acknowledged anywhere in your statement. i'd suggest that you add a few lines about what parts of the ma/xray tech education were most valuable to you, what you feel is lacking, and why specifically you want to make the switch to nursing instead of practicing as an ma or xr tech.

good luck, marion

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Specializes in Med Surg, Ortho.

You need to remove the comma in this sentence----

"I feel as though becoming a mother brought out the nurse in me and........."

As one of my English teachers once taught me. It's better to not use a comma at all then to put one where it doesn't belong. So if you're unsure....

just leave the comma's out. : )

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I can't quite agree with that. Sometimes commas are just plain wrong, as in the sentence you quoted - but sometimes they are required, and sometimes they are optional but add clarity. So if you're not sure... ask!

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I think it sounds good. I'd probably rewrite the first sentence or two. The tone of "I never really could answer the question of what I wanted to be when I grow up..." and "although healthcare has been an interest..." is sort of "wishy-woshy." You should set the tone from the beginning of knowing that this is what you want and then describe why you're passionate about it. Just my :twocents:. I like the rest of it though!

Good job! :up:

THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT!! I have been told that before. I decided not to do that because i would be lieing and the truth is that i was really just indecisive . When i became a mother it brought out the nurse in me, i cant explain it in words/ BUT HAIVING THIS LITTLE LIFE RELY ON YOU FOR EVERYTHING IS A AMAZING FEELING. I know it probally looks better to say i have always wanted to be a nurse but it wouldnt be honest. This is my story and if its not good enough right now it will eventually because i'm not giving up til i MAKE IT HAPPEN! thanks again

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Thank you for all your input. :)

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It sounds like you have a genuine emotional attachment to nursing and do not question that. That being said you may consider putting more anecdotes of specific examples whether they be lists or actual stories. Don't tell me, show me if that makes sense.

For instance

On the first day that I carried my little Jeremy out of the hospital I was flooded with a sense of purpose and certainty. As I held him in my arms each night I made sure he felt safe and loved. Years later there were sometimes when I had to make hard decisions that despite being in his best interest caused him pain like telling him that he couldn't hang out with the popular boys. The attempt to explain their bad influence did little to comfort him. These difficult decisions as well as the tender moments have taught me what it really means to be a caretaker and revealed in me a new passion for serving others. That is why I want to be a nurse.

I made this up on the fly so be gentle but I think it illustrates the point. Also take it with a grain of salt; see what everyone else has to say about this concept.

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