............and I can't even remember why it ever was.
As many of you are well aware, I've battled a huge weight problem for most of my adult life. Although I recently hit my all-time high of 352 pounds, I've basically hung out around 280 for much of the past 15 years (and at this point I'd be happy to be there again), with countless ups and downs between 240 and 340. I hated the way I looked, but up until a few months ago, I've been functional; in fact, I was able to do as much physically as the average person, and indeed more than some normal-weight folks.
I'm having trouble now because I've finally become so heavy that my breathing is compromised, and then there is the simple reality of gravity: getting up and moving around is just plain hard work when you're dragging 350+ pounds around with you. The knees groan, the feet crackle, and the back goes "Oh, Lord, here we go". You also have to become something of a contortionist in order to accomplish certain feats of personal hygiene---thank God I'm still flexible enough to manage these things, or my dignity would surely suffer irreparable harm.
Ironically enough, I haven't been eating myself into an early grave these past months because of stress or anger or boredom; I'm tickled pink with my life in general, and perhaps for the first time ever, I'm eating because I actually ENJOY it!! No more eating just because it's there---I'm getting so much more out of life these days, that food is just another pleasure to be indulged in and savored.
Fortunately, somewhere between the time I lost the ability to don lace-up shoes and a week ago, I came to the realization that since I really do love my life, I want to stick around and enjoy it as long as I possibly can. Therefore, it was time for that last domino to fall into place: I finally understood that I need to be kinder to my body. It's put up with my excesses for the better part of fifty years, and the time is coming when it's going to up and quit on me if I don't take it a little easier. The funny thing is, it's no longer about looking a certain way; for goodness sake, I've been married for nearly 26 years to a man who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what the scale says. Who cares that I'll never measure up to some impossible Hollywood standard?
It IS, however, about feeling well and having as much quality of life as I can, for as long as I can. And when you're a small woman carrying 350+ pounds, your quality of life isn't the best, no matter how young or old you are. So..........one week ago I switched to a sensible diet that includes plenty of fresh fruit and veggies, lean meats, fish, and dairy, plus the occasional treat in reasonable portions to prevent those feelings of deprivation. I won't lose a ton of weight, and I won't lose it quickly, but I will lose enough that I can regain some control over my body and be able to move around more, so I can get down on the floor or sit in the grass and play with my grandchildren........work in the garden without huffing and puffing after only a few whacks with the hoe..........have a snowball fight with my family.
In the meantime, I already feel 100% better just from feeding myself properly; I hadn't planned on going to the fair with my family yesterday because I've been short of breath and gotten tired so easily, but after only a few days of better food, my energy level has come surging back and I walked all over the fairgrounds yesterday for four solid hours, just as if I were back to normal already. I wasn't even that tired, and there are no residual aches or pains today, even though that was the most physical activity I've done in one day since last fall.
Now, I'm not going to "diet", and I'm not making any guarantees.........I've learned that I need to approach healthful eating just like I do sobriety: one day at a time, maybe even one MEAL at a time. And for the first time, I'm accepting limitations on the amount and kind of food I put in my mouth not out of duty to someone else, and not as punishment for past indulgences. (Funny how that has finally come to me AFTER the one family member who could still make me feel guilty about my eating moved too far away to do so.) It's no longer about getting 'thin' or looking good; it's about shedding the layers that have partially shielded me from life so that I can achieve the authenticity I seek, and so that I can experience fully all the adventures waiting for me.
Now.........what's YOUR midlife plan to make the best of your later years? As Kipling wrote: "Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.....the last of life, for which the first was made." The best, I feel, truly IS yet to be. Let's go for the gusto!!!!!
