…but, do you ever wish you were the one in the hospital bed so that nothing is expected of you and you can actually rest? I think of this from time to time.
I have a young coworker who had something wrong with her eye and so she went to the eye doctor. They discovered a tumor behind her eye. After more testing, come to find out she was eaten up entirely by pancreatic cancer that had metastasized. She had a few months left to live and, to my horror, I found myself feeling a bit jealous. Sometimes I don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I’m tired of taking care of everyone but myself. I know this is awful to admit and I guess I will get bashed for it. Idc. I’m tired. If it wasn’t for my youngest child that is two years old I’d probably just really want to leave this world. There. I said it.
My coworker died four months after her diagnosis. I think about it often. I planned this elaborate crazy expensive family trip to somewhere I’ve always wanted to go because life is too short. We work ourselves to death. Sorry for the morbid post.
Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
2 hours ago, MarkMyWords said:
OP may have a challenge to find a highly qualified helpful therapist. Some may waste your time and money. Some do not know the right questions to ask you. Never settle for less than excellent therapy I have a psychology background
This is true _ I have worked in psych for over 20 years - Still one should not fear to seek help as you never know until you try - being in such abject misery that one wishes illness and possibly death on themselves needs to be addressed.
I am so sorry you feel this way-But I totally understand. I've spent 15 years in a care home and there are many MANY days I dream of having some illness or injury that wouldn't be bad enough to kill me, but bad enough to get me out of my job of looking after everyone else. And sometimes I don't even care if it would kill me. Sometimes, there isn't enough of me left, to give anymore of me away. I didn't choose my job, it was local and they hired me, enough said, but I do my best, and I really do care about these people. But sometimes I start to panic...when I Think about spending another 20 years doing this job, I Worry I will die here, miserable. I don't know what the answer to these feelings are, I just wanted you to know, you aren't the only person who feels that way. I don't think it has to do with being grateful either. I don't think it is ungrateful to want to be happy when you aren't-even if you have everything you could wish for to make you happy...That's just not how it works. At least not for me. I hope things get better :)
I am so sorry you feel this way-But I totally understand. I've spent 15 years in a care home and there are many MANY days I dream of having some illness or injury that wouldn't be bad enough to kill me, but bad enough to get me out of my job of looking after everyone else. And sometimes I don't even care if it would kill me. Sometimes, there isn't enough of me left, to give anymore of me away. I didn't choose my job, it was local and they hired me, enough said, but I do my best, and I really do care about these people. But sometimes I start to panic...when I Think about spending another 20 years doing this job, I Worry I will die here, miserable. I don't know what the answer to these feelings are, I just wanted you to know, you aren't the only person who feels that way. I don't think it has to do with being grateful either. I don't think it is ungrateful to want to be happy when you aren't-even if you have everything you could wish for to make you happy...That's just not how it works. At least not for me. I hope things get better ?
The thing is you hold the keys to your future. Only by making a different choice and getting a different job will things change for the better. If you just stay where you are things will probably only get worse.
Heallthcare jobs are plentiful but finding one that makes you happy can be a challenge. But you already know what you don't want. You don't want to stay where you are and be miserable. If you think the only way out is to get sick or die than you aren't thinking clearly. If you did get sick then you'd have to struggle to get social security disability approval and most are denied the first time, the wait list is over a year on appeal. People can end up homeless waiting for disability who truly need it.
Instead start thinking about what you do want and what else you would like to do and start applying for different jobs. Jobs in hospitals and nursing homes will always be there. Look into other places doctor offices, clinics, social services, even prisons. Check out indeed, linked in, zip recruiter, glassdoor among other places for job leads. What do you have to lose, just the chance to be happy and not wake up another year still miserable working at the same place!
hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I
4 Articles; 5,212 Posts
This is true _ I have worked in psych for over 20 years - Still one should not fear to seek help as you never know until you try - being in such abject misery that one wishes illness and possibly death on themselves needs to be addressed.
Hppy