The Unbelievable things our Pts DO..It is true

Nurses Humor

Published

i was at a work a few weeks ago, and i was helping a cna with one of her pt (not mine) ...the pt had just been admitted that day but she was a pt i had for 3 months last yr when i was working full time...so whether she realized it or not...i knew how to handle her:rolleyes: ..we were turning her and i heard the cna mumble something...to me it sounded like "her teeth are in her ass". now i'm sitting there thinking "is this cna crazy". i figure maybe the lady had hemorrhoids or something and she had never seen them before and were mistaken them for teeth. then i saw the cna reach down and retrieve an upper or lower (i didn't inspect them real good...lol) from between this pt legs. later i found out that the denture was actually in her lady parts. we aren't quite how they got there or how long they had been there, the pt had been on morphine at the hospital so i figured maybe she thought someone was gonna still them so she hid them. they had been them a bit tho becuz she had a nice discharge to go along with them. anyways when i saw the pt's nurse. she was an agency nurse so she didn't know the ropes real well i joked with her and told her..."hey what are you doing to ur pts down there...when you admitted your pt did you not stick ur hand up in their lady parts to make sure their dentures weren't there" i told her "hey don't you know we have an area on our admission papers that said "are pt dentures in her lady parts" and we are suppose to check yes or no. it was so damn funny. the rest i the night all i could do was joke about it. then the cna said a little later "guess that the real meaning of getting eat out" later when we notified the charge nurse she said she was gonna tell the oncoming shift that if her dentures go missing her lady parts is the first place they need to look.

this is by for the funniest thing that has ever happen to me. but i'm sure my patients will soon remedy that...they always do.

Had a guy come into the ER years & years ago - said he had a hamster crawl up his rectum & he couldn't get it out! Being young & naive, I was shocked to learn the reason he put the hamster in there. It is supposedly very "stimulating" as it struggles and dies. Yuck!

Another time a young woman came in to get a glass Coke bottle removed from her lady parts. It seems that it created a little toooo much suction and pulled her cervix right into it. She had to have some of the cervix amputated due to necrosis (she thought maybe time would loosen the suction & she wouldn't have to go get help). ER work was always amazing - what human beings can do to themselves and others!

0 Votes

Nursing stories, War stories, and flying stories all have in common that they all start with "No S#$% this really happened. :) In my time, I've verified... four characters with vibrators up their rectums(all male)(If I hear that the Doc said "do you want me to take it out our change the batteries again, I'll hurl) One female with a chub of salami where she couldn't get it out. One befuddled guy with 22 sewing machine needles in his scrotum, who is still probably trying to figure out how they got there.(I'll bet his ex knows);) One guy with his member superglued to his belly. One dancer that had a dog 9(mastiff) in her act, who happened to get frisky with her, and wanted a rape exam since it wasn't consentual, and he did bite her on the back of the head when she tried to scoot away. I mean duhh he was male, unfixed and she was naked. I could probably set all of this to the 12 nights of Christmas. :rolleyes:

0 Votes

I've seen the dentures before a time or two. But I had one better. Patient came from the nursing home (where she was living because her husband was exhausted from dealing with her dementia) for a GI series. Evidently, the nursing home staff had explained to her the concept of being NPO. She was quite fixated on "When am I going to get something to EAT?" and never seemed to accept the answer "Not until after your tests.) I went into the room about 5 AM to do her bath, etc. and get her ready for the day. I found her lying in bed, naked, and eating saltines. Being an experienced nurse, I already understood that with demented patients, the clothes are always expendable, so my first question was "Where did you get those crackers?"

"Here," she said, pulling a couple of cellophane-wrapped packages of saltines out of her lady parts. "Would you like one?"

(Her husband later told me that she's been known to keep her dentures AND her reading glasses there to keep them handy. They were small reading glasses!)

Vicki K

0 Votes

I had a patient yesterday that had a TVH and A&P repair. The patient stated that she dies every time she is put to sleep for a procedure, and when informed that there were no records of this, she stated " They hide it". It that wasn't enough, when I helped her in the bathroom, she said that she was not able to use the bathroom with the commode seat down, that she had to have it up and sit on the rim. When she voided, it went all over the bathroom floor. I couldn't help but wonder if this happened at home.

0 Votes

I was working in the ER in San Angelo when a foreign man came in c/o dysuria. When he was undressing, we noticed he had a STRAW inserted into his member. The doc removed it and I inserted a Foley to see if he was retaining urine. The doc decided to remove it himselfnd when he did, part of the foley was torn and left in the bladder They did an xray prior to surgery only to find over 300 needles just under the skin on his chest and back. They removed the particle of foley and sent him on his way. The doc stated he had seen the same thing before with people who practice VooDoo. ???????

0 Votes

One evening the local police brought in a woman from a drug bust - she was higher than a kite. During her physical exam, the ER doc removed a packet from her lady parts - instead of drugs, though, it was a small order Mickie D's french fries!

0 Votes

yeeuch! I haven't been nursing long (and you don't get many really revolting self-inflicted things like that in oncology, anyway) but when a student I saw an abdo x-ray of a psych pt who'd swallowed approx 300 drawing pins (I'm not sure if that's what they're called in the States... ?tacks), also several razor blades and some broken glass. Apparently in for a few days for observation, and out again without lasting harm. Freaky!

0 Votes
Originally posted by Kay Shepard

Had a guy come into the ER years & years ago - said he had a hamster crawl up his rectum & he couldn't get it out! Being young & naive, I was shocked to learn the reason he put the hamster in there. It is supposedly very "stimulating" as it struggles and dies. Yuck!

Another time a young woman came in to get a glass Coke bottle removed from her lady parts. It seems that it created a little toooo much suction and pulled her cervix right into it. She had to have some of the cervix amputated due to necrosis (she thought maybe time would loosen the suction & she wouldn't have to go get help). ER work was always amazing - what human beings can do to themselves and others!

0 Votes

while working the urology clinic, a young lady came in c/o pain "between her legs". asking the standard question "when did your pain begin". she replied "when he first stuck in me"

0 Votes

Worked in the ER for a few years here and there...

Once in NYC a newlywed couple came in, seems that she had 3rd degree lacerations. Spent their wedding night- the rest of it at least, inpatient with her mother comforting her and cussing him.

Time went by- 5 days, maybe a week, he's back in the ER. Mother-in-law had taken the bride home to her house to recover. The groom was back--on the end of a vacumn cleaner hose. He got lonesome and figured he'd try a new form of "stimulation". It was going pretty well until he tried the "mambo" with it. He came in with the hose going down his pant leg and the up over his arm. We tried an ice bag, we tried warm water, finally...Atropine did the trick and never saw him again.

Worked in Wa.(state that is)--- It was popular in the early 70's to "gerbil". Hook a habitrail up with a gerbil in it to your anal spincter--- it would stimulate your prostate gland for a new thing. It became so popular that the ER staff threatened to start putting pictures of gerbils on the milk cartons.

While helping out one night in Al. Had a middle aged traveling salesman come in with lower abd pain and discomfort.... On listening for bowel sounds, heard this faint hmmmm. Belly was tender to touch in all 4 quadrants. There was a soft stool in the rectal vault. Did everything I could think of before I called the MD who was a dial a doc. Yeah, it was a vibrator set on low. He had been drinking and forgot about it ....... Started to give him distress after 2 days, he had forgotten about it completely. Dial a doc had been a Ob doc and had long narrow fingers and got the thing out and dropped it in the bag I held out to him. Don't know if it was Duracell but it was still going when I got off duty (2 hours later), in the garbage can the salesman threw it in as he left.

If I wrote a book, would anybody believe it???????

0 Votes

not eveybody, just us health care workers. once a young male was worried because his girlfriend swallowed his semen. i had draw him a picture,then show him section from an anatomy text

0 Votes
She went to toxic levels of her ABX and it killed all and I mean all of her natural flora in her intestines. She was being treated after a long search for a donor, a stool donor.

I went into the room with 300cc liquified stool and proceeded to put it down her NG tube. This was of course after reading the order multiple times. I new it was not a joke when the "Med" was sent up to the floor followed by the MD, who explained to the nurses then to the pt what was about to be done.

WTF??!! Are you absolutely CERTAIN it was to be given per NG? This is actually one of the "treatments" for C.diff--but the stool is placed per rectum, HIGH up in the rectum that is, either via syringe (mixed with water or millk to a semi-liquid mush) or via enema. I'd be really wonderign if the MD did his homework here--the whole point is to implant the COLON with good flora--NOT the stomach--- :uhoh3:

0 Votes
+ Add a Comment