What to say for FD's.......?

[enfermeraSG]

Hi all, I am a nursing student as of this fall, but have been an OB triage tech for several years. The subject of fetal demises is difficult for everyone, often worse the greater the gest. age. When I come across one, I often provide care to this person before, during and for awhile after the discovery of the FD. I do not always know what to say or how to react. I feel heartbroken for the parent(s), and usually don't say much. Sometimes I sense the need to tell them it is not their fault, or just hug them. I always feel awkward and am just not sure what I should be doing for them. Any advice? I want to support the patient, but don't know how. SG

[mother/babyRN, RN]

Go with what is in your heart . Tears come. NEVER say it was meant to be....Sometimes no words. You will figure it out. Once I just gave a patient hug and said if you give a hug you get a hug. She was 40 weeks with a demise being cared for by two pregnant nurses..That is all I said. My only contact with her. Months later I got a magnet in the mail that I still have on my locker. She made it for me..It says simply, If you give a hug you get a hug...Sometimes that is all you can do....

[mother/babyRN, RN]

Go with what is in your heart . Tears come. NEVER say it was meant to be....Sometimes no words. You will figure it out. Once I just gave a patient hug and said if you give a hug you get a hug. She was 40 weeks with a demise being cared for by two pregnant nurses..That is all I said. My only contact with her. Months later I got a magnet in the mail that I still have on my locker. She made it for me..It says simply, If you give a hug you get a hug...Sometimes that is all you can do....

[fergus51]

Personally, I think it's more about what NOT to say. Don't say "You can always have another one" or "It's for the best" or "At least you didn't have time to get to know the baby and become attached" or even "It's God's will" or "I know how you feel" (unless you really do).

I always think heartfelt condolences are appropriate and sometimes silence is just fine. It's ok to admit you don't have any words that will make this experience easier for the parents.

[fergus51]

Personally, I think it's more about what NOT to say. Don't say "You can always have another one" or "It's for the best" or "At least you didn't have time to get to know the baby and become attached" or even "It's God's will" or "I know how you feel" (unless you really do).

I always think heartfelt condolences are appropriate and sometimes silence is just fine. It's ok to admit you don't have any words that will make this experience easier for the parents.

[bam_bam]

anything about having an angel in heaven. To some people that is comforting but not to all.

Beth

[enfermeraSG]

It is nice to see so many of you with great advice for this difficult subject. Thank you to everyone that is sharing their own personal experiences with fetal demise, it is so helpful to everyone reading the posts. I am sad that so many lives have been touched by such a painful event. I am sorry for the those of you who have had to go through that, but am very grateful for your side of the story. Only you know what felt right at the time, and it is a great help to all of us who want to provide good support but aren't sure how. Thanks again, SG