Vicarious Trauma in Mental Health Nursing

AussieRN36

The trials and tribulations of a mental health nurse re: vicarious trauma. I am 36 years old and have been practicing for over 2.5 years as a Registered Nurse in mixed settings. Mental health is my favorite setting! Prior to nursing, I worked in aged care and disability support for five years and loved it. I am writing this post to confess my feelings and experiences because the weight of it is dragging me down.

Vicarious trauma.... the act of being triggered by other people's experiences, in particular, those experiences similar to your own. PARTICULARLY if unresolved. A little about me now.... I was sexually abused by my maternal grandpa at the age of four. Nobody in my family believed me and I was deemed to have an "overactive imagination". I successfully blocked the experience out of my consciousness until I was 14 years old. In the meantime, my father died in a car accident when I was 8 years old and my aunty died of an asthma attack when I was 12 years old. I never cried or grieved for either death and as a result, they still haunt me today.

Instead, I grew up putting every ounce of my being into study - and this still reigns true today. I am currently undertaking a Post-Graduate Diploma in Mental Health. My assignment grades are between 96-98%. #Winning. My point is that I never dealt with my father's death. He died on September 9th, 1988. Fathers Day is the first week of September, and his birthday is September 12th. This is an annual trigger for me and it doesn't matter what I do, or what effort I make to overcome it. It still bothers me at 36 years of age.

My best friend was murdered in December 2005. To this date, the police have not found her killer. It is believed that it was her boyfriend, however, there is no evidence to support this so the killer is still at large. This distresses me every year in December.

November is a funny time of year for me too. Once upon a time, I was an intravenous heroin addict and was on the methadone program. I had no hope for myself. I had managed to get off of heroin and went on to naltrexone for a period of six months. Unfortunately, I had a relapse and used heroin three times, and went to the doctor to go back on methadone. My doctor did a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was crushed. I had to go onto methadone and remain on it, and deliver my baby addicted to methadone. Words cannot describe how awful this felt. I'd failed as a mother before I'd even started. I delivered my baby in a 1.5 hour delivery and he was 6 pound 4, born one week early. My precious little angel went straight to the special care baby unit. I was scrutinized and treated like a piece of **** by the nurses who worked there. It was the most devaluing experience of my lifetime.

I stayed in the hospital for one week because nobody trusted me, but eventually after delivering several clean urine drug screens, and proving that I could breastfeed and look after my baby... I was discharged. I remained on methadone until I finished breastfeeding and then I did a home detox. My son was two years old at the time and in my care. That was nearly 11 years ago.

Today my son is 13 years old and he is in year 8 at high school. He knows nothing about how his mother used to pick up her methadone at the pharmacy. Sometimes he enquires about the scars on my arms, and he touches them gently and it makes me feel so awful.

Now I'm a nurse and I feel like everything I've ever been through in life has guided me into being an empathetic, caring, non-judgemental individual who has hope for everybody; regardless of where they are at in life. More than often, I feel reminded of where I've been and sometimes it brings me pride whereas other times I am still filled with shame. I get survivor guilt often. I wonder to myself, "How did I end up here"? Somehow I am the nurse and I have the keys and swipe to get out of the psych ward whereas I could have very easily ended up as a revolving door patient. What makes me any different to my patients?

Having unresolved issues and working in psych makes it very difficult at times because just sitting in handover can produce several triggers that make you remember things that your unconscious has hidden for several years. I know this is common for people working in mental health because there's usually a very personal reason why people choose to work in this field.

When you're highly functional and you have unresolved issues, then who looks after the mental health nurses? Health professionals just look at you and think, well you're working and studying at uni, you've got money in the bank, you drive a car, you have no debts - there's nothing wrong with you! Therefore you're left to your own devices and that's not always the greatest reality. For people like me deal with anxiety and go through depressive phases, but we have learned to soldier on and hide it from the real world and we hibernate in our downtime because it's too much to deal with at times.

For the nurses out there who work in psych and have their own issues, I extend my gratitude to you. I'm extending a great, big cyber hug to you because I know you need a cuddle. While we're busy caring for everybody at work, and our children and family too, we are sensitive and need caring too. Special shout outs to the single nurses, and single mums/dads, who are dealing with vicarious trauma. It's okay to take a mental health day every now and again when you need it. Don't forget to look after yourselves.

This post has turned into a ramble but it's better out than in, right?

Vicarious Trauma in Mental Health Nursing

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