What do you think about this cover letter... Plz help...

llg, PhD, RN · Jan 13, 2010

Not too bad ... but too many sentences begin with "I ..." and it's kind'a choppy. I would soften it a little bit and vary the sentences a bit more to avoid the overuse of saying "I this ... and ... I that."

You might also include a few more details about your past experience. How much experience do you actually have? Are you a new grad (who previously worked as a CNA on a related floor)? ... Or have you worked as an RN on a related for for many years? etc.

Miz_Que · Jan 13, 2010

Looks pretty good. I agree that it is a bit choppy. I would change:

1) The first sentence could read- As an RN with a BSN, I would love the opportunity...

2) The third and fourth sentences could be combined and read - Having working on a Women's floor caring for maternity and female surgical patients, I have a passion for women's health and maternity nursing.

3) the word "very" is in the cover letter twice and is a bit vague as an adjective. I would find 2 separate adjectives that better describe the feeling you are trying to portray.

Good luck on getting the interview!

Miz Que

mom4josh · Jan 13, 2010

I would love to opportunity to speak with you about the Labor and Delivery position posted on the hospital website. I am a RN with a BSN. I have a passion for women's health and maternity nursing. I worked on a Women's floor where we cared for maternity and female surgical patients. Through my clinical practice, and academic background, I have learned to think quickly and critically, manage patients, great communication both written and verbal, and the importance of teamwork. I am a very quick learner, and I am fully committed to continuing my education and providing evidence based practice. Patient care and safety are priority to me. I am very compassionate about my chosen profession and I believe I would be a great asset to the medical facility. Thank you for the opportunity to apply to this job.

In addition to the above, I would add the following suggestions.

-Make it at three paragraphs, with the first being an introductory-type, second outlining your experience, and the third your conclusion.

-The sentence that goes from "manage patients, great communication" is not grammatically correct.

Best of luck to you!

mvb1221 · Jan 13, 2010

Thank you for taking the time to view my cover letter. I have taken your suggestions and made adjustments.

helikias · Jan 14, 2010

Good so far. I edited it, Among other things, I do professional writing. I took some stuff out because it's considered "form letter" language on these letters and HR people suspect you have a bunch of these you are sending everywhere.

Dear (personal name of manager)

I am an RN with a BSN. I have an interest in women’s health and maternity nursing, which I developed from my experiences at (insert a line of job history here; include "I worked on a Women’s floor where we cared for maternity and female surgical patients" - include name of place, but word it as "I was responsible for"and give specifics, not "I worked"). My supervisors have recognized my ability to think quickly and critically, my patient management skills, and my enthusiasm for teamwork.

The reason I am applying for this position is because (say something detailed about the organization). I admire (say something you admire about the organization).

I'd leave off the rest; they might think you are going to quit and go back to school, and the other stuff is a given. Just end with:

I would welcome the opportunity to speak with you personally. I will give you a call on (give a date). Thank you for your time.

Make sure you really call on that day! You have nothing to lose; and everything to gain. Good luck!